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Well, s**t. You're really here, aren't you? In the big wide mostly made up world where somehow everything starts out as "in a forest" somewhere. You know what I'm talking about [Strange marks are inserted here, you feel as if somehow the author was trying to imply she was winking.]

Well that bullshit forest or magical non-copyright infringing wizard high school is your new bed, and your dreams are cash, baby. Sweet ******** cash. Well if you want to get that sweet-a** paper you have to work for it, and that means going outside of your comfort bubble. Bubbles are shitty shields. You want a skin-tight ethereal mithril pair of comfort stockings.

HAIL SATAN

That make you uncomfortable? Let's hope not because Lucifer's playground of ugly a** nightmares is ******** BANK. Flayed blood-stallions that speak only through the screams of a trillion souls crying out for penance? Dark wizards eat that s**t up. You know who wants to buy a lovingly tamed saintly lizard who says little prayers before and after every mounting? ******** no one. So prepare to walk a morally grey road. You're a beast MASTER, and therefor need to master the very art of discreet sin. Hades doesn't pass out his burning pegasi to girl scouts, god damn it.

Maybe you're a little frightened of the dark? First of all, wow, racist. Second of all, you better enchant your little piss-soaked trousers with pure light radiation. You're going places! ******** WEIRD places! Saying "no" to a customer is the worst mistake you can make. You may as well have gone back to their conception night and punched their mother's uterus and charged her for the deep tissue massage. It's ******** up, man.

Just like the nomads of the old times you, too, will be using every part of the body, making sure nothing goes to waste. And I DO mean your body. Maybe a little crying to soften a battle-ready beast's heart (or squeezing the last hay-penny from a particularly influential client (all potential clients please disregard the previous line)). Maybe a little pheromone spray here or there. Artificial or home-squeezed, a strong scent during the right season could lead to an unsuspecting beast ready to let his guard down for some sweet, sweet breeding. Oh and he's breeding his children straight into your wallet... ******** yes.

I'm being metaphorical here, do NOT let a wild creature attempt to consummate your personal belongings. You don't want to know how long it takes to wash out a slime's... little slimeys.

Now I know what you're asking your book out loud in front of everyone (they're judging):

What's the best tool an expert tamer needs?

A solid lawyer. You'd be surprised how many creatures all of a sudden think they can protest being "kidnapped" because that have some small (and unrecognized, in most countries!) "sentience." Oooh! Big deal, so you know how to speak, how about walking upright? Pfff. Dumb-a** unicorns.

Other than that? You know, the typical BDSM store will have nearly everything you need! Whips, ropes, chains, bulk supplies of tranquilizers, gems of illusion. It's basically the same thing, if you think about it. Except instead of your reward being an intense orgasm, you get money! And just like with sex, you're almost always disappointed at the end!



DON'T GET TOO ATTACHED:

This goes without saying that you're a business man or woman and you're making profits, not friends! Or lovers, heaven help us. Remember when I made the metaphor about animals doin'-it with your wallet? It's much WORSE when it's YOU that's on the end of that particular stick. Don't be fooled by their charms or smooth-talking, they're BUSINESS tools! A good chef doesn't sneak his pots and pans from the kitchen to give them his own "secret sauce" at home. The same applies to you! I don't CARE if half of them has a human-like anatomy and you're jonesin' for a night in the stable... centaurs aren't even PEOPLE.

So remember this handy phrase to keep YOUR business heart-break free!

IF IT WALKS ON ALL FOURS, ITS GOOD AS YOURS
IF IT STANDS ON TWO LEGS, CHECK COUNTY LAWS INSTEAD!

I haven't come up with a nifty rhyme for flippers yet, but if I do, you can expect it in future chapters! HURRAY!







Eat at Barashni's!