How Can I Deal With My Jealousy?

[GoldenEnlightenment]

5th Dimension Morning

GoldenEnlightenment

-le sigh- alright, let's just pretend for one moment that i'm making all of this up because i'm an angry, 39 year old, cat lady, who is uneducated, single, and hates life

what the ********? confused where the hell did that come from? because I certainly never said any of that about you. stick to the issues.

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Now I ask you, have you ever asked people what they fantasize about? Probably not, considering that would be very blunt for socialization purposes, and could be considered sexual assault in some areas.

I don't see how any of that is relevant. this seems like you are trying to discredit me and steer the debate off course. a diversion tactic, complete with a red herring.

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So let's go to the next best source. A place where the world puts everything out to share,e like you and I are right now, because they can't say it in public. Google "What men think about when fantasizing." You will get what I just said. Mostly strangers, rarely current lovers (and why would they when they could have real coitus with them?), and that there is very little feeling during the solo act. Women on the other hand are most likely to think about current lovers and fantasies with them (often ones they are too shy to bring up, or have got shot down for) and how that person makes them feel. Don't get me wrong, they may fantasize about that cute barista, but better chances are it's something they want to do with their own lover.

that is confirmation bias right there. a logical fallacy.

the fact is, that these claims about what is more likely behavior from men versus what is more likely behavior for a woman are made by people who are conditioned to believe those very claims before they make them themselves. those same claims were made before them, and taught in our society. but just because they are commonly believed to be true does not make them true.

you can google it all you want, but just because a google search says it's true doesn't make it true, either.

there are men who will fantasize about models and celebrities and strangers, yes. and there are women who will also fantasize about models, and celebrities and strangers. and there are women who will fantasize about the people that they love more often, yes. and there are also men who will fantasize about the people they love more often, too. the statistics regarding which subjects of fantasy are more likely for any given man, or more likely for any given woman, to think about do not depend on the sex or gender of the person thinking about them. being a man does not inherently make you mor elikely to fantasize about strangers, and being a woman does not inherently make you more likely to fantasize about loved ones.

that is a claim that people are conditioned to believe.

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First, thank you for the Eng 111 class, but I passed with an A. I know all about writing fallacies, not that any writer, even those who publish dictionaries, could possibly avoid using at least one.

While google isn't the end all of every question, unless you want to visit hundreds of psychologists whom specialize in the field of sexuality, google is the next best option, as many put their observations, beliefs, and findings in online journals (which is where I retrieved my information).

You seem like an educated individual, or at least one who knows how to sound intellectual, so I'm sure you would agree that even if you were a professional in this subject (which I don't think you'd be offering services on Gaia), that the best opinion is that which is gathered from SEVERAL sources.

You mention "this is a claim that people are conditioned to believe.", and by the claim, you were referring to the thought that men fantasize about strangers and women fantasize about loved ones.
Conditioning is "a behavioral process whereby a response becomes more frequent or more predictable in a given environment as a result of reinforcement, with reinforcement typically being a stimulus or reward for a desired response.", according to Encyclopedia Britannica, under the term "Conditioning".
Why would people be conditioned to believe that men only fantasize about strangers and women with loved ones?
You also missed the fact I clearly said "most", not all.

This whole conversation was relevant until you brought in the English lesson and tried to steer what would normally be a less "feisty" person off track. Unfortunately, I don't give up that easily.

In conclusion, the main objective of my post was not to discredit anyone. It was meant to give the original author some understanding as to what may be happening in their life.
You, however, have made this whole thread into an argument against yourself, and for no apparent reason. Nobody had to discredit you, because you've done it on your own.

[5th Dimension Morning]

GoldenEnlightenment

First, thank you for the Eng 111 class, but I passed with an A. I know all about writing fallacies, not that any writer, even those who publish dictionaries, could possibly avoid using at least one.

emotion_facepalm good gods, that is just painful to read.

1.) if you are so educated about these fallacies, and yet continue to use them, I am forced to conclude that you are trolling.

2.) you don't think any writer can write anything without using any fallacies? I cannot believe that you are serious about that claim, you must be trolling. all it takes is to notice that you are using a fallacy, and remove said fallacy. done. no more fallacy.

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While google isn't the end all of every question, unless you want to visit hundreds of psychologists whom specialize in the field of sexuality, google is the next best option, as many put their observations, beliefs, and findings in online journals (which is where I retrieved my information).

