Dec 12th, 2018
Alright, it's been a couple months and the physical ache has since pretty much gone. I still want him, I still dream of him, but knowing that right now I can't have him doesn't cause me the same kind of intense physical pain. I still don't want to let go though, I'm not ready yet.
We're still on great terms, almost the way it was before I told him but of course it'll never be that way again. Sometimes I wonder if he feels the way I do, lying awake at night thinking about him and wondering what we could have if not for the shadow of my ex looming over us but I have to try very hard not to dwell on it. Otherwise it'll consume me and I can't let that happen again.
I'm still holding on to the hope that we might try one day, that some day he'll message me telling me that he wants me, that he wants to try. I know I shouldn't wait for him, I should try and move on with my life, but I can't and not only that but I don't want to.
I'm happy for him though, and I'm so proud. He's doing the very thing he went to school for, he's working in a law firm and, even if it's not what he wants to do forever, it's experience that'll open doors for his future. He's working so hard and doing so well and I love getting to celebrate his victories with him, even if not in the role I wish I could.