Dirty Little Secrets

[Nephaele]

So would you like me to contact authorities for cyber bullying and harassment?
I have plenty of screenshots for evidence.
Cute way to try to seem like you are important.
Enough is enough.
Either leave me and him alone, or I will be pressing this further.
Including contacting your pageant officials as your actions are unbecoming of a Queen.

[BellaNephilim]

I have been trying to sum up this year, and while there are so many things I have to be proud of; I know that I haven't always been at my best. Self-reflection isn't always easy but when the year closes and I look back I know that there are days where my actions and my words where not thoughtful or kind or understanding.

It's easy to feel anger, frustration, fear, madness, and sadness without stopping to understand where it comes from, or why it may or may not be important.

It's not about perfect, it never was, it's about growth, change, expansion of life.
I never wanted my joy to be someone else's misery.

This new year can be something great, it has all the potential of new excitement and happiness.

Cheers to the journey, here's to a wonderful destination.

♡♡♡♡

[Cult of Senpai]

I'm so goddamned tired of living. What's the goddamned point?


Friends? Who the ******** even *wants* to be my friend? Who the ******** even wants to humor me? Or even pretend to listen, let alone actually do it. It's all in one ear and out the other. Nobody cares. Nobody will care. I should just stop being such a ******** coward and actually kill myself.

[Nephaele]

I hate January.
One of my biggest fears came true yesterday morning.
My soulmate with paws, my best friend in fur form, my oldest cat, Maestro, passed away.
I’ve been somewhere in between crying, numbness, and pleading that it’s a dream.
My tears have stained my pillows, my face.
My heart is beyond heavy.
I want him to come back, not sure how to survive without him.
January takes so much from me.

I’ll be getting a tattoo to honor him, one I drew with his own paws.
A bracelet and a photobook.
Anything to hold on to that little bit of him.
This is not going to be easy.

[Sheepyxchan]

Going to write here instead.
For the first time in a while.
I have so many thoughts and emotions.
But the most prevalent of all is the relentless feeling of pain, hurt, betrayal, disgust and disappointment.

I begged for communication.
Even now, I'm left in the dark about so much.
I gaslit myself so badly last year, thinking that it was just my depression and anxiety when truly, I was right all along.

You were the love of my life.
I was prepared to spend the rest of my life with you.
Everything I did, I did for us.
When I made plans, it was with us in mind.
If I wanted to change jobs, it was to further our goals and our future.
My needs were not met for so long, but I was willing to try, I was willing to fight for us.

My dreams are plagued with nightmares.
Every day, the wounds are dug into.
Knowing that you replaced me with the very person that I felt wary about. The same person that slighted me. The person who was "just a friend".
That over 4 years could be just. . .thrown away.
I sobbed as I told you I had a severe fear of being abandoned, that I wouldn't heal fast enough.
But you told me that would never happen.
That you loved me. That things were secure in our relationship.

My heart aches. I've been far too gracious. But that's how I am. My kindness will be my greatest double-edged sword. I keep taking on things that aren't my responsibility because I still care and love you, isn't that foolish? Everything ******** hurts. I lost my partner, my bestfriend, my future.

There are so many things I want to say, but I won't. You wouldn't care anyway.
You've irrevocably broken my heart and I don't even think you're sorry.

[BellaNephilim]

What a wild ride. ♡


For a while there, it was rough
But lately, I've been doin' better
Than the last four cold Decembers, I recall
And I see my family every month
I found a girl my parents love
She'll come and stay the night
And I think I might have it all
And I thank God every day
For the girl he sent my way
But I know the things he gives me
He can take away
And I hold you every night
That's a feeling I wanna get used to
But there's no man as terrified
As the man who stands to lose you
Oh, I hope I don't lose you
Mmm
Please stay
I want you, I need you, oh God
Don't take
These beautiful things that I've got
Please stay
I want you, I need you, oh God
Don't take
These beautiful things that I've got
Oh-oh-oh-oh, ooh
Please don't take
I found my mind, I'm feelin' sane
It's been a while, but I'm finding my faith
If everything's good and it's great
Why do I sit and wait 'til it's gone?
Oh, I'll tell ya, I know I've got enough
I've got peace and I've got love
But I'm up at night thinkin'
I just might lose it all
Please stay
I want you, I need you, oh God
Don't take
These beautiful things that I've got
Oh-oh-oh-oh, ooh
Please stay
I want you, I need you, oh God
I need
These beautiful things that I've got

[Sheepyxchan]

I've had increasing numbness over the past few weeks
doctor did bloodwork but I haven't heard back
I thought that maybe it was the meds
but still, it persists
I'm scared but I don't have anyone to talk to about it.

so here I'll just cry to the void, I guess.

[Sheepyxchan]

Lonely.
I just keep crying myself to sleep

[Nephaele]

It’s been almost two months since he passed.
It’s been so hard trying to find a balance.
I still look for him.
I still hear him.

The guys have been a great help and are really understanding.
I’ve been doing my hardest to get pass it.
The tattoo came out beautifully.
I’m so happy for it

[Sheepyxchan]

I'm feeling so very blessed right now, it's unreal!
I got confirmation this morning aahhhh
So many things are falling into my favor
I put so much work into this and it's paying off

Thank you, Universe!

I seriously just want to scream from the rooftops
Aaaaahhhhh
This is so incredible 🥰🙌🏾

[Sheepyxchan]

What. Is. HAPPENING.
HDVEIFKDVEF

JESUS
🫣
------
I don't even know how to act or respond to this
I'm screaminggggg

[BellaNephilim]

I have always felt lucky, felt like the world is at my fingertips, and now more than ever, life just keeps getting better. ♡

I am over the moon, beyond the stars and life continues to surprise ♡

[Nephaele]

Things are better.
I’m learning to live without him.
I miss his little meows and weight asleep on me.
I know he isn’t hurting anymore but I still miss him.

I tried to be the bigger person and reach out to my father.
That blew up in my face.
He wanted to just brush everything under the rug, with no conversation on what happened.
I tried, for myself, for my kids.
He hadn’t changed.
I didn’t get my hopes up and it still hurts.
I just wanted a dad, a grandpa for my kids but no.

We have been making plans for the year.
Moody Gardens this weekend.
Which honestly I’m just as excited as the kids because it’s been YEARS since I’ve gone.
Planning for a symphony.
I haven’t been to one since I was a young one as well.

Support really goes a lot way and it has helped dealing with the shitty times.
I know it’s not really bad but I guess it was just all compounded on me.
I’m glad I have the people around me to help me.
The love I receive from my partners helps, the strength I get from my kids push me, and the mentoring my mom gives me guides me.
I am thankful for what I have and what I am given.
I wish I could truly show them what they’ve done for me.

[Dodomiki]

I miss you! Hope you're doing great.