.... no, you could simply do some research in your college library reference section, and cite your sources. neutral easy.

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You seem like an educated individual, or at least one who knows how to sound intellectual, so I'm sure you would agree that even if you were a professional in this subject (which I don't think you'd be offering services on Gaia), that the best opinion is that which is gathered from SEVERAL sources.

several reputable sources. random internet searches don't qualify. anecdotal evidence doesn't qualify.

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You mention "this is a claim that people are conditioned to believe.", and by the claim, you were referring to the thought that men fantasize about strangers and women fantasize about loved ones.
Conditioning is "a behavioral process whereby a response becomes more frequent or more predictable in a given environment as a result of reinforcement, with reinforcement typically being a stimulus or reward for a desired response.", according to Encyclopedia Britannica, under the term "Conditioning".
Why would people be conditioned to believe that men only fantasize about strangers and women with loved ones?

the way in which our culture reinforces gender stereotypes, gender roles, and the myths about human sexual dymorphism are numerous, and occur both in subtle and overt ways. images and representations in media, advertising, targeted marketing, language and slang, fashion, colour associations, traditions, and so on. furthermore, bahavior and presentation which follows those gender biases is blatanty rewarded, while bahavior and presentation which defies it even the smallest bit is punished (often violently, or even fatally). so, yes, it meets ALL the requirements of bieng considered "conditioning".

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You also missed the fact I clearly said "most", not all.

no, I didn't. I am challenging the claim that even most do. I don't think that there are so much as trends based on gender for the content of peoples' fantasies.

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This whole conversation was relevant until you brought in the English lesson and tried to steer what would normally be a less "feisty" person off track. Unfortunately, I don't give up that easily.

no, it wasn't. my "english lesson" wasn't even an english lesson; it was a logic lesson. because you were using logical fallacies. that means that your arguments were flawed. among those flaws were irrelavent statements. I was not bringing anything off track; I was bring it back on track. you were steering it way out into left field.

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In conclusion, the main objective of my post was not to discredit anyone. It was meant to give the original author some understanding as to what may be happening in their life.
You, however, have made this whole thread into an argument against yourself, and for no apparent reason. Nobody had to discredit you, because you've done it on your own.

all I did was call out bullshit when I saw it. your claims contribute to the overall trend of oppressing people by locking them into gender-assigned roles as justified by apparant differences between the sexes.

[GoldenEnlightenment]

5th Dimension Morning

And it just so happens I did get my research from university databanks, I just don't see any point writing a term paper for someone who wanted advice on a website for TEENS.
You are the troll; a stubborn, arrogant berk, who's main purpose on this forum is to knit pick at every conclusion or suggestion given.
While I'd love to stay and point out your personal fallacies, you've yet to produce one iota of evidence towards the topic, your argument, or a counter argument. In fact, all you've done is made this about you. I hope this little bit of attention from a stranger helps you live your life, although my last suggestion would be to go outside once in a while and learn how to make friends.
There's no logic to your existence here.

btw, it really sounds like you need to get laid when you talk about all the "gender locking" bullshit, just a heads up for when someone points it out later

[5th Dimension Morning]

Clouderoth

Well God bless the person who ends up in your Nazi relationship.

Ad Hominem. a personal attack does not a proper argument make. also, comparing me to a nazi? over what? suggetsing that jealousy is unhealthy? that is a FAR CRY from the systematic genocide of jews, roma, and homosexuals.

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Relationships take communication. The only BS I see here is how worked up you are over everyone's posts who are trying to help this person out. What have you done to help her? Oh yah, NOTHING, you haven't even tried.

yes, relationships DO take communication. that was the main point of the advice I gave the OP. Communication and Trust are the two most important things in all relationships.

here is the advice that I gave the OP.

5th Dimension Morning

Beezerific

So I've been married now for almost 9 months and my husband and I are extremely happy, thank God. Problem is that at his job there is a chick that he was crushing on for a while before he and I became an item and I know that he would never cheat on me but I can't help feeling like I want to punch that girl's face in whenever he mentions her or when she calls or texts him.
I just want to get over this feeling of pure jealousy and rage over this girl. Can anyone give me some advice?

my honest advice is that you should

1.) acknowledge how you feel.

2.) analyze why you feel that way.

3.) accept that you feel that way

4.) Communicate with your husband about your feelings.

