(this is an over dramatization of my simple and way to easy life, i bring the pain to myself and blow things out of proportion, btw if there is any confusion on who i am talking about it is ty and joe)
one says "you can flirt with anyone but him" the other says "you can be with anyone but him"
yet i failed both of them when i was told that my love was wanting to see other people i felt broken i was too hurt and confused to attempt to do what i was supposed to i miss understood him and it caused me to feel like my heart, mind, and reason for existence was all broken silly of me to depend on another person as my reason for living
my first instinct was to hold on to someone who could make the pain go away some one who makes me laugh and makes the world disappear when i am with this person i dont feel the cold breath of death but like a cool breeze on a hot summer day when everything was broken i wanted to be with this person i wanted them to help me rebuild
the great thing was that when i went to him for release of pain he decided that he needed to test and torture me trying to determine if i was just on rebound or if i really wanted him
i felt i need him so i did everything i could to get him to be with me once again
the next time i hung out with my ex-love the situation was explained to me again he did not want to break up, just see other people and continue to be together so i told him who i was seeing he informed me that the relationship was over i could have dated anybody but this specific person he told me I knew that
probably because last time this situation arose i fell completely and passionately in love with my new boyfriend i felt a fullness in my heart that had been slowly deteriorating
so now i look at the situation i am in my new boyfriend with me my mind still breaking i feel need for my ex at the worst of times i miss the comfort that is brought with the thought of being with him when i think of things that make me warm inside his image always comes up of course followed by sheer pain crawling from my heart, up my spine, and pitting itself in the base of my skull this was the last time he would have his heart broken, three times is enough
oddly enough i blame my sister for my earlier difficulties, but when it boils down it is all my responsibility my fault
though it hurts i still love my boyfriend and i would rather be with him any day than ever without why does everything need to hurt?
i feel i need my boyfriend i need the emotional and physical support to make it through i don't think i could have stood much longer with out him
one of my favorite things to hear from my ex is how i wasted two years of his life it is even better to hear about the few weeks at the end of our relationship when he was extremely affectionate he considers that wasted too because apparently any time or affectionate spent on me was a terrible thing for him to use up because he just doesn't have enough to go around
this all makes it even funnier when my flirtatious nature pisses off my boyfriend and makes him want to leave me funnier yet is when my depression and anxiety piss of my boyfriend and make him tell me that he is going to leave me because this is too hard on him
well doomed to be alone i guess, may as well accept the consequences of what i have done
i don't really care for this person i have become i feel pain so much i have started to take comfort in it being there
my ex vrs. my new it is like a hatred between nemeses but the one they really hate is me
i guess i cant call the person my ex-love considering i still have strong feelings for them, i just keep stupidly pushing them away and wondering if they will just disappear, enjoying the feeling and hoping it wont
Fay Da Way · Sun Jul 04, 2010 @ 10:59am · 0 Comments |