How Can I Deal With My Jealousy?

[The Forbidden Soul]

NiiHou

Blackrose_Knight

NiiHou

he shouldn't even be talking to her. why is he keeping in touch with a crush? ******** that, tell him to make her disappear

Bullshit. He is his own person and can't talk to whoever the ******** he wants. Stop being a a controlling b***h. Its unbecoming, unladylike, and hurts the rest of us women who aren't batshit.

he can talk to whoever he wants but as soon as he starts developing feelings for another, he needs to let them the ******** go because that is emotionally cheating at that point. ABSOLUTELY NO OK!
though I wouldn't expect somebody in an open relationship to understand that rolleyes

How about this: Im in a monogamous relationship and even I know this concept to be true.

Not punishing your S/O for their thoughts is the healthiest way to build trust. He/she trusts that you wont retaliate/resent them for their thoughts and you trust them to not ******** you over.

If they ******** you over then your relationship wasn't worth it to begin with, better to find out sooner rather than later. If they dont ******** you over then that just proves how strong your relationship is.

In the end, whatever type of person you decide to be, is up to you. I always try to be the type of person who promotes growth between my S/O and me, and this is one of the fundamentals I picked up along the way.

emotion_c8

[Miss Callista]

Tell him you feel it's inappropriate if he calls and texts her outside of work and try to figure out why the hell you're mad at her. She didn't do anything. It's your husband that has the crush on her so why would you want to hurt her?

At any rate, there's going to be more people that the both of you will have crushes on or be attracted to. It's inevitable and it's something that as a married couple you will have to learn how to overcome and manage in a healthy manner.

[5th Dimension Morning]

Miserable pile of secrets

i wouldn't call that jealousy. i'd call it being insecure.

is it that big of a deal? i mean should we just eliminate every single person from our lives that we've had any sort of relationship/attraction to once we become unavailable? it all comes down to insecurity and trust issues.

if i were him i'd stop mentioning her completely since you can't handle it.

.... no, she's just feeling jealous. and she acknowledges that. and she can handle it, she just was seeking some advice. that's part of handling it. emotion_facepalm dude, you are seriously projecting, big time. neutral

[Valtiel the Watcher]

well.... um there are a lot of factors. I mean if there are double standards and all that yada yada yada. look, I've been in that situation and I did the good thing where i trusted her and I ended up getting burned for it, badly. I understand the hesitation but you have to understand, part of you thinks he's going to go through with it. that's where the fear stems from. you have no control over his actions and you're afraid that he might hp and cheat on you. If you don't think that will happen then trust him. maybe talk to him, not accusing him of anything but just explaining your fears.

You married him so chances are you probably have a god reason to trust him... unless you're a terrible judge of character.

[Tsubahi]

Like I said, all old crushes SHOULD be ancient, dusty history once you're married and committed to each other.

So Sweet Tits better lay off the calling and texting if it isn't about business. neutral

[Little Dead Soldier]

Has he explain why he still talks to his old crush? I dont know, I really dont find it wrong that he is talking to her. He probably just views her as a friend now, since he is married to you. I dont see a reason to be jealous.
Some people just need friends, away from their relationships. Yeah, at one point he liked her, but so what? He married you.

[Little Dead Soldier]

roman and roman again

HAVE YOU SPOKEN TO HIM REGARDING THIS ISSUE

Thhhhis C:

[Misty_Mystix]

Beezerific

Well if you put it that way, I guess I feel insecure about the fact that they work so closely together and that he's known her on a personal level more than me. I mean I've known him for about 5 years but only because we went to the same university and majoring in the same thing so our relationship back then was "do we have a quiz today" and "you got the notes for mcom 301" kinda thing.
That and he told me before he liked her because she is someone who is the opposite of pretty all his exes (including ex-wife).
I know my jealousy is unjustified and he says the way he feels about me is a complete different scale from any feelings he's had for anyone so I just need to figure out how I can get over this and not feel like going on a killing spree when he mentions her name.

What point in your relationship did he come out to say in what way he liked her like that? It's odd to go in such detail of your feelings for someone else with your wife/gf.

[5th Dimension Morning]

Lilith_Lilium

Beezerific

Well if you put it that way, I guess I feel insecure about the fact that they work so closely together and that he's known her on a personal level more than me. I mean I've known him for about 5 years but only because we went to the same university and majoring in the same thing so our relationship back then was "do we have a quiz today" and "you got the notes for mcom 301" kinda thing.
That and he told me before he liked her because she is someone who is the opposite of pretty all his exes (including ex-wife).
I know my jealousy is unjustified and he says the way he feels about me is a complete different scale from any feelings he's had for anyone so I just need to figure out how I can get over this and not feel like going on a killing spree when he mentions her name.

What point in your relationship did he come out to say in what way he liked her like that? It's odd to go in such detail of your feelings for someone else with your wife/gf.

no, it's not. it's healthy I'd be more concered if he kept it secret.

[Beezerific]

I really appreciate all the feedback and I know 100% that the girl would never make a move on him (she's a devote Muslim and can't even stand the fact that he smokes, so I doubt she'd cross a physical boundary). So basically I just have to convince myself that the jealousy I'm feeling has no grounds.
I just honestly don't see it stemming from insecurities, my husband constantly tells me that he only has eyes for me.
Also I doubt I would get along with her as we are completely different people from how my husband describes her. I think it's the idea of anyone from his past being around him boils my blood. I mean, I ask questions I know I won't like the answer to and yet my curiosity gets the better of me. I don't know, I guess I just have to give it more time to be ok with it.