5.) understand that emotions are always valid but never rational.

6.) recognize that jealousy is toxic.

and 7.) Trust your husband.

smile

not all jealousy has it's roots in insecurity. sometimes it's just the feeling that you aren't receiving something that somebody else is. and it doesn't even have to be true. just the feeling. I sometimes get jealous that I have less attention from my friends than other friends do, for example. but the reality is that I just don't have the means to spend as much time with them as, say, my ex does, because I don't live on that side of town anymore and I don't have a car. my feelings are still valid, but they are justified and they aren't doing me or anyone else any good.

the key to handling jealousy in a healthy way is to try to really get to know your jealousy, and then use your intimate knowledge of your feelings to help guide your judgement. don't let your emotions control you. knowledge is power.

still think I was unhelpful? that I didn't even try?

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Thing is, if she can't talk to her man because YOU say that she needs to get over it, and he needs to just continue because you think Poly-whatever-relationships are for EVERYONE, then I hope you have to deal with this very thing, and I hope you get jealous, and I hope you can manage to "Overcome" it, even if he ends up leaving you over it.

I didn't say that she shouldn't or couldn't talk to him about it. I told her she SHOULD talk to him about it. I disagreed with you not on communication, but on the idea that a committed relationship means just because somebody feels jealous that you should stop hanging out with or talking to the person your SO is jealous of.

and I never said that Poly relationships are for everyone. I said that some people are monogamous by nature, and some people are polyamorous by nature. the point is that EVEN IN A MONOGAMOUS RELATIONSHIP jealousy is TOXIC. it will kill your relationship. Trust and Communication are not something unique to Poly.

and I do get jealous, like anybody else. and I do overcome it. all the time. it's easy, when you Trust your SO.

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This woman and her fiancé need to talk it out for themselves and find a solution for this problem. Whether it be cutting off the problem, or it be finding a way to keep in contact and have boundaries. No one should have to feel uncomfortable in their relationship, which is what I'm sticking to.

I agree with that statement, completely.

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Idc if you find some "inconsistency." Maybe if you took the time to try to help someone that you took to "correct everyone", you'd be less useless in this thread.

pointing out inconsistencies, problems, and flaws is important and helpful. if people cannot take criticism, they will never learn, grow, or improve. nobody is perfect. I don't expect people to be perfect. I don't correct people to be spiteful -- I do it for the sake of learning and growing. because ignoring a problem or a flaw, and just letting it stay there unchallenged, is to support stagnancy and mediocrity. nothing changes or improves if it is unchallenged. learn to take criticism and learn from it. it's not an attack. it's help.

[5th Dimension Morning]

GoldenEnlightenment

5th Dimension Morning

And it just so happens I did get my research from university databanks, I just don't see any point writing a term paper for someone who wanted advice on a website for TEENS.
You are the troll; a stubborn, arrogant berk, who's main purpose on this forum is to knit pick at every conclusion or suggestion given.
While I'd love to stay and point out your personal fallacies, you've yet to produce one iota of evidence towards the topic, your argument, or a counter argument. In fact, all you've done is made this about you. I hope this little bit of attention from a stranger helps you live your life, although my last suggestion would be to go outside once in a while and learn how to make friends.
There's no logic to your existence here.

btw, it really sounds like you need to get laid when you talk about all the "gender locking" bullshit, just a heads up for when someone points it out later

I'm going to have to ask you to cite your sources now, because that doesn't sound like an academically supported claim at all.

I'm not a troll for fostering reasoned debate.

by all means, point out my fallacies! that's what I welcome. that's the kind of discussion I want to have. one where we make points and counterpoints, mention eachothers errors, and strive for a logically deduced conclusion together! that is fulfilling.

I have not made this personal. you have been turning everythinga round on me, making personal attacks, and unjustified claims about me and my intentions. I have continued to discuss the issues. though at this point I can see you have cleverly trapped me in a discussion that is now more about me than about what we were previously discussing. more evidence that you are not at all stupid, but rather just a troll. I admit, a very skilled one.

I also have plenty of friends, and that is an Ad Hominem and a Red Herring.

also, the statement that my existence is not logical is a very poorly constructed Red Herring. though I would say that it would be up to debate whether anyone's existence is logical or not.

and the statement that I need to get laid is also a Red Herring. it is also a terrible and dismissive statement to make at all, as though the answer to every problem is sex (or at least that the answer to any sort of disagreeable position is to have sex). that is one of the most harmful ******** things to say. you have no place to decide how often or under what circumstances I have sex. you have no place to tell me why I should have sex. and you have no place to suggest that my feelings, opinions, or behaviors will change if I were just to have sex.

