Lvrpunk8
I just read chapter eight. I could see you were having some trouble with it. It was kinda awkard in the first part. I noticed several mistakes, not grammer, I'm not good with that, just little things.
Yeah, I changed it several times, and I tried to make it all cohesive. This is a first draft for a reason!
Lvrpunk8
When they were in they were walking and Elle jumped in front of him stopping him in his tracks and then you put another sentnce saying that chousa stopped. That's redundant you don't need that. we already knew he stopped. Then when Elle couldn't find chousa at the marketplace, how could she follow in his tracks?
Chousa was walking in a straight line - I figured that Elle would follow his track pattern?
Lvrpunk8
Then when the guy was following her you called him Orion and then Orion suddendly appeared infront of her. It was really confusing and needs to be cleared up.
I looked that entire scene over and I couldn't see what exactly was confusing - the brunette, Dietrich, was the one chasing Elle because he recognized her from the night in Rythias when Retica was murdered. Sorry for any confusion! I do refer to Dietrich several times as "the brunette", only because his name had yet to be revealed. If there is something in particular that I might have missed, please do point it out! I'm looking over this and I'm just now noticing the grammar mistakes. Always a good idea to have someone read it over before you post it anywhere, haha.
Lvrpunk8
Why wasn't Elle afraid of the woman and why didn't Chousa try to protect her? When the woman appeared why did they both stop fighting at the same time? Wouldn't they just keep fighting so noone got the upper hand? The best place to protect someone is have them behind you in a corner. Why would Chousa jump one guy and leave Elle to fend for herself with no weapon agaist two other people? Would he jump out next to her and try and keep her alive?
1. The woman said "I can't let you do that" which the reader could hopefully infer would stop the arbiters from harming Elle.
2. Chousa was busy pwning Dietrich, which leaves him a little tied up - he can't exactly do everything at the same time, haha. You could infer any of the following: Chousa saw Dietrich running after Elle, but didn't see the other two blocking her path, OR, Chousa decided to take down Dietrich and go after Orion and Finneas aftewards.
3. You'll notice that Chousa isn't the best at configuring plans, which can lead you to infer that Chousa didn't see Orion or Finneas and was too focused on Dietrich. Had he
seen the other two arbiters, he probably would've thought otherwise.
Lvrpunk8
Then When they were in the house she was modest not wanting anyone to see her. Why would she just tell someone to come in when she wasn't wearing clothes?
Elle is a very timid person, as you might have already guessed. But she did have a towel wrapped around her - you could probably infer that Elle didn't want to be rude by keeping the person outside the door waiting?
Lvrpunk8
That's all I can remember seeing and thinking. Otherwise it was a good chapter.
Glad you enjoyed it! <3
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