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 Posted: Wed Dec 10, 2008 5:49 pm
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Posted: Wed Dec 10, 2008 5:53 pm
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Posted: Wed Dec 10, 2008 5:56 pm
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Posted: Wed Dec 17, 2008 1:24 am
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Posted: Wed Dec 17, 2008 4:50 am
Kumoru had the day off, which meant that Kouyo did, too; that meant Jilan would be sure to find him at Setsushi's house. And so the boy set off by bus, taking his Imperial Poetry book along to read and also to have something to fiddle with. He was not sure Kouyo would want to see him, but Jilan also did not think the priest would turn him away just for being curious and worried.
When Jilan arrived, Kouyo was sitting at one of the tables in the public half of Setsushi's home behind a long plastic planter filled with dirt and growing purple flowers. A bag of soil and another planter were on the floor beside the table, along with three glasses of water each with another stalk of flowers sprouting tiny roots inside.
He had purchased the supplies himself with money he had earned and that Master Whitestone had (thankfully) left with Kumoru that morning. Kumoru had also accompanied the red-haired Porcelain to the store, but then left him to shyly stammer his way through the transaction himself. It had been terribly awkward and humiliating at the time, however... Kouyo got through it on his own. As he worked on his flowers, he gave off a small feeling that conveyed his pride.
The High Priest looked up from the hyacinths as Jilan entered, and smiled sadly. "Hello...." Kouyo did not mean to leave without saying goodbye, but... unexpected things happened. He will be living here again for a time.
... Jilan was just glad to see that the priest was not lost sweatdrop
What was High Priest Kouyo working on during his days off?
Kouyo gestured to the flowers, then put his fingertips to the soil to concentrate for a brief moment. The Lady Tsubei gave him these cut hyacinths, and he was trying to grow them back into full plants so that they would live much longer. The magic required was very delicate, as the flowers were still living and he did not want to mistakenly kill them.
Still, it is something he has done a few times before. It seemed to be going quite well so far.
Jilan climbed into one of the chairs across the table from Kouyo and watched him work for a few moments.
The boy had tended plants before, but mostly just the ones that grew naturally in Kumoru's yard. They had all grown wild or died in Jilan's long absence, though.
... He added with a note of amusement that Kumoru could not grow anything to save his life. The human just had a terrible time with plants. So if Kouyo decided to move back in, he should probably keep his hyacinths far away from Jilan's father.
The priest smiled and laughed softly. It was an interesting mix of luck and talent, to grow things. Sometimes, no matter how hard one tried, a flower just could not be saved, while other things somehow managed to thrive in spite of neglect.
As for whether or not Kouyo would rejoin Jilan and Xiao Huo and their human in their home... he could not be sure right now. Kouyo was sick and needed time to recover, and he best trusted Setsushi to watch over him during that time.
He stood and reached over the flowers to pat Jilan lightly on the top of his head. "But this fledgling is still very thankful for your help." Even if Kumoru could not grow grass to save his life, he had done a fine job bringing up the Porcelain boy into a good man. ... And Kouyo was also quite sorry that Jilan had to see him act like that. He was used to being alone all the time, with plenty of time to mull over his sadness.
He smiled weakly. The world outside his birdcage did not seem to want to wait for him to do that, though.
He swelled with pride at being called a man - it was difficult being Young-but-Old sometimes, especially with how quickly some Gaians judged him by his size. Hopefully he would grow up well this time, too sweatdrop
Jilan was just glad High Priest Kouyo was feeling better, and ... hoped that he would get better soon. Even if he chose to always live with Setsushi, Jilan would like to spend more time with him.
... Perhaps they could grow flowers together, come spring?
Kouyo smiled. He would like that very much. He could spend more time with Jilan, as well, especially once he is no longer sick. He would like to see Jilan's Silver World sometime, too - he had heard about it but of course his people in the Golden World regarded it as a place of spirits, where one could only go after death.
He hesitantly added after a moment that he might also be interested in visiting Jilan's birthplace, if it would be possible...?
It would be a lot of fun to show the High Priest around the Silver World. Or the bit of it with which Jilan was familiar, at least. He was both shy and studious, and neither quality lent itself very well to epic adventures. But... Jilan also conceded that High Priest Kouyo does not seem like one who would be so interested in grand adventures anyway. There were many nice quiet places that he knew of, as well as the library. And perhaps if his benefactor Jin felt like being found, Jilan could introduce them?
As for Dragonlamp.... Jilan projected a worried feeling. He remembered very little of the place, and none of those memories were very good. Why would Kouyo want to go there?
If Jilan does not wish to return, Kouyo would never force him. Kouyo simply wished to see the place because... someone he cared about was there.
... This should be kept secret from everyone - including Setsushi - but... Jilan already knew who the person was. Kouyo touched a finger to his lips to indicate silence on the matter.
The boy looked confused for a moment, then gave off a quick surprised feeling which he quickly hushed, and put his hands over his mouth. The woman from Kouyo's poems?
