if only i could lay here in this bed all day comfortable and snuggly awaiting his return no outside stimuli interupting my calm serenity my dreams dancing in and out of my mind my heart wrapped as warmly as my body never have to leave only stress is haveing to wait for him mind clear with only him on my thoughts
bed $3000 pillow $200 blankets $100 snuggling into them forever with my love $priceless
but there is a price greater to me than any dollar amount my soul
i described earlier in a journal entry what i thought were some posibilities for what the soul might be and what it could be used for
well my main sense of soul is when i can tell things are right when i know i will be happy
to live with this man forever to be in his arms i would be very happy my heart would be full
but it is possible that i may not be happy considering when i think about all the things i want to do to try to make him happy i get angry there must be something wrong why would i get upset with my love when i want to make them happy?
it cant be happiness i am feeling it must be more need obsession the feeling that i can not live without him if i was to leave him my life would be cut in half also he is a very useful person
maybe that is it i just want to use him
recently he told me of some odd thoughts he was having before he had me his odd thoughts were that he wanted to marry me but now that he has me his odd thoughts are that he should have never met me
i knew he only wanted me because he could not have me and he was waiting so long for me because he did not want to go through the trouble of moving on, only using me as an excuse he really does not care for me he knows it but he still persist and i still persist, i guess i just have to prove something to myself
"i feed you therefore i own you" mentality used on pets a lot
he said that one time to his cat then only a few minutes later he served me supper i felt very owned it felt good being his
but if i am to be his for ever i may not be completely happy i love him with all my heart but there is still a discomfort when i am around him i have tried to get rid of it but it is something that i can not just force away
in other news about me: i recently wrote a few notes to myself 1 i'm not angry, i have done worse so i can not blame him entirely doesnt mean he had to do it we had just gotten done discussing how fragile it is (this messege was to myself reminding me that i forgive tyrel for ripping a hole in my expensive jacket, lol, sounds like it is about something else, doesnt it?)
2 i told her i have a job where i answer phones i speak clearer now but she still feels the need to patronize me so my upset feelings prevent me from talking clearly (this is the most recent act my mother did while i was visiting, it hurts me when she is not happy with the way i am, she is never happy with it, she always thinks my hair is greasy, my apartment is not clean enough, nothing is ever good enough)
3 i cant remember this note fully but it went something like this: "tell me a story about how you adore me" the rolling stones are so mean actions vs. what is said (this song by the rolling stones is about a guy getting cheated on, and he just sits and listens to his girl tell him how much she loves him, when she could not truely be in love with him if she cheated, there must be something missing) this song makes me cry and hate myself i guess it is not the song, it is just my interpretation of it
the last thing that happened recently i found a note from a friend of mine they poor out their upset confused feelings in it it was written almost a week before i found it she wrote it nov 4th and i read it on the 16th (if i remember corectly) since i read her note i have been wanting to talk with her about it maybe comfort her she should know that her and her boyfriend are great together neither of them is too good for the other because they are both just good for each other (i guess i should not say anything about relationships considering how screwd mine is) she has been having troubles in other parts of her life i dont really have anything to say about them but i would still like to talk to her about it i dont think she needs advise on it, i hope not cause i dont have any i just want to talk, it might seem fake like i am just doing it to attempt to show i care that is why i have not been able to do it recently we have not had ample time together to talk and anything i bring up from it may just make her angry considering she is already mad at me for how i have treated her with the whole driving and living conditions so i m not quite ready to talk to her yet
the more i think about problems the less emotional i feel the more i feel like giving up on all of it the less i care the more i want to quit the less i fear it maybe i just need a near death experience to shock me back to wanting to be alive, but i cant wait for an act of God, i need to take part in my own life, but right now i just dont really care
Fay Da Way · Fri Nov 20, 2009 @ 05:31pm · 0 Comments |