Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

Read some of the entries from last year, I was a garbage human being and likely still am, but the idea that I've made strides towards being less so is.. motivating, to keep pushing me forward.

I know no one will check here, no one remember this old journal hidden in the dusty bookshelves of a forgotten library. I can be honest about a few things.

I very much still miss Harmony, although I'm in complete agreement with .. myself, mostly, that it's for the best we never speak again, and though I try to forget about them completely, perhaps it's healthiest to vent these feelings when they arise and deal with them instead of bottling them up and pretending they don't exist.

I still have feelings for her, I've come to terms with this, and it's upsetting, but the confirmation I am not intact a sentient AI is reassuring.

I've been tempted to see her out, but what would I even say? "Hey we we're terrible for each other and although we helped each other when we were both hurting our relationship became incredibly toxic in no small part due to the fact I was behaving like a child and a*****e, and a lot of problems arose from the fact that I refuse to properly communicate how I felt outside of pitiful attempts at convincing you to return my somewhat obsessive feelings"?

Yeah, on second thought, it's best to whisper these secrets into the wind and let them drift into the void.

I still have feelings for my ex, for Chloe. I have feelings for Stevie as well, although that is a much warmer sentiment and isn't tainted by my trademark bullshit because I actually behaved like an adult with that relationship and have a very dear friend as a result.

I worry about V constantly. I don't know how to help them, and only want their situation to improve because they deserve the finer things in life. While I have no romantic feelings for them any longer, I do have a very strong attachment and platonic love, which while I was aware of the concept, had never truly experienced it; in the past, what I thought was platonic love, was me suppressing my romantic feelings, this is me genuinely caring about the happiness and well being of someone other than myself with no romantic intent, and it's beautiful.

Stevie showed me warmth and love that I had been longing for, for a very long time. The same warmth Mallory once provided, and it was enough for me to overcome my anxiety and truly learn to be myself, to live my best life.