His brow knit and he offered the High Priest a feeling of sympathy. ... Jilan hoped that she fared much better than he had.
The High Priest nodded slowly. He did as well. More than anything....
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Posted: Wed Dec 17, 2008 4:55 am
Kouyo gradually grew used to his work, and gradually began to overcome the nagging fear he had of working in the storage room. It helped that, after giving him the key, Aodhagan did not return to check on the High Priest. Still, the Porcelain wore the key on its lanyard around his neck or around his wrist like a talisman of protection, and he perpetually feared the owner's return at any moment.
Kumoru aided him in his subtle human way, as well. He surprised Kouyo with the gift of a new mask one morning, which fit the Porcelain's flat little face better than the one Aodhagan had left for him. The mage also gave him a small portable music machine, which Kouyo squirreled away in the storage room and left playing quiet music nearly all the time; he found that having something other than silence to listen to made the unfinished and dirty room at least a bit more comfortable.
Slowly and reluctantly, Kouyo began to consider the book store storage room like a space of his own. He had relative privacy like he had had in his tower, but he was free to come and go as he wished. Working with his hands was something he had always enjoyed, as well, as it helped to keep him relaxed yet still allowed time to think. The dirt did not bother Kouyo much, either, especially since it was his duty to clean it all up - he remained shy about it, but deep inside, took great pride in his mundane little job.
It was a small step away from the tower, but it seemed to be working out so far much better overall than Kouyo's first ill-fated leap from Setsushi's hand. He spent all the time he was not working in his friend's home, and was able to feel like not quite so much of a nuisance. The priest grew used to Kumoru's quiet company, as well. They conversed occasionally, and also worked sometimes on Kouyo's reading lessons, but if Kouyo did not wish to speak with him, the human mage left him alone.
With time to relax as he worked on unloading boxes of books, sorting and dusting them, repairing the boxes, and repacking the tomes that were not too damaged to sell, Kouyo found himself gradually beginning to feel better. And so he turned his thoughts back to the visions he had seen since his arrival in Gaia, in order to try to make better sense of them.
It continued to trouble him that his mate-bond to Ranko seemed to be such an important part of the whole mystery surrounding Setsushi's original question. One thing he was still completely unwilling to do was to admit to even his dearest friend that he was married to a human. Kouyo had posed the inquiry for Setsushi - why had Porcelain from the Golden World started to fall into Gaia? - and had received only more questions in response, yet Kouyo needed to unravel the answers to those questions before he could even begin to tell Setsushi anything in order to maintain his secret. But what did Ranko have to do with all of it?
Thinking about his wife was always painful to Kouyo, and was perhaps even moreso now, after Setsushi had so recently reiterated his thoughts on human cruelty to the priest. As much as Kouyo struggled with the pain in his heart that no amount of dusting or book-sorting could erase, there were still other moments where he would ache for her presence both physically and emotionally. Why had he wished to break the bond? It brought him pain, but at the same time, Kouyo still desperately hoped that somewhere, Ranko also felt pain without him. He could cling to the tiny shred of hope that he could see her again somehow, and, moreover, that she would show him that strength and that energy that he had fallen in love with.
Or even the cruelty that had broken his heart.
... Kouyo suspected that the human woman to whom his heart was forever enslaved would always remain the greatest mystery in the universe to him. Perhaps the Name had almost been cruel to place Ranko in Kouyo's visions as another question as much as an answer.
Yet slowly, Kouyo tried to rebuild the crumbled wall in his heart around his love for her so that he could better interpret his visions. When Setsushi's question was answered, when the High Priest had done his duty to find a way home for his people, when there was an explanation for all of this... then perhaps Kouyo could allow himself to resume his search for Ranko and all of his memories of her.
He thought of Setsushi's promise of aid, and that gave him hope, as well, even if he feared what his friend would think of his being married to a human.
Kouyo also gradually began to suspect that it was not the issue of his maidenhood and how he had lost it that was important in his first vision - something that left him greatly relieved. He had been told in another vision not to focus on the moment when Ranko had taken it from him. There was something else she had taken from him, or something he had given to her, but for the life of him, Kouyo could not remember what it was. There were great sections of his memory from those times that were missing; all he could recall was that he had been so utterly broken at the time by his mating with her and receiving nothing in return. Whatever had transpired was something he needed to remember, and, though he had asked once, Kouyo was unsure of whether the vision he had received in reply was a true one or not.
It begged the question, however, of whether or not he could handle the answer. His mind had struck the memories from its records for a reason - did Kouyo dare to try to find the torn out pages? He was broken enough not recalling; what would knowing the lost parts do to him?
Did he remember what she wanted? Did he remember for what she had asked? And what was Kouyo's answer? Did he give it to her?
Perhaps he did not need to know everything. Just that one specific piece of information. Did he have the courage to ask that much?
