You know. when i was in my junior year of high school, i started writing poetry all the time. Well, to be honest, some of it was probably more along the lines of prose more than poetry as I almost never rhymed or had any kind of templated structure. I just wrote what i felt and what was inside me. A lot of my classmates loved them. One girl asked me if she could copy one and sign her name to give it to her bf. at the time, I agreed. I never knew that was bad. not like i was published or anything write?
Well, for the next few years, I did want to get published. I continued to write poetry adn got much better over time. I even took a class in college for creative writing. the only class there i got an A in. I just breezed that course. too bad that school didn't offer more creative writing classes. That's what i really needed. I needed a lot of training in how to make my work better and how to work on a presentable manuscript.
well, for a long time i worked on one, but i was moving a lot... like every three months i moved. and half of my poetry was lost. sad but true... i have lots and lots of poetry ... some in mississippi where my son's real father holds them hostage. and some are probably in journals i forgot in san diego... some i have.. dunno what happened to some of it. it may have been in my parents and been lost to the abandonment of that house due to my dad up and leaving it and busting out to philly. gonk When I think about all the written work i've lost... it's almost depressing. It rather makes me not want to write.
but, there are still times i feel something inside me wanting to write again. and... I'd like to say that I do believe poetry.com IS a scam. I sent several works into them. They always replied saying that particular poem was exceptional and they wanted to publish it.. but i needed to buy some freaking $50 anthologies and stuff. That is a complete rip off! You should never have to make a purchase to win a contest. You are pretty much paying $50 bucks to have only one poem published in a big book where your work is only a drop in the bucket of other writers. It's not like they offer you a chance to have a small book of even fifty pages manuscript published for you.... stare well, it wasn't until i had like four in that site that i gave up on that one..
well, few years back, i had started beta testing a game called dransik. It is now legally named ashen empires... anyways... i loved that game for a long time. i really enjoyed the friends i made while testing it. we were a really close knit community. I after a while started to write some little private fan fics based on my game character. They were going really well. I had layed out an outline for how i wanted my story to progress... had story archs and mini sub story archs... saved them to a disk. after that, my bf deleted them since i backed them up on a disk... THE DISK GOT LOST!!!! What is it with me and all my best works? somehow it's always get lost... i feel like i am doomed to never have any tangible evidence of my work... well, i gave up on that story. cuz it always made me sick to keep writing for a story. cuz i started to forget exactly how i planned it.. and i didn't want to depart from the original plan.
then, i was getting upset with some players on my server and went to another server to play for a while. there, i started another fic... but that only got a few entries and i gave up on it...
I did some brief writing exercises on the stratics.com FFXI forums while i was playing that game. Me and a few others got involved in an interactive story... all writing up pieces to it. but, while i wanted to write for it... i just... i don't know. the weight of losing my dransik files was still raw inside me.
Also, aside from poetry and fictional writing.... I used to write letters. and letter was almost more my real love than creative literary sstuff. I loved to pen pal. i had four all at one time for a few years. over the years when i went through some really dark years.... i got almost depressed and stopped writing. because i would never want to send someone a letter full of depression and sadness. That would be such a disgrace to my own self. So.. i went quiet and stopped writing people. Every now and then i do try to jumpstart my writing hobby.. but i get lazy about maintaining my stamps and my envelope seals. i will never send out a personal letter without nice stamps and a cute sticker to seal the envelope. lol. that's just my thing and how i do it. In fact, i have 2 letters at home for a few gaian ladies from community of faith that have been sitting in my living room since easter. redface heh... need to get those out. I did however send people late christmas cards. also sent out a few valentines day cards. biggrin I even got a few back. I need to send uni another card. been a while since i sent her one.
I picked up a pack of crayola superfine writing markers today. i feel it inside of me growing.. the desire to write in one way.. but yet.. a lack of motivation and passion driving me to meet that want... such inner conflict... bleh.
for now, my gaia journal continues to be my primary source of writing. that and i have been participating in a serafina rp with my pet i've referred to before...
but some of those girls are really good writers... it's so intimidating. makes me always feel like my writing is crap and i'll just never write that good. I try... but the harder i try.. the less creative i get. sweatdrop geez...
oh yeah. in other news... my wages will be getting garnished soon. any friends who pray.. please keep me in prayer for a financial blessing. I need the Lord to do something for me so i can get out of this financial debt of a quicksand trap... cuz it's just gonna drive me crazy.. they plan to keep calling me like three times a week. freaking annoying... stressed evil they call me at work and at home. cry and it's not like i can even afford to give them what they want... if I could,... i would have been paying on it and not gone into default... sad
 Graceangel · Wed Jul 20, 2005 @ 11:34pm · 3 Comments |
