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Of course, not all guys are like this, just the one I seem to like. I am the only one that writes to him while he's in Basic Military Training, and I travel all the way to Texas to see him. And what do I get? Two letters before the trip, and pretty much the cold shoulder. He says no more than a dozen words a day, which totaled to about 50 words over four days. And now that he's in tech school, nada. I understand that he's probably busy with classes and stuff but if he's got time to go see movies and to sign on to Facebook to add friends or comment on others statuses, why can't he take two seconds to send me a message.

Why have I allowed myself to become hooked on this man? There are times, like now, when I can't give a straight answer. But when I think of him, especially of all of the good times we've had, I am reminded why I stick with it.

But it should be more than little things that remind me why I long for this man. And it is. I think of him every day and the littlest thing will remind me of him. If I see a pair of bright blue eyes, I see him looking back at me. Lately it's been the military men that come to my place of employment. There's, of course, the physical reminders in my room. Picutres of the two of us, the two letters, a picture of him in his uniform. I also have other reminders, things I keep secret, not because I'm ashamed of them, but because I do not need people telling me to give them back, not when I believe things are slowly ending between us.

If he wants to be just friends, then that's fine, but I need to know this. He's given hope, and then does the exact opposite. I haven't spoken to him in almost two weeks, and I've gone longer without talking to him even when he was in town, and I think I am the only one suffering. New friends, almost like a new family, and many new things to experience. I do not wish to consume his life, but to be more a part of it. If that makes me selfish, then so be it. I do not wish for our friendship to wither like flower left to the winter winds, but I wish for it to blossom even more, into something so precious, that nothing could tear it apart. Wouldn't that be nice?

Is it weird that his parents, namely his mom, has given me advice for dealing with him? More specifically, love advice. Even though he never told me, his mother swore that he was happy that I'd gone to his BMT graduation. But that didn't seem so to me. And one of his flightmates gave him an odd look when he introduced me as just a friend. Of course, not many friends, unless they are of the same sex as the person graduating, will pay the money to travel and see said friend graduate. But then again, I wish so much to be so much more. His mom told me that his step-dad had kind of painted me up to him, making me a more appealing "mate", though I'm not appealing at all. When I voiced concern over him being pressured to date me, she assured me that this was not true, that he just talked a lot with his step-dad and they got close and that things between me and D (as I'll call him since all of these "he"s and "him"s are getting confusing) unless we both want them to. Though it appears that I wish for it to go one way and he, another. She says D needs someone else to be the firm hand in the relationship, as it were, something she'd told me earlier last year or the year before, while I waited at his house because D forgot we were supposed to hang out and had overslept at a friend's house.

Have I mentioned that I've stayed with him before? Just to sleep, no sex involved people, though there was some touching on his part. It was always well after we'd gone to bed, I doubt he even realized what he was doing. I'm sure he was dreaming that I was some girl he'd known at one point, some girl he has feelings for, some girl he's undeniably attracted to. It wasn't anything sexual, more exploring. Never the boobs, but his hands did wander to my butt. My step-dad likes to say it's all about the butt nowadays, but I disagree. Though I have to say I didn't mind him touching me, because, for the few minutes before I fell asleep again, I left like I was wanted, even if it was just for my body. I do not wish to have sex with him at this time. Again, I'm proud of maintaining my virginity for so long, but to become that intimate with someone would require us to be at a level I have yet to experience with anyone. What's an unwanted girl to do?

Wow, this entry is undeniably WAY more persoanl then ever before. I haven't told this to anyone ever before and I hope those that read this do not tell others because, knowing my luck, it'll end up in the ears of the last people I want to know about my life right now. Life sucks, then we die. I will end this rant here for the night and hope that things change for the better soon.