... Perhaps after the storage room was clean. Kouyo felt this task was changing him, and so he should wait until its completion first. Kouyo Who Toils in Dust may not yet be the right High Priest to do the asking.
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Posted: Wed Dec 17, 2008 5:10 am
Kouyo jumped a little as he heard someone sneeze behind him in the storage room, and turned around to see Kumoru donning a mask.
What was he doing back here? Kouyo stepped back a little, feeling his usual worry when there was someone between himself and the door; he wished yet again that the room had enough floor space for him to measure it.
Kumoru wound his ponytail up into a bun and pinned it there with a pencil, stepping to the side as well as he could as he sensed Kouyo's anxiety. "I wanted to see how you were doing back here, and if you needed a hand moving anything," he said.
Not quite what Kouyo had been expecting, but he was also not totally sure what he had expected the human to say. Kumoru had not been back here since Kouyo had started his work, except maybe to peer in through the doorway once or twice.
"Thank you," he said softly, and went on to explain to Kumoru that he had cleaned nearly all of the books from one shelf, and when he was done with that, he would be able to actually dust the shelves themselves. Then start over on the next one.
The Porcelain was quiet for a moment as he studied the shelf. He was not sure he needed any heavy lifting done ... but he would need a bit of a hand getting up to the top shelf to clean it. Could he perhaps trouble his taller friend to lift him up in order to dust? sweatdrop
Kumoru glanced at the shelf, then at Kouyo, and nodded. "I think so," he replied. Then he stepped over a few boxes to close the distance between himself and the High Priest, and grasped Kouyo carefuly around the middle. With a small grunt of effort (and a squeak of surprise from Kouyo) the mage lifted the Porcelain experimentally, then set him down a moment later.
"Yeah, I can do that, as long as I don't have to hold you too long," Kumoru told him.
Okay, well, um, not right now but in a few minutes? ... Kouyo supposed Kumoru could stay in the room if he really wanted to.
He knelt down beside one of the stacks of books he had been working on and went back to dusting them one at a time.
Kumoru crouched beside him, laughing softly. When Kouyo glanced at him and gave off a faintly indignant feeling, the mage shook his head.
"Sorry, I am not laughing at you," he assured Kouyo. "I know you are Porcelain and not like me, but it is just a little strange to see someone with hair as long as yours kneeling in dust. I should not be here, either."
The priest fidgeted a little. What was Kumoru talking about?
"Where I come from, men of high status wear their hair long. Like me, since I used to be a ranking Wind Mage, and could never stand to cut it even after I left." He glanced at Kouyo and smiled briefly behind his mask, then picked up one of the books and murmured a spell. He summoned a little twisting breeze from his fingertips, and used it to gather up the dust from the book and roll it into a little clump.
Kouyo watched the human's spell, then attempted to do the same with his own magic. His spells were still clumsy, however, as Kouyo knew he was sick and his mind still not sound. ... The dust rag would be easier.
"In the Golden World, long-haired men are ones who are not married," he told Kumoru.
Kumoru nodded. "Like you and Setsushi?"
"... Yes."
"I am unmarried, myself, and I think I may remain that way." Kumoru sensed that he had perhaps struck a nerve with Kouyo, but wanted the Porcelain to tell him so.
Kouyo gave off a faint uncomfortable feeling, but figured that as long as they spoke of Kumoru's own situation, he need not worry. Perhaps if he could get through this talk of marriage without breaking down, he would be all the stronger for it.
"If this fledgling is not too bold to ask, is Kumoru not saddened by the thought of a solitary life?" He has his children, but still....
The mage looked up at nothing in particular on the other side of the small room. "A Porcelain Sorcerer also has difficulty finding a woman who understands and accepts him, no?" Or so he had gathered from Jilan's and Xiao Huo's stories.
The Porcelain man nodded but said nothing. He considered with some bitterness that, was he not bonded already as he was to a human wife, he would likely have never been able to find a true Porcelain wife even after his escape from his tower. The human's words made sense, and Kouyo cautiously allowed Kumoru to feel his gentle sympathy as he went back to dusting the books. How sad that it seemed all rare men should have such difficulty finding love. Himself, Setsushi, and Kumoru as well....
... No. Something did not fit.
Kouyo glanced over at Kumoru, who was still using his magic to clean books, and amassing a small collection of the rolled dust bunnies. The human had studied magic in a school. As Kouyo had seen, he spoke with eloquence, studied numerous books, held a job, conducted himself well, and raised his children as any scholar might. He said he had held rank within a group of mages. The Tower of Wings was no Sorcerer commune off in the forests - from the little Kumoru had said of it, it sounded like a very organized collection of mages.
And Kumoru had left? He was no black sheep of society for being a Wind Mage, but Kouyo suspected rather for leaving them he had been somehow branded.
"Why did Kumoru leave his group of mages, if this one does not offend by his inquiry?"
