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I'm tired of the struggle
I know I got jealous and I calmed down a lot.

I'm just tired of the struggle. I'm tired of worrying about her moving on and leaving me behind. I'm tired of the fear that she's going to find someone and abandon me to rot in this hellhole. I know she always says she won't, but .. I know what it feels like when you fall in love with someone else. Nothing else really matters after that, I mean you still care and worry about your friends, but you need to focus on your own life.

I'm just tired of worrying and not being able to support myself. I'm tired of everything good in my life being taken from me.

My life was almost perfect in Missouri. It was stressful, yeah - but it was so close to perfect it's not even funny.

I had the woman I loved. We had money. We were happy. I was able to escape Sabinal.

We moved to Kansas. Things got rocky, but .. even then, I guess I realize in retrospect, in comparison, things were still pretty ******** perfect. We had stress, but few worries.

We ended up moving back to Sabinal. s**t got BAD. Living in my dads house is not an option, not ever again. I will literally kill myself before I ever move back in there. I'm not doing it. There is nothing in life that's worth living in that house again. We survived though, it was the two of us, and we loved eachother dearly, so we managed.

We finally moved into this house, and s**t got really great for a while. Living in Sabinal still sucked a**, but we had my RL friend, Barry, who we could hang out with and get out of town with. I could do things with him, I had friends, and life was pretty good, now that I think about it.

I guess I just took everything for granted. I lost Barry, as a friend. I lost Chloe. My house is falling apart. My job is literally the only thing I have, and even that feels tenuous. I lost everything.

The fall from grace is pretty goddamn shocking. It's a very slow realization that you literally have nothing left. I have Chloe as a friend, but how long until she leaves? She wants to live alone.. She wants to move on and live her life, and I certainly can't blame her. She's finding love and happiness, and all that talk of us always living together seems to grow fainter each day.

16 months left of my prison sentence. 16 months left until I can die. I'm giving myself until 30 to see if things get better.. but with each day, things just seem to get worse and worse.

Chloe doesn't want me to kill myself, doesn't want me to die. The way I see it - what's the difference between me being dead and not in your life, anymore? She's going to be busy with her new life fairly soon, and I'll be a memory. Hopefully a good memory, but a memory. The dead are also just memories. I'm going to make sure she can move, I'm going to make sure she can afford to move.

I'm still going to buy games, but I'll probably buy much less. I'm going to keep on saving up money. I was going to buy glasses, I was going to get health insurance and try to get medications so I could improve my life but.. why would I waste the money? Why spend several hundreds of dollars on a life I'm throwing away, regardless? It's pointless.

The money could go to helping her, however. It could go to helping her move and living with people she genuinely cares about and wants to be with. I'm so tired of this life, I'm so tired of everything being taken away.

Very soon, I'm going to lose the only thing I have left.. and I will literally have nothing. That's no kind of life to live.

Hell, I didn't even touch on the fact that Frost is dying. One of my few old friends left. One of the constants in my life, dying. He'll probably be dead before I am, I hope he is, because I don't want his last few years to be miserable. He's the only person who knows what it's like to have nothing, and to want to die.

Life is just taking and taking and taking, and not ever giving anything back, and I'm so tired of fighting. I'm tired of being happy only to have it taken away from me again, let me get used to the suffering so I can't tell i'm suffering anymore, don't give me glimpses of happiness.

I'm tired of trying to find things to be happy about, I'm tired of trying so hard to be a positive force, I just want to lay in the highway and never get up. I think about it constantly, have thought about it every hour of every day for years. I just want to lay in the highway and die. 30 can't come soon enough.





 
 
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