Well first I'd just like to say that I'm happy to see all the new faces around here and it's great that we have some really good questions and discussion going already.
Renacide: Glad to see you around. I feel pretty much the same way about love. As well :3
@ mindy_does_stuff:Take your time, have a look around. Don't worry we won't bite, haha. Happy to see a fresh new face!
I know that some of you have already received responses from other people in the thread but I'd like to give a couple of cents of my own if you don't mind as well.
@Syn: I think if you're someone's primary partner then you should have the attention and respect of that. It really sounds to me of your original post and reply to Maar that your ex was just using it as an excuse to have you on 'standby' while going for other women (or girls as the case may be...). Especially if you are arranging the details for marriage, not paying attention because he's hitting on a teenager is really uncalled for.
I don't think that you're selfish for wanting attention paid to you, even in a polyamorous relationship. Being in that sort of a relationship isn't an excuse to ignore your partner while you go try to pick up other people and only slink back home when you're unsuccessful and be comforted by the fact that you still have someone at home. Finding people and dating sure is a part of a polyamorous relationship, but if you're not taking care of the existing relationship things are bound to fall apart.
Especially if he ignores your discomfort and continues doing whatever he wants to regardless of whether or not he would hurt you in the process. I'd say the boy really needed to learn the fundamentals of a healthy relationship before even thinking about adding more people to it.
@Chikara: Bringing up the topic of polyamory can be a very tricky subject to start with. I'm quite lucky myself because I've never actually had to think about how to bring it up, because by the time me and my boyfriend started dating we'd already talked about our philosophies of relationships and found both of us would prefer something that wasn't monogamous (started out as an open/swinging style relationship which progressed slowly (and quite naturally for us) into polyamory.) This being said... I have had to debate and wade my way through how to bring it up with other people (friends, family, potential lovers...) so I hope I can be of some use to you.
I find one of the better tactics would be to take things slowly, do small things to test out the water first. First make a joke, then transition into hypothetical scenarios that are with John and Jane Doe, see how those go, how your partner reacts to them. If it seems positive slowly introduce the idea that you are polyamorous to your partner, let them ask questions, give them part of the literature associated with polyamory (either websites, youtube videos, books...). I think the slow transition from jokes, to philosophy, to hypothetical, to explaining your feelings works the best in those situations. I'm all for honesty, I believe it is one of the keystones to a happy, healthy relationship, but at the same time it doesn't have to be blunt slap-in-the-face style honesty.
This being said... From where I'm looking in you seem to be wanting polyamory to fill some gaps and voids in your current relationship, to use another person as sort of a stop-gap measure to gain things fundamentally lacking in your current relationship you're not happy with. I understand that you love your boyfriend and are dedicated to him, but if you cannot work things out between yourselves, if he's not giving you what makes you satisfied in your relationship, then you should perhaps reconsider this relationship as it is. If your relationship isn't healthy adding more people to the equation isn't going to solve the fundamental problems that exist in the pre-established relationship.
I suggest talking to him openly and honestly about how all of this makes you feel, and I know you have but try again. As for what you should say exactly to him.... just explain it how you did here. That you want to be more affectionate with him in public, that you don't really want to be all over him (like making out in the middle of the street), but just show some small token like hand holding to show that he cares. Essentially tell him what you told us about being upset about not being able to hold hands, try to find out exactly why he won't hold your hand (try to delve deeper than just 'it bugs him'), explain that you'd really like to explore and experiment in the bedroom with him and make sure he understands how important this is for you. If he doesn't listen, if he is still ignoring your needs and it's hurting you, then I would highly recommend talking to a couple's counsellor about it, because sometimes the moderator there to guide your discussions can really help get things said that are difficult to say.
If in the end it's looking as though things can't be resolved and your relationship styles just aren't matching up in and out of the bedroom... then it may be time to reconsider if the relationship is right for either of you in the long run. After all it shouldn't be about one person sacrificing their happiness and comfort for the sake of the other, but it's supposed to be about enriching each other's lives right?
@Felis terrapina: Polyamory is not just for people without children, there are many happy healthy families out there where everyone is involved with raising the kids. It can be quite healthy for the child as well because more often than not in polyamorous families they'll always have a parental figure there for them, even if the biological parents aren't around at the time. These things really aren't terribly different than with monogamous parents except there can be a greater support network for the child, think about it really, with the amount of people in the home (living with everyone under one roof) it would be like having an extended family around all the time. Personally I grew up in a large family where I was around extended family (grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins) most of the time anyway so it seems little different to me.
There can be some challenges, such as explaining the relationship to the child, children dealing with the fact that their family is different than other kid's families at school and ect.
But I think with everything it's a matter of keeping it calm and keeping the explanations and answers to questions age appropriate and just like how it is with monogamous parents you keep the sex and such behind closed and locked doors, but the affection (hugging, light kissing, holding hands, ect) should be fine to be out in the open.
But those are my views on the matter, every parent is different, some polyamorous people chose not to tell their children, or at least not tell them until they are older [mid-teens/adults].
As for words from a teenager from a polyamorous family there is an article
here on the subject as well as
Polyamorous Percolations has a section on "Poly and Parenting" which may prove helpful because it has things for parents such as coming out to your kids as well as forthings for kids to help coping with being 'different' [right hand side, bottom link under "Polyamory Issues"].
Hope this has helped.