The mage fell silent, letting his spell trail away as he turned to peer at Kouyo for a long moment. His bright blue eyes were unreadable over his mask, and Kouyo fidgeted under his gaze.
"I took up a course of study my seniors did not like," Kumoru said finally. "I was told growing up that I had limitless potential as a Wind Mage, and would likely grow into one of the Tower Elders. I was given great liberty with my studies when I completed my formal schooling, however my choices did not satisfy my superiors. And so they expelled me from the Tower, and that is why I now live in Gaia and study alone." His tone was formal and calm, yet there was something in it that begged Kouyo's understanding.
Kouyo nodded slowly, shivering. "So you are no Wind Mage. What magic do you study, then?" He thought back to his conversation with Setsushi - they still could not trust Kumoru.
Yet... he had gradually started to like Kumoru in a strange sort of way. He was a harsh teacher at times, but he forced Kouyo to act on his own. Kumoru did not think Kouyo sick, but rather like someone who had temporarily forgotten. For all that the human's calm very frequently reminded him of Setsushi, Kouyo knew that he could not fall weeping into Kumoru's arms. Yet he had still grown to find shelter in Kumoru's presence.
Had the human just been luring him in this whole time?
"I study the soul and the line between life and death," he told Kouyo hesitantly. "My people call it Star Veil Necromancy."
He seemed to notice the Porcelain's sudden look of mistrust, and looked faintly hurt. Kumoru set the book he was holding down and wiped his dusty hand on his pants before offering Kouyo his upturned palm. "Here, let me show you. It's nothing you need to fear."
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Posted: Thu Dec 18, 2008 4:46 am
The High Priest half-reached to take Kumoru's hand, but found himself afraid to touch him. Was this some well-mannered attempt to steal Kouyo's soul, his Name? Up until the moment when Kumoru had told him the truth, he would have gladly accepted whatever knowledge the human wished to show him - how dangerous would that have been? How close had Kouyo already come to having his spirit sucked from his body?
Finally, he closed his third eyelid and placed his hand in Kumoru's. He would have a chance to resist this way without looking too blatantly mistrustful. The priest also remained tense, ready to withdraw if the human tried anything malicious.
Kumoru held Kouyo's hand, and studied the priest with a bit of concern as he spoke the spell that would allow them both to see whatever bits of souls drifted around the storage room. He could tell almost immediately that Kouyo was resisting him, but he could not discern exactly how.
The spell took effect on the necromancer himself, at least; he could see the Porcelain's soul, plain as day and glowing brightly, as Kouyo was, of course, still alive. Something he could not identify seemed to be trying to pull his soul away, though, yanking subtly in a direction Kumoru could not determine; he had not seen such a phenomenon before. He leaned closer, studying the priest carefully.
The priest would never be able to see his own soul, just as Kumoru could not see his own. But the Porcelain should be able to see him. Kouyo had been willing enough to study with him before - Kumoru dearly hoped being truthful would not put a rift between himself and his student, though he feared it already had. The necromancer had to make him understand.
"Kouyo, look and tell me what you can see."
The High Priest shied away as the human came closer, light pouring from his eyes. He could see Kumoru and nothing else. Whatever the spell would have allowed him to see, Kouyo blocked it out, and he half reached out to push Kumoru away with his free hand.
"I will not be involved in your necromancy," Kouyo told him, trying to tug his other hand from the mage's grip. "Let me go!"
"Why would you take my hand if you will not open your eyes?" the mage demanded. He released Kouyo's hand and pushed it away, fixing the priest with an indignant stare as he got to his feet.
"... Ask me again about reaching the top shelf tomorrow. My shift was over fifteen minutes ago, so I should leave." He turned and left without another word.
Kouyo watched over his shoulder as the necromancer left, then curled up, hugging his knees to his chest. He did not cry, but felt rather a numbness settling in. He feared Kumoru and could no longer trust him, as the human had proven to be precisely what he and Setsushi were afraid he might be.
The priest's heart hurt, much as it had when Ranko had broken his heart, though of course Kouyo did not feel anywhere near the same way for Kumoru as he did for her. He had nearly had another close friend here in Gaia, among the humans, but, as Setsushi had warned him about, even Kumoru had that inner human ugliness and cruelty that he had hidden so skillfully from dumb little Kouyo.
... And yet part of the High Priest still worried considerably that he had upset the necromancer by refusing his offer and his spell. What had Kumoru wished to show him?
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Posted: Thu Dec 18, 2008 4:53 am
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Posted: Fri Dec 19, 2008 8:02 pm
The day Kouyo finally returned to work, he found Kumoru dressed in not only his robes but his full armor as well. For the past two days of his absence as well, the necromancer had half-anticipated the Porcelain returning with his larger friend to somehow threaten or attack him, but... Kumoru would have been unwilling to admit that it was mostly due to his usual paranoia rather than any concrete fear.
