you know that pain you get in your legs when you dont ride bike for a long time, then you ride for a little over 20 miles straight?
that is kinda how it feels a stretching aching realizing how terrible i am being wondering why i don't stop then draining it all away in the belief that i am empty inside and i just like the pain because i will take any feeling i can get
i do it out of fear fear of missing out fear of living in poverty fear of being alone
i know he is here he knows i am here but neither of us can talk to each other we wont be near each other he is pretending to sleep, though i think he may have woken up and left i am up playing video games with friends
the only light in the house that is on is the attic so i can see my builds for league of legends i keep hearing a ringing noise like an alarm clock, but i can not tell if it is inside or outside the house it is probably to remind him to get out of bed and do some work, it is only 8 the kitchen is clean, and this time i did not have to clean it i don't think he will come up here i want him to and yet don't want him to infected shadows we maneuver around the house only when the other is stationary don't want to risk interaction it would be so cold and painful this sickening lump in my stomach would become a full blown shake i will cry he will ignore me he will get his work done i will continue to play thinking of him just one floor below is making my tummy hurt i was hungry but my stomach hurts too much to eat anxious nervous guilty
he says it is my life and i can live it like i like but then he feels so cold when i return after having a fun time it is like going from a hot tub to laying in icy snow and you want to go in the hot tub again but you know it is only going to make the snow more icy you want to melt the snow but you say you want to do it then never make action towards doing so which only makes the snow colder
Fay Da Way · Thu Sep 30, 2010 @ 02:22am · 1 Comments |