Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

It meant ABSOLUTELY nothing!

This past weekend has been one of the worst in my life. I completely lost it and got so angry. I don't know the kind of person I turned into. All I knew was that I didn't want to be home anymore after what happened. I got so upset I texted my ex boyfriend and told him to come and pick me up so I could spend the night over his house. I thought about it for a little and was hoping I wasn't going to regret it...and I do. When I got in the car, he wanted to make sure that I was okay but landed some deep news on me telling me that he was seeing someone else. I felt like a part of me just died but I had to stay strong and act like I didn't care. So when we got to his house in his room. He brought up the subject of his breaking up and how much he still loved me but to be honest I didn't give a damn. After he told me was seeing someone else I could care less about how he felt about me. How the hell are you even in a new relationship when you're still in love with me? I'm not sure how long that relationship is going to last but I just want him to be happy at the end of the day so I have to move on. He left some money for me to get a cab in the morning because he was going to hang out with his friends but I could tell a part of him wanted to spend some more time with me. As I laid down to fall asleep I knew he wasn't going to come back. I knew that as much as he wanted to sleep in the same bed as me, he cant because he is with someone. I asked him if it was ok to sleep in his bed and he said it was cool. He basically gave up his bed last night for me while he slept elsewhere (I don't know where) but I thought that was really sweet. I could barely sleep last night but I managed to fall into some kind of sleep for about two hours at a time until I got up around 7:45am and I figured I should just leave because I didn't feel welcome and awkward. I texted him and told him I was leaving and thanks for everything. After I came home, everyone was gone and I was glad. I fell asleep finally for hours and when I woke up my stomach and head felt horrible. He get a text from him later today asking me when I'm going back to school and I said tomorrow. To my surprise he said he wanted to see me before I left. I wanted to say not thanks but I thought about it and said what could be the harm. This could be the last time I see him and say what I have to say. So we talked for a little while and I still didn't want to hear about his new relationship so didn't ask anything about her. The topic was based off us breaking up and how he wished things could have tuned out. I have a hard time telling people exactly how I feel but I told the most of how I felt which was I am okay with the fact that he is with someone else because at the end of the day, I want him to be happy. I also said I still want to be with you very much but I know that I cant because that would not be a healthy choice for myself. I don't have time to deal with all that bull again but I'll always love you and be here. We said good-bye and gave a kiss on the cheek and I didn't want to feel anything from it but I did. I know it meant a lot but it meant nothing at the same time. Weird huh? When I got inside my house all I could do was cry even more because I need to let go of someone that I love but I have to set free. The best thing I have on my side other than family and friends is time. I hope it goes by fast too. I need my life and mind back......