Kouyo hid his fear as he stepped up to the desk where Kumoru worked, glancing between the human's eyes and the sword at his side. He did his best to try to cling to the hope that Kumoru would not harm him, but he still worried at the look in his eyes. Still, he forced himself to walk around the counter and right up to the human; the priest watched him carefully and rested his hand hesitantly on the pommel of the necromancer's sheathed weapon.
"Kumoru should not think he needs this around this little bird," he said quietly, hoping his voice did not falter. "I am High Priest of the Porcelain, not an Elder Wind Mage."
Kumoru grasped the Porcelain's wrist, but did not try to move his hand. "So what will you do?"
Reassured by the human's calm, Kouyo spoke up with a bit more strength as he replied, "Human necromancers have done my people harm in the past. If you choose to harm any among us, we will be forced to protect ourselves."
He looked up at the taller human, and did his best to show his conviction. It was difficult - Kouyo found Kumoru quite disarming, with the necromancer's own impassivity suddenly reminding him at once of both Ranko and Setsushi. However, the High Priest had to find some reserve of his own strength in spite of his sickness to show to the human if he wished to make amends - from what he knew of Kumoru thus far, the human would not respect him otherwise.
"As for this one, I wish to continue to study, if you will still have me. This little fledgling hopes he did not offend with his fear."
Kumoru was afraid as well, Kouyo realized. That was why he wore his armor. The Porcelain wondered how many times other humans had tried to hurt him for being a necromancer.
The mage peered into the Porcelain's eyes, but gradually relaxed and began to look relieved. He still hid his thoughts well, however. He found Kouyo a confusing man.
"We can continue your lessons then," he said finally, releasing Kouyo's arm. "And I will teach you no necromancy if you do not wish to learn it." Why was the priest so willing to remain by his side if he was also afraid of Kumoru's power? The necromancer himself thought he had been crazy to display such trust in telling Kouyo in the first place about his magic, yet here was this Porcelain, even physically remaining within arm's reach of a mage he practically admitted he feared.
Perhaps such reckless insanity was exactly what Kumoru required of a student who would be able to understand him.
Kouyo projected a feeling of relief, too, and embraced the human for a brief moment before stepping back. Mad as he was for being unable to keep himself from wishing to trust the human, it was the best weapon he had against Kumoru and whatever dark plans he might not even have. The priest would just have to wait to see how things would go in the future.
... ... Oh yes, "Could this little bird also trouble his friend to lift him to reach that top shelf in the storage room?"
... Such a strange being, this Kouyo.
"Of course."
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Posted: Fri Dec 19, 2008 8:34 pm
Kouyo sat in his nest of blankets in quiet meditation, thinking over his previous visions since coming to Gaia. He had had... different questions in mind, but perhaps one of them held something that would jog his memory and remind him what it was Ranko had asked of him.
The storage room at the book store still required much more work, but Kouyo thought that perhaps he could try to figure something out regardless before he asked for another vision. There was a chance he might not even have to - secretly, this was what he wished for. Having more or less made up with Kumoru there, he felt that he could finally try to confront whatever it was had transpired between himself and Ranko before her departure.
The Name had never given him clarity - he had not become the High Priest simply because the visions came to him, but because Kouyo possessed the mental strength and sensitivity to figure out what they meant. In recent years, and particularly since his first breakdown that lead to the suicide attempt that landed him in Gaia, Kouyo had doubted himself but... he wished to believe that the change was not an irreversable one.
He half-opened his eyes to pull another sheet up over his shoulders for warmth, then settled himself in again and worked to pull the past visions up from his memory.
Something he had missed before. The god from the first vision had handed him... a doll? And told him to do what he wished with them. The doll? The Porcelain? Below him, his people were being slaughtered. That, at least, was something Kouyo had seen before many a time, however he never got used to seeing it.
The god had demanded to know if Kouyo remembered what Ranko had asked of him. Kouyo fought the rising anxiety in his chest and tried to keep his breathing slow and steady. The thought that something he had done would directly result in the deaths of so many.... Kouyo saw himself spilling his own blood, taking his own life - but then he forced himself to remember that he had sworn to Setsushi that he would not do so within the walls of his dearest friend's home.
His second vision.... Kouyo could recall that he had asked how to break his mate-bond. Another thing he was not sure he could ever bring himself to do, no matter how much he thought about it. That vision had served to help turn his eyes away from when he had first bonded to Ranko but... to what instead? To the glaring holes that his memory refused to fill in?
It had left him with some hope, though - perhaps Kouyo could see her again. With that in mind, he could not break his bond and risk leaving Ranko alone. Even though Kouyo had lost everything he had to give in the bonding, the Porcelain could not bring himself to make the decision to break it on his own. He would have to force himself to continue to endure the pain of being a broken husband until he could be completely certain that Ranko did not wish to hold him together.
... Kouyo reached up to brush tears from his cheek. Strength. He had to have strength.