[Blackrose_Knight]

Beezerific

I really appreciate all the feedback and I know 100% that the girl would never make a move on him (she's a devote Muslim and can't even stand the fact that he smokes, so I doubt she'd cross a physical boundary). So basically I just have to convince myself that the jealousy I'm feeling has no grounds.
I just honestly don't see it stemming from insecurities, my husband constantly tells me that he only has eyes for me.
Also I doubt I would get along with her as we are completely different people from how my husband describes her. I think it's the idea of anyone from his past being around him boils my blood. I mean, I ask questions I know I won't like the answer to and yet my curiosity gets the better of me. I don't know, I guess I just have to give it more time to be ok with it.

See all that rage was for nothing. She is not going to make a move on him. He just has to process his crush fee-fee's and move on with it. And remember, its not fair, honest, or okay to punish your husband for thoughts or feelings. He just needs to move through them, and he will.

I think the bolded is really telling tho. Why? Why do people from his past being around him piss you off so much? That is really not normative behavior. Truly its not. They are relationships from the past, they are not ongoing, its not like you can just hop the next time machine and meet your husband sooner. Each relationship he had sculpted him into the person you know and love today. Be grateful for those past relationships they helped bring your husband to you.

Song suggestion - God Bless The Broken Road by Rascal Flatts. While I strongly disagree with the premise all ended relationships are failures. I see each relationship, and experience really, as a teacher, even the negative things I have had in relationships were teachers leading me to discover my more authentic self. Anyway, give the song a listen.

[Beezerific]

Blackrose_Knight

See all that rage was for nothing. She is not going to make a move on him. He just has to process his crush fee-fee's and move on with it. And remember, its not fair, honest, or okay to punish your husband for thoughts or feelings. He just needs to move through them, and he will.

I think the bolded is really telling tho. Why? Why do people from his past being around him piss you off so much? That is really not normative behavior. Truly its not. They are relationships from the past, they are not ongoing, its not like you can just hop the next time machine and meet your husband sooner. Each relationship he had sculpted him into the person you know and love today. Be grateful for those past relationships they helped bring your husband to you.

Song suggestion - God Bless The Broken Road by Rascal Flatts. While I strongly disagree with the premise all ended relationships are failures. I see each relationship, and experience really, as a teacher, even the negative things I have had in relationships were teachers leading me to discover my more authentic self. Anyway, give the song a listen.

I will definitely listen to the song and I know that those previous relationships he's had have shaped him into the person he is now but it's just hard to really pinpoint why it bugs me. I'm not saying I don't have a colorful past, I just can't help but sometimes picture him with his exes (I knew a couple of them).
Honestly though, talking about it here has helped me because I don't really have people I can just vent to (all my friends are also friends with my husband so it would just be weird to bring something like this up) and strangely enough is helping me come to terms with my feelings. Who knew random people on the internet would help? biggrin

[Blackrose_Knight]

Beezerific

Blackrose_Knight

See all that rage was for nothing. She is not going to make a move on him. He just has to process his crush fee-fee's and move on with it. And remember, its not fair, honest, or okay to punish your husband for thoughts or feelings. He just needs to move through them, and he will.

I think the bolded is really telling tho. Why? Why do people from his past being around him piss you off so much? That is really not normative behavior. Truly its not. They are relationships from the past, they are not ongoing, its not like you can just hop the next time machine and meet your husband sooner. Each relationship he had sculpted him into the person you know and love today. Be grateful for those past relationships they helped bring your husband to you.

Song suggestion - God Bless The Broken Road by Rascal Flatts. While I strongly disagree with the premise all ended relationships are failures. I see each relationship, and experience really, as a teacher, even the negative things I have had in relationships were teachers leading me to discover my more authentic self. Anyway, give the song a listen.

I will definitely listen to the song and I know that those previous relationships he's had have shaped him into the person he is now but it's just hard to really pinpoint why it bugs me. I'm not saying I don't have a colorful past, I just can't help but sometimes picture him with his exes (I knew a couple of them).
Honestly though, talking about it here has helped me because I don't really have people I can just vent to (all my friends are also friends with my husband so it would just be weird to bring something like this up) and strangely enough is helping me come to terms with my feelings. Who knew random people on the internet would help? biggrin

Does it bother you that he was once happy with someone else? I mean I legit and honestly don't get why knowing someone you love once loved someone else is such a big dealio. What matters is the present. The past is the past.

But hey if you got something out of us rando's on the internet - more power to you.

[Ta Lu]

You just gotta remember that you shouldn't put your anger on someone unknown person, that is "over there", the problem is in front of you.

Its understandable that you feel insecure about the fact that he still talks lightly about her, but you're the one he married and you're the one he felt was the better match. Enjoyment. Most of society don't marry people they don't enjoy being around, sure he may enjoy her presence, but at the end of day there was something about you, that he enjoyed more.

I'd say if both of you have some time, plan a fun at home or foreign excursion. Reintroduce and remind the both of you and especially yourself, there are some things she will not have any experience in.

And remember that both you and your hubby are human, it is an enriching thing to have different kinds of people in your life.

Maybe if there is a workplace event that happens that you can go do, I would advise go, and maybe get to know the woman. The best way to reassure yourself is better know another.

[GhostlyMark]

There are some scary females in this thread