wow i sleept almost all day it is 5pm and i finally woke up i stayd up till about 2am last night playing videogames with joe he got up at 9 am and went to work but i just slept am i just that lazy
or is it i dont like being awake becaues everything is to draining wait i think that is laziness defined
weelll it just sucks becasue i did not quite clear my situation with ty and now for some reason when ever i think about joe i have a shaking fear that he is going to leave me lieke this hole house buying plot is just because he know s how arfraid of comitment i am so ihe is doing it more to scare me away does ehe hate me
this morning we were laying in bed together having hardly sleeped his alrarm clock had gone off so i tried to keep myself wawake so i could dkiss hime goodbye but he plut it om snooze so i tried to just snuggle up to him instead but he pusshed me away he has pushed djme away over a hndfred times when i try to snuggle and it still hurts
which is funny becuse i recently pushed ty away when i was over tired and half inm dream i pushed and scratdched and hit at him needles to say he wasa feeling rejected i realized that i did this and i said i was sory but joe never says he is sory hhe did it almoswt eveyr night i dont know if he realizzes he is doing it or what
i believe hi have brough t this up with joe before he used to always say that the reason why he cant snuglle is because he rolea saround to muchd at nnight wehl ******** him i want to tsnuggle
maybe that is why i have such problem getting rid of tyrel, joe makes me feel hurt and alone and tyrell makes it all better except for when i think about being with tyrell i get nervouse and upset because i am not sueposed to be with him i am suposed to be with joe
i dont want my relationship with tyrell to mess up ;my relationship with tyrell i would never be happy with tyrell something about the guy just discoureges me i think it might be becaue he doesnt have a job
maybe i am just with joe out of fear or maybe not idk im just being overly dramatic
tyrell figured it out like a month ago when he found one of my notes that i make fun of emos but i am actually emo that is probably why i complain so much
if you like to se the note, it is one of my earlier journal entries otherwise this is the one i had in my postit note on my computer
I hate myself i pitty myself i love that feeling i get from self pitty I don't hate anyone else i am selfcentered and self focused i only feel the need to hate others when i see a trait that i feel is wrong with myself which they share with me or when i see something that i am unreasonably intolerant of i have no good reason to hate so i usually try to not hate others and to save all the bottled up hate and agression for myself
isnt that fun? im just over dramatizing everything i know i would rather be with joe, but i kepe questioning it for no good reason no matter how many times i think through it and write it down i still dont get anywaher eh what ever time to go do something with the small amount left in the day
the worst thing at the moment is anticipation
it is past 5 and joe has not come home yet he usually gets hom a little aftter 4 is he avoiding beign around me i plan to not be here when he gets home im going to go crash kaysee's party and anoy all the anime peoples
Fay Da Way · Mon Jan 18, 2010 @ 11:33pm · 0 Comments |