[GoldenEnlightenment]

5th Dimension Morning

GoldenEnlightenment

5th Dimension Morning

And it just so happens I did get my research from university databanks, I just don't see any point writing a term paper for someone who wanted advice on a website for TEENS.
You are the troll; a stubborn, arrogant berk, who's main purpose on this forum is to knit pick at every conclusion or suggestion given.
While I'd love to stay and point out your personal fallacies, you've yet to produce one iota of evidence towards the topic, your argument, or a counter argument. In fact, all you've done is made this about you. I hope this little bit of attention from a stranger helps you live your life, although my last suggestion would be to go outside once in a while and learn how to make friends.
There's no logic to your existence here.

btw, it really sounds like you need to get laid when you talk about all the "gender locking" bullshit, just a heads up for when someone points it out later

I'm going to have to ask you to cite your sources now, because that doesn't sound like an academically supported claim at all.

I'm not a troll for fostering reasoned debate.

by all means, point out my fallacies! that's what I welcome. that's the kind of discussion I want to have. one where we make points and counterpoints, mention eachothers errors, and strive for a logically deduced conclusion together! that is fulfilling.

I have not made this personal. you have been turning everythinga round on me, making personal attacks, and unjustified claims about me and my intentions. I have continued to discuss the issues. though at this point I can see you have cleverly trapped me in a discussion that is now more about me than about what we were previously discussing. more evidence that you are not at all stupid, but rather just a troll. I admit, a very skilled one.

I also have plenty of friends, and that is an Ad Hominem and a Red Herring.

also, the statement that my existence is not logical is a very poorly constructed Red Herring. though I would say that it would be up to debate whether anyone's existence is logical or not.

and the statement that I need to get laid is also a Red Herring. it is also a terrible and dismissive statement to make at all, as though the answer to every problem is sex (or at least that the answer to any sort of disagreeable position is to have sex). that is one of the most harmful ******** things to say. you have no place to decide how often or under what circumstances I have sex. you have no place to tell me why I should have sex. and you have no place to suggest that my feelings, opinions, or behaviors will change if I were just to have sex.

Ad Hominem much?

[xChibi Cannibalx]

I guess it depends on the job, but why is she calling/texting him at all? There used to be a girl at my boyfriends work who would constantly try to break us up. Since that point, weve agreed that work friends stay at work. Now, his coworkers only talk to him when they need to talk about work or they share stuff on facebook

[Mairieux]

It's natural to be jealous. Honestly, if you're not jealous you might as well not care. Jealousy occurs only because you're scared to lose the person you're with. If you don't want to lose him, or lose to her, then prove that you're the best suited for him !
If this bothers you a lot, you need to speak up. When i talk to my boyfriend about problems he always reassures me. We both know that as long as we're a couple anything can be fixed. I really think you should express your concerns further with him.
If you keep feeling uncomfortable, every little thing that he does with her will make you feel worse. So instead of holding it in to yourself, discuss it between each other. Things can always work out well.
If you truly think that it's your own problem and that you clearly trust your husband, then work to make yourself feel better than her. Or at least feel better about yourself.

[Usagi No Kimi]

Beezerific

So I've been married now for almost 9 months and my husband and I are extremely happy, thank God. Problem is that at his job there is a chick that he was crushing on for a while before he and I became an item and I know that he would never cheat on me but I can't help feeling like I want to punch that girl's face in whenever he mentions her or when she calls or texts him.
I just want to get over this feeling of pure jealousy and rage over this girl. Can anyone give me some advice?

I believe jealousy is perfectly healthy in a relationship, it proves your feelings for your partner are valid and that shows you care. Push this chick out of the picture, who did he marry? Who has he been happy with for many months? You. I think you should confront her if the situation gets unbearable, possibly block her number?

[Duke of Lalune]

5th Dimension Morning

Sladeus

I'm coming out of nowhere but if your husband respects you he would not involve unprofessional phone calls to his cell phone as a married man. This s**t is obvious. What you need to do is get all the facts and bring it to his face with a choice. I'm a guy. Shits obvious. Hope things work out for you.

that's bullshit. you saying that men can't have friends? or that men and women can't be friends without there being some kind of sexual tension? because you'd be wrong if you think that. and yet, that is what you are implying by this statement.

