HOT 4 THATEACHER DRACO MALFOY - with less edward cullden

[Clintdadillac]

100/10

[Savior_ofunsafespirits]

...You NEED a beta reader... and spell-check... DEFINITELY. What I would rather tell you is that you should burn the whole story, but I'm not one to discourage other writers so what you need then is a serious story overhaul. I'm not trying to be mean, but your story is horribly unrealistic, written badly (sorry) with little to no proper spelling and grammar, and the characters are ridiculously OOC. Plus, Draco and Edward? Really? I'm sorry, really, I swear I am, but if you won't abandon this story (which is understandable) then you need to do some serious work on it. Trust me, you need a beta reader (you can find one easily if you're a member of fanfiction.net), and start using spellcheck.

[Bea Bishop]

Here is my opinion...

[Doctor Bullets]

Sues. Bad grammar.

*Runs out of the room and hurls*

[HotHistorian]

stare

...Well, I glad you get joy from this, but seriously, if you want an audience to like this either say a) "I'M TROLLIGN You guys!! LIke that Taras my immortal!" or b) "Im 9 and htis is my ffirst fanfic!1!"

Then, we'll all laugh at the fanfic and realize, "OH THAT'S A TROLL," or "OH THAT'S A KID'S WRITING." The audience will be grateful and you won't be bombarded with nasty comments.

However, if this is serious, and if you think this writing is good...well, then, just go on thinking that, but don't cry when someone says something along the lines, "WTF, are you serious? This is horrible."

I suggest you do one of the two above.

[Cognitohazard]

Miss? Please check out "How NOT to Write a Fanfiction," located in this forum.

Unless you're trolling.

[sophia vader]

OHMYGOD TARA GILESBIE HAS BEEN REINCARNATED
OH NOOOOOOOOOOO!

[Reiken no Tenshi]

dark vamp angle101

Bard Kayna Ashkevron

While I have to agree about the grammar and spelling, I'm glad you're enjoying writing your story!

Do you type this up in a word processor like Microsoft Word? If so, then it can spell-check your writing for you, and that should help fix some of the errors. If you're using Word and you see a little red line under a word, that means the word is misspelled. A green line means there's a grammar error.

Another thing I would suggest is reading the books. If you'd read them, you would know that Dumbledore would be dead at the time this story takes place.

Thanx but i think i have not got that on my computer, i use word pan.

Also i am not as mad as i was b4 cuz i relized that it dose not matter wut other ppl feels they have the rite to feel bad but personaly i wuold stop to read a story that i did not like!!!

soon i will pots my next capie and i hope sum ppl will like ie!!!

If you are actually BETTER than you used to be, what you used to come out with would surely make people's eyes bleed.

If it doesn't matter what other people feel, then why are you posting your story here for open criticism? How about you keep it to yourself and spare the world the brain cells?

[dark vamp angle101]

so i went to hagsmede with hemoine garanger to try to sort my fealings out.

She huged me tightley "it is okay wyntersn. it is naturaly to be attracted to vampyrs. they are like vellas they have magik that makes u think sin full thoughts around them."

'oh that makes me fell better, lets buy some dresses and a frapuchino."

"oh good idea that always makes me fell better too!" she giggled and calapped her hands together excietedly. 'lets go to abbercrobie and fitch!!!"

So we went inside and ti was awsum as always. many polo shirts and super kewl dresses and flowery micro minies and also bakinis. i bought like ten and then germione bought them for me becuz she was feeling bad cuz of my hard througbles with dracco and edweard.

"oh also have u seen draco latley?" hermoine said as we bought two venty frapunchinos in mocha coco nut flavor.

"Um ya i think yesterday at lunch or so but then he vanishedcuz he was over welmed by fealings about voldimore."

"Oh no i bet he was kidnaped!"

"OH YES that is horibel!" I screamed. "We must go and help him!"

so we ran away from hogsmede to the mgconigels office... only a grate wizard like her cold help us and dracko!!!

---

OK GUYS so I sined up to fanfiction so i can sine up fora bette reader but it says I gota wait for a few days before i can do stuff on there i dunno why so maybe next cuple chapters will have better spelling ok?

i still say it is not that bad my litel sisters could all read it jst fine.