Especially with his most recent vision, the one that had left him most in doubt with himself. Kouyo had never seen himself as a guide before, or even anyone who looked anything like him. Gods led him through such important things; Kouyo was just a man. Had the final vision been real? Or just his mind playing tricks on him?
He had still been unable to see what it was that Ranko had asked of him. Something... she had given back? His mind began to play upon his fears, though. Had he really gotten it back? What was it? Something very dear to him? Was he aware it was missing? Had been missing?
The priest was struggling now. This was impossible. What was it? The vision had showed him nothing. Had he not been specific enough? Was he too weak to see what the Name had showed him? Was he meant to be confused? Was it information Kouyo was not supposed to know? It had happened to him, though!
Now crying quite fitfully, Kouyo gave up on his meditations and just worked to calm himself down. He would have to ask again, no matter how frightened he was.
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Posted: Mon Dec 22, 2008 7:53 pm
The guides of his past visions seemed to assume that Kouyo remembered what Ranko had asked of him, but the High Priest still could not recall. Perhaps if he had more time he would somehow remember, but he was becoming concerned that it would take up too much time.
Asking so many questions recently... Kouyo apologized to the Name for having to ask something he should already know. However, he had the power to ask and required the answer, and so he settled down into meditation to make his inquiry. He also tried to set aside his lingering fear of the answer - he was the High Priest, and so, even if this question was completely his and his alone, Kouyo hoped he could hold off his personal feelings long enough to at least receive the vision.
Kouyo made himself as comfortable as possible in his nest of blankets and pressed his palms together in prayer, taking pains to be humble in his inquiry after his own missing memories. Then he braced himself for whatever might come in reply, and allowed himself to drift off.
There was no guide immediately, but Kouyo Who Was Watching had experienced other visions where the gods guiding him did not show themselves promptly. His attention was instead promptly drawn to Ranko and Kouyo of Two Years Prior. ... Had he really looked so childish at that time, clinging to his wife and crying himself sick?
Ranko had just told Kouyo of Two Years Prior that she must leave, and does not know when she will return. She may never be back. And she was very tender and gentle with the Porcelain boy crumpled at her feet, though it seemed to Kouyo Who Was Watching that she was not sure precisely how to comfort him. The human was not overly upset, but the feelings she showed did not look entirely fabricated - Kouyo Who Was Watching realized that he could feel her emotions no more clearly than he could feel those of his younger self, though. And so he simply continued watching, paying careful attention....
And then Ranko asked Kouyo of Two Years Prior for "his name"; by her wording, this was not the first time she had asked for it, either. The word she uses to ask is strange, though; she was asking for something that did not seem to quite have a proper word in his language. Kouyo Who Was Watching could not fault the obviously-distraught boy for his lack of understanding. He seemed so upset that he was wholly unable to even string a proper thought together.
"You must give me your name, so I can be your wife, even as a great distance separates us," Ranko told him again.
Kouyo of Two Years Prior blubbered even more, giving no reply, and this appeared to frustrate his wife. She got more insistent and urgent, which upset the boy more. When he could finally put two words together, all he did was beg her to stay with him, or to smuggle him out with her.
Kouyo Who Was Watching felt tears running down his cheeks as he watched; whether or not he could feel anything from his younger self through the vision was irrelevant, as the pain of being left behind and discarded was something he had never forgotten.
He inhaled sharply as Kouyo of Two Years Prior told Ranko that he would die without her, and bit his lip to keep from crying harder. The human immediately retorted that perhaps she would die without Kouyo's name. The boy at her feet promptly broke down sobbing again, and Ranko, apparently regretting her harsh words, leans down to kiss him.
And then she tells him that she will see him again in the underworld.
With that, she took the boy's hands and pried them from her garments, and quickly moved away from him. Kouyo Who Was Watching found his view of the vision fading then, and he saw nothing else relevant. A few moments later, even, he actually returned to wakefulness.
Tears were running down his face outside of his dreams as well, and Kouyo scrubbed them away with the heel of his hand. He still had a heavy pain in his chest, however, and it took effort not to continue to cry. He thought he saw Setsushi's sleeping form in the bed beside his nest - the Knight must have gone to sleep in whatever time had passed since Kouyo had drifted off.
Not wanting to wake him, the High Priest gathered a few warmer blankets around himself and shuffled to the public half of Setsushi's home. And then he began to pace, counting his well-measured steps as he always did when he was anxious in order to satisfy his compulsion. Tears began to run down his face again anyway, and Kouyo decided to allow them.
Why had she asked for his name? Or his "family name" or his "over-name" or whatever it was she had been trying to request. He was Kouyo and he did not doubt that he had given her that name when they had first met. What more was there to identify him? "High Priest" was a title, and it was certainly not one he could give away. In fact, if relinquishing that title had guaranteed his freedom at the time, Kouyo suspected he would have done so in a heartbeat; his birdcage became most oppressive after Ranko departed. His family did not define his identity, either, any more than his mother's or his father's name was his own. True, he had been granted part of his father's name in common, but he was still Kouyo, distinct from Kouu.
