------I haven't been sleeping right as of late because I keep getting this reoccurring nightmare. I know I created guardians in my head, to protect me from these nightmares, so that we could face the fears and destroy them. But this nightmare doesn't spawn from fear. It comes from a different source, It comes from shame instead. I know the nightmare doesn't sound scary when I explain it, but its something I'm ashamed of, and I guess I've running away from it.
------The dream is I'm on stage with a band, specifically my old band. Somehow we got back together, and we play our old songs and covers on stage. I guess the fear is that stage fright, that fear we'll mess up again, like our last show. I guess that's also we're the shame is. Our last show was sabotaged actually. I got so mad, and I was so ashamed that I went home. I didn't even stay to see the other bands that we opened for. We opened for big bands too in the local scene.
------The saboteur was our lead guitarist who we kicked out, but some how on that last show, he requested to play with us, for the last time. We we're like alright. Then he detuned most of our guitars when we were looking away. Then he instigated on stage that we sucked and stuff. I was so angry at that, we did suck that day, but it wasn't our fault. So I stole one of his guitars and gave it for free to one of my students. Ever since I have this irrational fear of getting on stage and preforming, thinking I'll mess up and sh*t. I'm also ashamed of stealing. And I guess rage and revenge had got me thinking, that I did the right thing. But the darkness it taints still resides in my heart as shame. I'd be devastated if someone stole mine.
------So I've been having these reoccurring dreams. It starts out we're getting on stage. We're preparing to play, but we never play. We just stand there, preparing. The crowd gets bored and boo. Then I wake up, or I leave that place taking my equipment with me, Ani comes in with her car and drives us away to the distance. But it reoccurs cause hes there, I know I have to face him, in my dreams, and in real life too. I have to apologize, and try not to justify my actions. Because I was wrong.
------I guess I'll end it here... I don't know what to say anymore.
Thanks for reading, this is Anikacy! Signing out.
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