[Corrupt-A-Wish Hollow]

[THERE IS NO ABERCROMBIE AND FITCH IN HAGSMEADE.
For that matter, there isn't actually a place called Hagsmeade, it's Hogsmeade.
I kindly request you please stop maiming a perfectly good story by making everyone OOC,
adding sparkly vampires, do more research into the actual book you based this fic on,
kill the sparkly vampires, get Google Chrome which has auto spellcheck on it, and get rid of the vampires.

Real vampires do not sparkle. And as for excessively replacing i with y... uhm.]

[Savior_ofunsafespirits]

Savior_ofunsafespirits

...You NEED a beta reader... and spell-check... DEFINITELY. What I would rather tell you is that you should burn the whole story, but I'm not one to discourage other writers so what you need then is a serious story overhaul. I'm not trying to be mean, but your story is horribly unrealistic, written badly (sorry) with little to no proper spelling and grammar, and the characters are ridiculously OOC. Plus, Draco and Edward? Really? I'm sorry, really, I swear I am, but if you won't abandon this story (which is understandable, even a good thing) then you need to do some serious work on it. Trust me, you need a beta reader (you can find one easily if you're a member of fanfiction.net), and start using spellcheck.

Okay, honestly, honey, I'm sorry, and it's great to hear that you love writing so much, but here's the thing: if you're writing this simply because it makes you happy, thats excellent, and I mean excellent. However, once you make the decision that you want to share it, you need to consider your readers. I really enjoy knowing that you like writing this story, but in that case you need to keep it to yourself or get it to the point where I can read a sentence without needing go back to read it again at least twice just to figure out what you meant to say. And, again, I'm really sorry and I swear I'm not trying to be mean, I just want to help spare you from more harsh criticism and (I'm really sorry for the wording of this next part) and spare others like me from having to read this. Just look into having someone be your spell-checker and beta reader, you could even ask someone here, and I swear I'm trying to help, not hurt.

[Jimmy_Ferret]

(Imagine this in a British accent) I find this rather amusing, and it’s good that you have not posted this in bright pink, from what I’ve managed to read.

I must say I can’t wait for the English translation.

Just kidding, anyway, get a word processor or a proof/beta reader, it’s a pain to read, I have enough trouble reading anyway with my dyslexia (I’m using a word processor, it does wonders, without it, I can’t read my own writing).
There are also several things that break the Harry Potter cannon. I’m picking up a lot of OCC, and some things just don’t make any sense.

You seem to be ignoring all rules of grammar and literacy, please use correct capitalization and punctuation, do not use the number ‘2’ for the words, to, too, or even two, the same goes for the number ‘4’ with for and four. Text speak is a no-no.FULL STOP. The proper use of words like “There” and “Their” should be taken into account. Your writing style is rather simplistic but somehow still prone to overly wordy and flowery (“purple”) prose.

I agree with Savior_ofunsafespirits, it’s great that you love writing, however, when you share it, you need to think about it, you need to use proper literacy, you need to edit, and you need to be able to take criticism.

[x--iHeart Cookiez]

Well honestly..I like the plot of the story and where it's going but I can't help but point out a few things. (I don't mean to sound harsh or mean, cause I really do like the story)
1. You should really work on your grammar and spelling. I read that you're getting a beta on fanfiction so that's good and doesn't require me to say it. I would also want to point out that you shouldn't write this using t3xt t@!k.
2. You should really re-read the series. For one, Dumbledore is dead (though I saw you noticed this too.) Second, there are no Muggle shops in Hogsmeade, like Abercrombie and Fitch or whatever you said. And third, boys aren't allowed in the girl's dormitories, meaning Draco wouldn't have been able to get in, even if he was a teacher.
3. Edward Cullen could never be in this. Never. Just no.
4. You should learn how to spell the characters names. Hermione Granger, Draco Malfoy, Lucius Malfoy, Harry Potter, McGonagall (though I can understand that one).
If you needed more information on the Harry Potter world, you could go to The Harry Potter Wiki
If you did need someone to Beta your work, I'd be more than happy to while you wait for one on FF. I saw two others point this out too, but if you really do like your writing and plan on sharing it with others, you should really consider what they're gonna see and get someone other than your younger sister to read it. (Like actually READ it, not you read to them.)

[Eternal Nothing]

Das Ecks Makinuh

God-awful
Simply god-awful.
Want me to elaborate? Fine.
First of all, your grammar is horrendous. It makes me want to mix bleach, magma, and hydrochloric acid together in a gigantic bowl and stick my head straight into the hellish mixture. Even if your writing wasn't equivalent to the huge, runny dump that I take every time I eat Taco Bell

This. ^