Kouyo altered his path to pace now from the screen to the side wall and back, to measure the half of the room in that dimension.
He had no memory of whatever child's-name he had been given, as could not remember far enough back in his life being anything but Kouyo. The only other name that had been given to him was his Elemental Name, which was -
... Precisely what Karyasihu's necromancers had been trying to distill through their torture of Porcelain, as Setsushi had told him, no?
About five minutes later, Kouyo realized he had stopped dead about three measured paces from the wall. He finished the distance and knelt alongside the wall, resting his head against it and closing his eyes as he struggled with this idea and all that it implied.
Ranko was no better than all the other necromancers? No, Kouyo could not deny that she had shown him tenderness and compassion that appeared genuine, even if it was also mixed with cruelty. She had not tortured him to take his Name - she had simply asked. And when Kouyo had refused, she had not taken it anyway.
A sinking feeling of dread came over Kouyo as he wondered what had ultimately happened as a result of his refusal, though. Kumoru had admitted desiring power, and gaining it through souls; the High Priest could not believe that Ranko would also wish for such a thing. She had sounded... desperate? Urgent? Something could have been seriously wrong. And she had suggested that she might die without his "name".
Had he killed her by withholding? What kind of husband did that?
Kouyo immediately began to weep again, anxiety making the tears come in short gasps until he was hyperventilating. Then he fought to try to calm himself down - he could not wake Setsushi!
But would he even know if his wife died, since she was not married to him? Was she alright even now? Was there a chance to set things right if he had indeed put them wrong in the first place?
Then again, he also feared what would be involved in giving her his "name". The wizards of her land had tortured the Lucid to pry their souls from their bodies, but, in doing so, still never managed to take their Names. Would it be possible for a Porcelain to freely give it? Was Ranko trying some kinder tactic? Would Kouyo have been able to survive it, even? Or had she only tried to lure him in with false affection, slept with him to secure his heart, in order to take from him his most precious Name of Water?
Ranko would never do so! Kouyo could not help but trust that she truly loved him because he truly loved her. For a Porcelain man to be mated but unloved often meant death, and the High Priest could only guess that his deep confidence in Ranko in spite of her inability to form a bond with him was the only thing that had sustained him so long already.
Except now there was also the possibility before him that, if he had given her his Name, that would have completed the marriage.
Kouyo mulled over everything, doubting and second-guessing himself deeper into tears until he noticed that it was beginning to grow light outside once again. He realized that Setsushi would be up before long, and he himself would be expected to go to work, and he had not even slept. The last thing Kouyo needed right now was Setsushi worrying over his friend, though - the priest realized he would have greater privacy from his beloved and well-meaning friend locked away in his dusty little storage room.
He stood, blearily rubbing his tear-stained eyes, and started to trudge back to his blankets. The red-haired Porcelain felt profoundly awful, from lack of sleep now on top of everything else, but attempted to at least feign rest until Setsushi woke up. From there, he could do his best to hide his sorrow until he was at the bookstore and Setsushi could have a day free of worries.
If there was one thing he had practiced to an art, it was hiding his deepest secret from his dearest friend.
... There was something very wrong with that. But what choice did Kouyo have?
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Posted: Mon Dec 22, 2008 7:57 pm
Kumoru locked up the bookstore to head home for the evening, but turned to wait for Kouyo before leaving. The High Priest seemed to be able to tolerate being in the bookstore alone alright now, but something about his behavior today had the necromancer concerned.
When he had come in that morning, the priest had been unusually quiet, but had started to have some sort of attack of anxiety before too long. Though Kouyo seemed to have tried to keep it to himself as much as possible, Kumoru had still been able to feel it and it made him a bit jumpy; in the end, the mage made an offer to calm him again with his magic, an offer which Kouyo had accepted. After that, he continued to give off a deeply troubled and upset feeling, but seemed a bit better overall.
The necromancer leaned back against the shop's front door, looking back between the shelf and the wall to see if the High Priest would emerge from the storage room. The pair of them were still on somewhat shaky terms now that the Porcelain knew of Kumoru's study of necromancy, but the few days that had passed since then had allowed their relationship to settle into an odd sort of grudging mutual trust that neither of them wanted to discuss. Kumoru would never ask him what was wrong, but all the same, he also could not leave without first making sure Kouyo was alright.
"I'm closing up now, if you want to leave with me," he called back after a few minutes.
Kouyo stepped out of the back room a moment later, and shut and locked the storage room door. Then, moving like his whole body lacked the energy to do so, he walked up to join the human. He stood close and leaned gently against his chest.
Kumoru would not hold him, but Kouyo did not want to be around Setsushi right now. He was afraid enough of inadvertently revealing his secrets to the human, and had no idea what he would do if he somehow mistakenly told his dearest and only friend among the Porcelain all about his wife. The priest was not sure he wanted to go home, but also did not want to remain alone in the store, working or not.
