September 7th, 2017
Over the past few years, I've been on an incredible journey. I found and lost myself, have been made prisoner of my own depression and anxiety but am still fighting, found love, graduated university, and somehow lost the passion I had when I was young. Now I find myself living in my grandmothers home to care for her pets as she is in the hospital (has been for a month and there is no sign she will be home soon) with people around me needing someone to lean on and I am unable to provide what they need.
Over the years I've found that, while I want to be there for people, I've used it as a way of ignoring my own problems. My depression comes from unresolved issues I've had since I was a child (not even in double digits) and my anxiety stems from that and a cacophony of my own worst fears. I am barely managing these things and functioning like a human being. Couple this with my job which is taking verbal abuse from people asking for help over the phone for 8 (supposed to be 9) hours a day and you may understand when I tell you that I have a hard time being around people now. Even just talking to people takes so much energy from me.
I'm actually finding that the more I interact with the human species, the more depressed, anxious, and exhausted I get.
This doesn't mean I don't get lonely though. I often find myself alone thinking about other things I could be doing, places I could be with my friends and family but I can't seem to bring myself to do them. This lack of motivation - I'll even go so far as to say lack of ambition - is the very reason I can't be there for the people in my life who need someone to lean on. I feel like I'm a breeze away from toppling over. Does this make me selfish? No. I know it doesn't. Does it hurt me when I see people calling me out on social media for not putting them first? Yes. Especially when I've tried to tell them about what is going on in my life. But I have to remind myself that I'm only responsible for what I say, do, and how I react. I can't control other people and I can't let them control me.
That being said...
The rest of this year is going to be the jumping off point for the rest of my life. I'm putting these promises to myself to paper (metaphorically speaking) to make it official.
- I will run at minimum 3 times a week.
- I will drink water over other beverages (juice in the morning will still be a thing though).
- I will take the time to go outside.
- I will put my mental health first and find a way to not only manage my mental illnesses but live and thrive in spite of them.
- I will sever ties with toxic people and end toxic relationships.
- I will cleanse my social media of all things that make me angry (facebook in particular)
- Finally, I will not allow people to manipulate me. I will not let them control what I say and do, or how I feel. I am my own person and I will live my life for me.
Girl_in_love61636 Community Member 
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