Is it an RP or a story that you are writing by yourself?
If it is an RP the intro is too long and too much of it reads like a story. You need to have the basic facts about your world that players need for creating their characters summarized in a neat fashion, not in story form. The plot can also be in bullet points. The intro post and/or background explanation can be in story form but should be designed to grab attention and set expectations for the RP's literacy.
Or if it's a story, I can move it to the writers subforum. I hope to be moving a bunch of RPs tomorrow.
sweatdrop
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