He needed to see Ranko.
"... Everything alright?" He looked depressed, even ignoring the dull feeling of pain and emptiness he gave off. Though he never before indulged Kouyo's requests to be held, Kumoru hesitantly and awkwardly put an arm around him this time.
Raising his eyes to look up at the human, Kouyo shook his head, and hesitantly projected his surprise at Kumoru's unexpected show of what might have been affection.
Calm, quiet, strong, elegant in everything except in showing tenderness....
He was quiet for a long moment, then reached up to touch Kumoru's face with his other hand and started to speak the words of the human's sleeping spell. His voice was very quiet, but he enunciated clearly and carefully, speaking the words as well as he could remember them from that morning.
Kumoru reeled with surprise, but at the same time felt distinctly impressed that the Porcelain had picked up the words so well. He had only placed the spell on Kouyo what? Three times before?
The mage's arm slipped from around Kouyo and he started to sink to the floor as the magic took hold. The necromancer had a hundred ways he could resist such a simple charm spell, but he found himself willing to submit to it - his best student was demonstrating his skill. Hearing Kouyo willing to use his magic, even after the priest's fear of his necromancy, left the mage feeling a bit more hopeful that he would feel better soon. Moreover, he knew full well he had been harsh with his instruction, and so was willing to allow the Porcelain this one victory.
... But then Kouyo continued to repeat the spell, sending Kumoru down into deeper and deeper sleep.
The High Priest spoke the human's magic with more confidence after he saw it starting to take effect. He remained close to Kumoru, but closed his third eyelid to block him out-
-and then wrapped his arms around her to slowly lower her to the carpet as, overcome with sleep, she lost the power to stand on her own.
What was he doing, sending him to sleep so deeply like this? Kumoru began to worry again, but he could do little else now.
And then he dimly began to feel the Porcelain's hands caressing his face, Kouyo's lips on his mouth and neck, the priest's tongue brushing against his own....
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Posted: Mon Dec 22, 2008 7:59 pm
Kouyo kissed Ranko again and again, starting to cry softly as he felt nothing from her in reply. That was because she was dead, and it was his fault for not giving what she asked for. No, she had never loved him and Kouyo had been a blind fool for ignoring that fact. He deserved all of this pain! They both must have been in the underworld - it was easy to replace the floor of the bookstore with barren ground, and the shelves with jagged rocks. The only place he could see his wife again? But she was gone and unmoving. And too tall, no? And her features a bit too sharp, no? The priest sat over her still body, stroking his fingers through her long hair. He had to bring her back somehow, wake her up, something. Give her his Name and everything would be set right. She was not dead! Could not be! Would everything be alright? Had not the time already passed two years before? If he went back to her now, would Ranko still want him? What if all she wanted was his name - had only mated with him to secure his affections so she could take it from him? If he could see her again, if she still desired him, they would mate again and maybe this time she would be bound to him as he was bound to her. Except she was a human. Kouyo stretched out on the ground to lie down with her, clinging to her shoulders as he rested his head on her chest for a moment. Still alive, still a heartbeat.... How could he give her his Name? Just say 'yes' when she asks. She had not asked, that was how all of this had started. Really? Had he not been in love with her? He had been utterly in love with Ranko, and maybe he had been blinded by it. What Porcelain would give up his Name? As easy as telling a human to have it? The torture had been utterly unnecessary. What fired folk could do that to a Porcelain?! Kouyo was the only one with a heart big enough to love a human anyway. His greatest weapon that, at the same time, left him so completely vulnerable. This was his torture. Kouyo raised his head again and propped himself up on one elbow, his mind filling in the scent of her perfume as he studied her sleeping face. His fond smile was laced with pain. He had failed her.... What if he had given her his Name? Would she then be bonded to him? could he have saved himself these years of madness? As long as he could not see her, touch her, hold her, Kouyo could not be whole. He leaned down again to kiss Ranko deeply. Something was wrong. What was he doing? When she awoke again, he would ask her to mate again, to help quiet the terrible pain he felt. Kouyo should not do that, not now. And when he could think more clearly, he could finally give Ranko his Name, and perhaps then she would finally be married to him. She was gone and Kouyo had to find her first. He had to find her to set everything right. Setsushi would help, remember? But she was here with him right now, was she not? He brushed his tears away as they fell on her cheeks, and kissed the side of her neck so he could inhale the scent of the vanilla perfume she always favored. The High Priest truly was insane. She was not here. She was dead, or worse. And it was all his fault. NO! He had to wait here with Ranko until she awakened. And then Kouyo would finally be able to set things right. Kouyo is insane, and tired. Sleep. Sleep with her.... Everything will be clearer in the morning. Kouyo should sleep now. And so the High Priest finally did, resting his head on Ranko's chest once more and crying softly until, exhausted, he finally drifted off.
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Posted: Fri Jan 02, 2009 10:28 pm
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