Welcome to Gaia! ::

Is that a challenge? wink
Whether you end up playing in this RP or not, we also have a Character Development subforum if you would like to post your character(s) there. Just FYI

Holy Bleep you guys, the character profiles won't fit on the post any more!
I think I'm going to make a Feretris thread in the character development subforum where they will fit. eek

Also I'm really itching to update the Story so Far thing on the front page here to help us all (me :sweat) keep track of the new story lines and the twists on old story lines. Yerp. biggrin

I like some of the improvements but it still does not fit in at all with this fantasy RP.

Alright guys, the character thread is here! We have just over two pages of characters (not all active of course) since this RPG started two years ago.

We have about 10 active members whee

Ok, since you are so insistent, and deep down inside I do like to help people, and perhaps more importantly, because I have today off from work ( wink ), I'll help you with your profile until it is acceptable enough for you to start RPing in this RP. I really appreciate your willingness to work with me and change or add to your profile to join my RP.



The magic sounds fine but I would like more detail on what this black wave does. Does it make people ill? Or is it more like a hard gust of wind that can knock a person over (like chi)?

I don't mind a spelling mistake here and there, but I don't know what you mean by licourish. Do you mean the cand? (licorice). I have a spell checker built into my browser that helps me a lot. I tried to find out what a krazr was but couldn't find any thing like it in the dictionary. Is it a weapon?

What do you mean by pants and shoes of a shinigami? A shinigami is a demon-type thing and I don't know what kind of pants or shoes they wear. The dress here is fantasy based, like LOTR or something like that. A jacket and vest is fine but they are made of natural materials. If you're interested in learning about that sort of clothing, a renaissance clothing store might be a good place to start and I found you one here. For your profile though, it can just say that the jacket is brown leather and he has long pants on or whatever.

Ok, now for your history. It's a good start but some parts just don't fit a fantasy tone. His father can still have a heart attack, and he can still be obsessive about food, but what sort of junk food do you think that they have in a world like this? Most junk food is processed by machines. In a world like this, a person eat unhealthily because they were poor or lived in an area that only had a few options for food.

Also there is no boondox in this world.

They probably also don't have hospitals. If they have healing centers or businesses or traveling healers, his mother would probably still be taken care of at home. Maybe he and his mother had to move in with a relative. Or, maybe they had to get help from a tribe like the Kiyap Turea. Check out this post again (I'm assuming that you read them all), the one under it, and the maps elsewhere in the first page of this thread. Living with the Kiyap Turea or another tribe would really help me help you start RPing.

Right now you have him in Feretris, but in Feretris all men are enslaved and he never would have known his mother.

Lastly, about the magic bringer. You can still have this guy in your history. This guy would probably be a Blaed Kiyap Turea. I'm confused about the immortality thing, though. You aren't actually trying to say that your character is immortal, are you? (If you are, I can't allow that. There's no immortality in this RP.) Maybe the beating drum thing was a practical joke, but the guy felt sorry for your character and impressed at his effort, and so took him in as Blaed stealth warrior apprentice because of his ability with weapons.

Killing bees with katanas? No way. You're talking about before he's had help with his magic, and when he's probably only 13 or whatever. People use smoke to keep bees from stinging them as much. We can say he figured that out, got stung some, but wasn't allergic.

Tell me what you think of my comments, if any of them were confusing or you don't know how you want to change your profile.

If I might add, I also think that you made this character for a setting that does not exist. First of all, this is not Japan, or any part of Asia. You have heavy Asian influences in the history, clothing, and equipment. I believe this is mainly a western-like area with subtle inter-cultural hints. Other than that, he is (I believe) way too young. I can not stand it when there are children, not even men, wielding swords, mastering magic, and being more powerful than people who spent their entire adult lifetimes perfecting their arts. If you haven't noticed, children who are taught how to fight in a war lost their childhood and receive severe psychological issues. Look at eastern Africa for goodness sakes. Even adults who live through wars suffer at least some trauma.

Now for my specifics. The first issue I saw was the age. Like I said, it is unrealistic. Twenty, maybe twenty-five would be balanced for what you said your character is doing. The other large issue I saw was the personality. First off, that is not even a sentence. Second, it hardly seems to describe a person. You do not even graze how the character's mind works, what they like or dislike, or even if they are smart or dumb. I feel no sympathy or compassion for this character because of the personality.

Why does he have white hair? Black and red clothing? If he is a traveler, then he must understand that high-quality clothing would get ruined when wandering. Dark clothing would get ridiculously hot. It does not seem like you took the setting into account when dealing with the clothing or the equipment. There are a plethora of grammatical and spelling errors in the appearance. That contributes to how the entire profile seems to be slapped together.

Onto the history. Shot? Shot by what? Arrows? Bolts? Realize that guns were not invented. Considering they were peasants, any projectile wound would most likely infect early on and possibly kill the mother. Healers are not people who sit around and casts spells at anybody who wanders by. They need to make money too, so most decent healers do charge for their services. Considering that, the mother might not have survived. Other than that, and what Penden said, I believe that you copied a previous history/setting and just switched out a few words to try to fit the names of the setting. You jump to second person near the end, then back to first. Aside from that, most people do not discard weapons alongside the road. If they were in fact discarded, then the weapon most likely gathered rust and became near useless. I'm sorry, but this bothered me: it is spelled "intellect". When you are trying to convince someone of your character's mental power, it tends to help spell the adjectives correctly.

When it comes to writing a profile, fresh tends to be better. Do not try to copy a previous character, whether or not the character was yours. Please, run your profile through spell check. And please be tolerant of criticism. People do not give you advice to make you feel horrible and sad. Letting your emotions run your decisions will not get you far, so filter through their advice. I gave a lot of pointers and criticism to you, but if you huff off, ignore it, or flame me, your profile will not get better. It will not change what I said. So take it as it is: criticism.

Your profile has potential. Keep trying.

Thanks, nonagon, welcome, and I think the history between the tribes will be fine in its essentials. Although there have been tensions of late, those have gotten worse after the time that Maelyn was born. Don't you think you've given her too much magic, though? One class should be just fine! I'll be thinking of a way to get you started in the RP part, even if I do ask you to change the magic or something. I haven't decided all that yet.

As for Roka's critique of Captain Kyoraku's character, all good points. Personally I remake my characters for RPs all the time but then I also have more experience doing that. It's more the fact that it was so easy to tell that it was not a fresh profile. I also find that personalities are hard to describe, and that you get the best sense of the character through a more developed background, although of course that is not a reason to ignore the personality section. That, also, would be less of an issue if the background were more complete, although you've got a good start.

I just added mysterious fox-like creatures that serve as mounts for tiny people. biggrin
There are unicorns and other mythical creatures, but they haven't come into play so to speak.

Didn't I try to get you to join like 2 years ago? xd

Metamorphosis and Shape shifting are essentially the same thing.

As for my character's magic, I'll leave it at illusion/light play magic. I thought that the magic might be the biggest problem there. Un.n