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So, Chloe has been wondering why I haven't been acting cutesy around her, why there was a tonal change in how I act -- that's because I'm no longer in "boyfriend" mode, I'm in friend mode.

I never acted cutesy around Barry or any of my other friends, and if I said otherwise, I was lying to myself.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't atleast a tiny bit bitter about being alone, but I have no one to blame but myself.

to preface this, I will say, when someone talks about "stepping aside and letting others be in love for their happiness", I usually say that it's stupid, love if selfish, it's a battle, you shouldn't just step aside and let someone else claim victory, you need to fight.

If you love someone, and your friend loves them to, don't just give them up to your friend because you want your friend to be happy, the only reason you should give up is if that person decides they genuinely love your friend more than they love you, and wants to be with your friend.

Having said that, that's exactly what happened.

Going deep into my delusions, I had multiple "potential partners", all of whom I cut loose one by one because many many years ago I had decided that I only wanted to be with Chloe, even if it meant her leaving me and being alone forever. Stupid decision on my part, but I acted on emotion, not logic.

Then there was Harmony, and this was a "battle I lost" scenario. I knew we were long distance, I knew she didn't actually love me, and I knew she didn't want to be with me, so I cut my fate bond with her as well, and she ended up free and happy, and is getting married soon! (This is also why when she hints that I'm interested in her that I get so goddamn annoyed because no, b***h, I made peace with this ages ago, I'm not interested in you any more, etc.)

Finally, with Chloe, that was another "battle I lost", and this was because we had known eachother at too young of an age and sabotaged our love, or something stupid like that. I knew she didn't love me and had fallen out of love with me, and that's fine, so I cut my fate bond with her too. I did that some time last year. Cut her free, and now she's happier than ever. Planning to move near the guy, he's the only person who sh'es ever had genuine romantic feelings for, and the way they talk to eachother, you can tell it's true love.

So, I didn't GIVE UP so much as I lost, because they obviously didn't love me.

My dilemma as it currently stands is, there is no one left. There's no one left I'm "destined" to be with, and maybe there never was. Maybe I'll just be a foreveralone who gets increasingly bitter around valentines and the holidays because he knows he ******** himself over, and has no one to blame but himself.

Either way, I'm just annoyed.

I should never have cut ties with all those girls, I shouldn't have cut them loose before I gave them a chance, and now I'm here. I guess it's not a horrible thing, being alone isn't the worst thing in the world, just immediately after valentines day, it really hit home that I have no one to love, and no one to love me, so I'm still shrugging it off.

Holidays will be the next big hit, which is kind of a 1-2 gut punch. Here's the holidays where everyone is so happy to be together! Now a month or two later, here's V-day as yet ANOTHER reminder that you're a lonely bitter piece of s**t!

Like, oh, okay.

I kind of wish I never dated at all. I kind of wish I had been oblivious to the joys and happiness of having someone I loved and cared about so deeply in my life, because then it wouldn't feel like a genuine loss, it would feel like I was just "missing out". This feeling of having lost someone is like a lead ball in my stomach, weighing me down, and again, I have no one to blame but myself.