Considering the information given from her point of view, that is what I'm saying is going on. You're defending males or male right's or some s**t (lol), or a man you don't even know, that's your business. But don't invalidate my advice when I'm only coming from what I have experienced in the past. Sure, men and women can have that kind of friendship. Did you read the original post? In most cases why would a married man keep in touch with an old fling? Okay, why would a WOMAN keep in touch with an old fling? Ask anybody in here how they feel about that. To have coffee and talk about how fun work is? Are you stupid?

[tung ting shrimp]

I dunno. I wouldn't let my guard down, but I wouldn't act upon it unless I had reasonable suspicion. And the only action I'd really perform is leaving when it became too stressful, or giving up and not giving a s**t if he cheats.

Realistically it's your best option. You'd be kidding yourself if you told yourself they weren't thinking about it too.

Above post is church.

[Blackrose_Knight]

Sladeus

In most cases why would a married man keep in touch with an old fling? Okay, why would a WOMAN keep in touch with an old fling? Ask anybody in here how they feel about that. To have coffee and talk about how fun work is? Are you stupid?

Well ya know if they were my coworker who I work hand in hand with (did you read the OP's responses?) , its called being friendly, cordial, and caring about the basic humanity of someone I work with. ********, I am still friends with several of my old coworkers from jobs prior. I message them on facebook time to time.

Why would I, as a woman, keep in touch with an old flame? To see how they are doing and interact on a friendship level. Just because I am not dating them anymore doesn't mean I don't care about their basic humanity. I mean sheesh talk about ice b***h, "I am no longer dating you - I don't give a ******** about you." I am still in contact with most of ex's (aside from the one who went batshit Christian). Just because we didn't work out doesn't mean they are s**t people. I still care if they are happy, healthy, and living successful lives, and I enjoy talking with them.

Speaking of such, gonna go message an ex of mine to see if he has gotten an IT job yet.

[Blackrose_Knight]

Prince_PW

Beezerific

So I've been married now for almost 9 months and my husband and I are extremely happy, thank God. Problem is that at his job there is a chick that he was crushing on for a while before he and I became an item and I know that he would never cheat on me but I can't help feeling like I want to punch that girl's face in whenever he mentions her or when she calls or texts him.
I just want to get over this feeling of pure jealousy and rage over this girl. Can anyone give me some advice?

I believe jealousy is perfectly healthy in a relationship, it proves your feelings for your partner are valid and that shows you care. Push this chick out of the picture, who did he marry? Who has he been happy with for many months? You. I think you should confront her if the situation gets unbearable, possibly block her number?

Jesus ******** no. All jealousy proves is if you are terrified of the person you care for being taken away from you. That is all jealousy is. Jealousy is a secondary emotion to fear. Jealousy, text book def is "The fear, or perceived fear, of the loss of a love object."

Jealousy is NOT a measuring stick to love. There is no 1 to 1 ratio of x amount of jealousy yields y amount of love. Jealousy a measuring stick of FEAR. Sure it may be an indicator "hurdur I care about this person enough to fear them being taken away from me" but it is by no means a relevant, or healthy "measuring stick" of love. Not by a long shot. Fear shuts down a heart, love opens it. Jealousy, while a valid emotion to experience, should be work through. Its should NEVER be glorified, worshiped, or used as a means to go "look I love you this much because I am extremely butthurt you talk to people other than me!!!". Ya know what says to me? That says you are not an emotionally functioning adult and to run far the ******** away.

Isolating a partner from a coworker is a terrible, and frankly abusive tactic. These people, the husband and the person the OP had, yes past tense had, a beef with, work together on a regular basis. To say "I don't want you to talk to her." is 1) controlling, 2) controlling, 3) controlling, and 4) a neon flashing light that says "I am insecure and don't know how to handle my s**t so I am gonna disappear the problem!

You don't get to say to your partner "I don't like Becky, she's a b***h, don't talk to her." Healthy people don't control partners like that. A healthy couple goes more like "I really don't like Becky for x, y, and z. It makes me uncomfortable when you are around her. Can you help me own my s**t and figure out why she makes me so uncomfortable when you seem to have no problem with her?"