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Lilly's Diary
personal thoughts here
panic attack
Chloe talking to her mom about us moving down there, it's not set in stone, and is potentially only good news, but man is it ever a double edged sword.

I wouldn't be able to live with Chloe right away, I'd be staying at her mom's boyfriends place I think.. which is both good and ******** horrifying. It's good for chloe because she wants some distance from me, but it's ******** HORRIFYING for me, because I don't know her mom's boyfriend, and I'd be away from the only person I know, which would cause me incredible anxiety and i'm getting freaked out just thinking about it

I don't know how long we'd live apart, but presumably until we could get our own place together, which might be several months or more depending on where we have to live. Living with someone I never met without chloe who i've lived with 8 years.. my head is spinning and i might pass out

Then there's the stipulations: We'd have to get jobs, which is a no brainer. Get our licenses, which is another no brainer. The final one is what really freaks me out, because we'd have to do online college.. the only thing I was thinking about doing was computer repairs and things like that, general IT, and I don't think you can do that online because it requires you to be there in person to see what's wrong and how to fix the problem. Having the pressure of someone breathing down my neck like "GET A JOB......GO TO SCHOOL.....GET YOUR LICENSE....OR YOU'RE GOING TO BE HOMELESS" makes me INCREDIBLY anxious because I feel like there's 10000 lbs of pressure being put on me now and I'm having trouble breathing

I haven't been able to call chloe or talk about this at all, and I know she really wants to leave and I really want to leave but I'm starting to panic and i'm worrying that we'd be leaving here to go to a better place but under much worse circumstances and i feel so tired and dizzy why can't there just be a no strings no pressure alternative to this

why can't there be a "look, it's okay, come here, get ajob, do things on your own time, no pressure no worries" thing, i'm a very laid back guy i'm not super hxc pressure rush pressure rush guy, that kinda stuff makes me freak the ******** OUT ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

also my hobbies, like would I even have a place to set up my computer so I could play games, would I be allowed to even play games there

does he have internet at his place, would I be able to do the podcast, what the hell would I do aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

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