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all week i hide behind a mask of smiles, its easy to do at school, just concentrate on friends and the stupid things we say and do to entertain ourselves throughout the day. but at home its harder to distract myself from the truth, that every breath i take feels like i'm breathing in needles, that every thing i eat, i am forcing myself to swallow. that every time i thing, my mine shoots back to you. i get so tired repressing my urge to scream at the top of my lungs, scream out every drop of pain i am feeling. my mother wonders why i sleep all the time now, i dare not tell her it is because i am only at peace in my dreams, where i can be with him, or those i am safe and happy with, where i don't have to repress my feelings, but where i can honestly forget all my pain, where with one look, hug, smile, breath, all my pain can melt away. it is a cruel thing that those who can make me this way, are those which i can not see but ever so often. it makes me wonder that if there is a god, dose he laugh at my pain? is this why all i love die? i want so much to be with those that have this power over me and my emotions, but i fear being near them, for i fear losing them as well, i hate that every time i say goodbye in the back of my mind i ask myself if by being with them, did i just kill them, will that be the last time i see them? i hate it, but it happens. it hurts to breath, to think, to eat, to smile, oh to smile is the most pain full thing i do. but its better then to hurt all those around me. i won't do that, i can't do that. that is why i am still here, that is why i did not follow him. oh how i wanted to, to follow him, to say to him all i didn't. but i will wait. yes at times i still wish for the angel of death to take me as he has took the others, but i know he will not, for some reason i have survived, so i guess i'm going to be here for a little while. the pain, they say will dull, but i say that they only say this because if you feel pain for so long, you become numb to it. the pain never leaves, you just numb yourself. i have been numb for so long, i am numb to numbness. no drug, can numb me, and no pain can either. i am to feel all my pain until the day i die. which i guess will make death that more sweet. i am going now to go to sleep, to escape to a world all my own, for a few hours of peace. good night. blessed be.
~*CARRIE*~