I know it's not good nor healthy to honestly entertain these ideas, but I do need to vent them, to get them out of my head, put them on paper so I can read them and realize how ridiculous they sound.
I know it's just the time of the month and I'm diving back into my occult bullshit levels and I'm getting paranoid again, I'm distancing myself from people I care about and trying to keep to myself more and more, out of fear what my brain may decide is right and appropriate
having said that, my brain is going "hey but what if N is actually u during the halloween months"
"and shes setting things in motion with her evil spooky plans gasp"
which is stupid and makes no sense but that's the ******** train of thought I'm on right now and it's a nightmare
like, I'm starting to slowly head back to "EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE IS A CONSPIRACY TO DRAG ME TOWARDS SOME VAGUE GOAL, GASP"
that's ridiculous, it's stupid, but ******** it lets vent it
attachment issues so I can't genuinely stay away from people I'm close to means I can't actually exit social situations that I need to, bc I know I need to ghost and not talk to anyone that matters for a month or two
god I need a cigarette
it feels like everything in my life has been set up like dominoes and they're waiting for the right time to kick them over and send me spiraling towards some unknown fate
part of me wants to just jump in head first and accept this fate, but the logical part of me knows I've been "oh no afraid" of this s**t bc giving in to my impulses and emotions on a whim typically leads to me hurting people
it didn't last time bc i ended up in a relationship with someone very sweet, but I can't accept that as anything more than an outlier, and I need to continue to practice caution
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Lilly's Diary
personal thoughts here
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