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May 14th, 2018

So, the night of the 12th I had a nightmare. I was in the backseat of a car rushing to the hospital because my crush (can I give him a placeholder name here? Let's call him Mike) because Mike was dying. He was sick, he couldn't breathe, he was convulsing and while I don't remember many details so far removed from it I remember very distinctly how I felt. I was in the midst of a full blown panic attack. I was crying and scared, I remember shaking, trembling like a leaf in a hurricane (and no, this is not an exaggeration). I was also completely stuck in my mind, everything else was shut away. I just kept going over how I was going to lose him, how I couldn't bear the thought and yelling internally at myself to feeling that way, how I was never going to get to tell him how much I care and how all I wanted was to hold him and tell him it would be okay, I didn't even notice until he tried to kiss me that another of my boyfriend and my mutual friends had put me in his lap. I don't recall if I said anything to him but I do remember pulling away, burying my face in his chest and crying like I haven't cried since I was 10 and ended up in a safe house. It felt like my whole world was falling apart. I swear dying would have been less painful.

When I woke up I felt exhausted, like I hadn't slept at all and I guess I may as well not have. But when I woke up the first thing I did was check Skype to see if I had any messages from him and I didn't. Of course I didn't. That's nothing new, I don't know why I expected differently but I did and I was scared for a fraction of a moment before I remembered it was just a dream.

I honestly have no idea what to do. I want so badly to just talk to him but he's in the middle of studying for the Bar!! The last thing I want to do is pull him away from that or distract him, it's too important. But I'm going absolutely insane. I can't focus, I can't sleep, my anxiety is through the roof, I don't know if I can get to the 25th of July without slipping. But I have to. This will also give me the time I need to break things off my with boyfriend. I've been unhappy for a year and we've been trying but it's just not... it's not anymore.

And I'm a bad person.