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So what do you think?

Great 0.28308823529412 28.3% [ 77 ]
Good 0.22794117647059 22.8% [ 62 ]
Okay 0.18382352941176 18.4% [ 50 ]
Needs work. 0.21691176470588 21.7% [ 59 ]
Bad 0.088235294117647 8.8% [ 24 ]
Total Votes:[ 272 ]
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um i think i have to agree w/ the one dimensional stuff bcuz maria's character doesnt seem to be going anywhere and i think it kinda takes away from the reality of the story. i just don't think anyone could get away w/ being like thsi for very long. i liked her charcter at first but when the b***hiness continued its starting to wear on me. maybe a small explaination woudl help.

heh and i would looooove desciptions! theyr oen of my fav parts cuz they really help me picture everything. now im not sayin use tolkien descriptions where u spend 4 pages in 8 font on a tree. but just whatever would stand out to your character.

^_^ but pretty good so far. i keep readin cuz i wanna see some story dynamics
Yeah just be patient and wait for it to happen. Oh dear if her character is wearing on you then I don't think you'll make it in the story.. like read all of it.
Desciptions are so boring to me but when I find the time, I'll try and do them.
Ah yes, descriptions... they take a while.
Also, it's hard to find time to write them apart from the actual story itself to be written.
it's good so far and i think that the guy who keeps stopping her has a part in the story apart from just stopping her and getting on her nerves lol. i hope u write more soon.
Lol, your so right angebabe! I didn't put him in the story for nothing.


The first chapter, or chapter fragment made me giggle-fit. Though I do agree that Maria swears much too often, even if it is in her personality, I can say that I enjoyed it quite thoroughly. I'd just take a closer look at punctuation. ^^

Lol, thanks Andrew!
Vote for me in the arena people... please??
Sorry for not posting this sooner. Lately I've been writing short stories that been distracting me from posting the rest of this story. Sorry again.
The rest of chapter two.
“Maria, are you feeling okay? You never fell asleep or went to bed till it was ten.” My mom said as she sat on the other chair while I sat across the room from her. I looked out the window and saw that it was night. What the ********? How long have I been asleep? My mom works at some business and then comes home at seven for a thirty minute break and then goes to her other job.

“I’m fine mom. So what’s to eat?” I was hungry. I guess after sleeping you get hungry. My mom looked down then started to fiddle with her hands. Oh god, she didn’t get anything to eat again. My mom is so stupid sometimes. I looked down and then up. “Whatever, I guess I’ll walk to some restaurant and eat there.” I got up and walked to my room to get my wallet that had a twenty. My mom lets me walk to places at night. She doesn’t have very good controlling skill.

“I’m sorry, Maria.” My mom said as I passed her to get to the front door. Whatever. I turned and looked at her. She was walking to the kitchen, probably getting her pills. Pitiful. I turned and walked out the door. I closed the door and started to walk to a local tofu place. They have some good tofu soups. It also is close to my house, I just have to walk down the block, cross the street and walk a little bit down the street and I’m there.

When I got there, it was kind of busy. There was a lot of Koreans in there too. Each and every one of them looked ******** ugly. I sat down in the corner. The waiter came up to me and put down the menu and asked me, “What would you like to drink?” I looked up at him and remembered him somewhere. I looked at him for a bit and tried to remember but I couldn’t. Oh well.

“I’ll have a sweet ice tea, oh and I’ll order now. I’ll have one of the tofu soups, you can pick for me and if I like it then I’ll tip you good.” I like to do this in some restaurants I go to. It let me try other food that I wouldn’t normally try and if I don’t like it then I get to yell at the waiter. “You got that.”

The waiter wrote it down and nodded. “Yeah.” He walked away and I turned my head and looked out the window. A family was leaving the restaurant, the mom and dad was holding their daughter’s hands and swinging her carefully. They seem happy. But all happy things have to end. I watched as they went into their car and droved away. My dad left my mom and me when I was three. I guess he couldn’t handle me or mom. I don’t blame him. I was sad at first but then I got used to it.

As I was looking out the window, I heard the waiter say, “Here’s your drink.” I turned around and looked at my cup of sweet tea. “Here’s your straw and silverware.” He handed it to me and I put it on the table. “So are you waiting for someone here?” What the hell? Don’t ******** talk to me. I unwrapped my straw and put in my drink and drank some of it. Here we go again.

“Hell no, I’m here by myself, now leave me the ******** alone.” I said it while looking at him. He had this what the hell look. Whatever. I then looked out the window again and sipped some of my tea. He walked away. I could hear him. I looked around and saw that some of the people in there were staring at me. I guess they must have heard. Bitches. So I turned around and said, “Is there a problem?” They looked away real fast and continued doing what they were doing. Pretending they didn’t hear me. [******** idiots.

I turned back around and looked out the window. I was looking at the cars that were driving past this place. It would be interesting if a car crash happened right in front of this place. I then heard someone come over. I turned around and saw my waiter was coming over with a steaming bowl. He put it gently on my table. There were a lot of vegetables in my soup too; there were corn, green beans, tomatoes and of course tofu. Wow this looks good. I was about to start eating it but then all of a sudden my waiter guy asked right in front of my table, “You don’t remember me, do you?” What?

The end of chapter two... so what did you guys think?
I'd appreciate if you completed an entire chapter before posting. The method that you're doing it in makes the posted material too short, and since I'm enjoying the story, that's a major problem for me.

Otherwise, nice addition. I can't wait to learn more about Maria. And that waiter, too.
Marshall Turner
I'd appreciate if you completed an entire chapter before posting. The method that you're doing it in makes the posted material too short, and since I'm enjoying the story, that's a major problem for me.

Otherwise, nice addition. I can't wait to learn more about Maria. And that waiter, too.


I actually wrote most of the story already; I'm just sometimes too busy or distrated to post more of my story. Lol, thanks for commenting and sorry for making you wait.
I don't like tofu. D:
But I DO like chapter two!
Bravo!
I'd still like to learn a lot more about Maria's mom, though. And Maria herself, of course. And the waiter! But did you specify his ethnicity? :/
u have me waiting 4 the next chapter of the story now smile . can't wait 2 read more. hope u post fast this time lol smile .
Yay! I see a MAJOR improvement from the first entry, with only a few grammatical errors (for instance, "'...till it was ten.' My mom said..." might be better revised as "'...till it was ten,' my mom said..." and "droved" should be "drove" or "drived" wink and no detectable speeling mistakes anywhere! Good job!

I have to agree, I am dying to find out more about Maria and her mother, not to mention the waiter. And it would be nice to see longer installments, but not too long.

Keep it up!

And did you re-create your avatar? The eyes look different.

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