Some times my mind likes to tell me that I am to blame for things that are in no way my fault, but things which are my fault it pretends are the fault of others.
example: Just by coincidence not to long ago I was thinking how annoying it is that the jewelry department manager keeps switching, if it was a department manager in one of the areas that I work more I would feel a lot better about trying to take the position, top of my list would be infants department, but I don't think judy plans to retire from it anytime soon, I guess something would just have to happen to her so she would not be able to work, but oh no I don't want anything to happen to her, she is my favorite person to work with, I should not think badly of others because then I feel if something bad were to happen I would feel twice as worse. Well guess what? this week she is now in the hospital, apparently she stabilized two days ago but she is still in the hospital, why do I feel bad like it is a personal issue? This and about six or seven other occurrences of something similar ranging from broken bones to getting ran into by a car to death, I guess I am just silly sometimes.
I guess it is quite normal to think over your feelings and thoughts on a specific person as something bad happens to them, so if you ever had any anger or upsetness toward them it would come out at that time, it is not a specific person's feelings that can cause anything to happen, it can barely be called a coincidence for how common it is to find something you had not liked about a person when you are thinking about them that one negative thought has no impact on their's or anyone's life. Which is why my mind is just silly.
example 2: when I blame others: I guess that would be for the rest of my life :/ there are too many instances to list them all one thing I like to blame on others is my depression and anxiety I had gone to see a doctor for them but my parents did not have enough to continue helping me pay for them then in turn I like to blame my anxiety for my inability to work and I blame those who cause my anxiety but when I speak with them I exclaim it as laziness it is just anxiety and I don't seem to be able to tackle it on my own a friend of mine said he would help me with my problems but he always went about it the wrong way ex: I need a better job where I make more money, he tried to help me apply for a bunch of random department store jobs in the area in which I might make a few cents more, when I really needed help with my resume and a pep talk on how to present my portfolio. I guess if I would just stop wasting so much time and energy on other things I would have more time to focus on bettering my life rather than just sitting in the one I am in. but here is the kicker I don't hate my life the way it is, I just feel anxiety from others as I am embarrassed by my current position and it is expected that I should be at a better one by now, and this does nothing for me except make me anxious and impatient with myself and unhappy causing depression so I feel there is no life for me
Fay Da Way · Sat Apr 09, 2011 @ 05:13pm · 1 Comments |