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 Posted: Sun Nov 18, 2012 2:54 pm
♦Character Name ♦
Name: Ellese Rosewood
Nick Names: Dawn
Alias: {Anything related to their secret life}
Alliance: Fey
Race: Fairy
❧Physical Characteristics
Age: 200
Hair: white
Eyes: Purple
Skin Tone: Creamy pale
Ethnicity:
Scars, Birthmarks, Tattoos: Inverted cross covering her back
Height: 4 '11"
Weight: 110
Marital Status: single
Physical Structure: athletic
Orientation: Strait
❧Personal Info
❖Transcripts:
Alignment: chaotic neutral
Criminal Record: None
Level of Education: Doctrine in Medicine
If Collegial:
Current Occupation: Philosophy professor
Past Occupations: Sunday school teacher, Daycare provider, English professor, Pediatric nurse
Family: The Fey
Lovers, Friends, and Others:
❖Personal:
Personality: Manipulative
People Skills: Very good with people
Goals: To gain status in the Fey hierarchy.
Fears: Ghosts
Favorites: Loves children
Role Model:
Catch Phrase/Motto: "The more death you incur the more you should fear it."
❧Skills,Abilities, and Powers
Skills: Fencing, Martial arts, throwing knifes, swordplay.
Abilities: Psychic
Powers: Psychic
Weaknesses: Neurotic, Half deft.
Technology/Weapons/Pharpenilia:
Throwing daggers, a long sword, a light sword
History Father was a general killed by a group of human hunters when she was young. Has spent her whole life fighting her way back to the top.
Theme Song:
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Posted: Sun Nov 18, 2012 9:02 pm
No.
That's all I've got to say right now. This doesn't seem like any effort was put into this profile (especially the history, which I'll get to later). Let's have a look.
A. The name "Ellese Rosewood". For that, I'm handing this section of the review over to Oncaro and/or the Captain herself. Plus, why would "Dawn" be her nickname? It doesn't say anywhere on the profile why she would be called that.
B. 200 years old... white hair... purple eyes... creamy pale skin... You need to state her Ethnicity, which is Elven. Not Caucasian, Elven. And why would she have an inverted cross tattoo on her back?
C. Physical Structure... eh, I'll let it pass, but please state why at some point in the history (which I'll get to later). And Straight is spelled with a "gh".
D. Chaotic neutral alignment never explained in history, and her past occupations (which almost all of them don't exist in the Elven Realm) are never explained in the history. How would she get a doctorate in the first place? And no, elves don't go to college (which in the human realm), so that answer's null and void.
E. "The Fey" does not count as an answer to who her family is. What are the names of the people in her family? What's their relation to her? Who are her mother, father, siblings, etc.? Are they dead or alive? Fix it. Plus, does she have any friends, lovers, and other people in her life? Even if she doesn't know anyone in the guild, just make some up.
F. How is she manipulative? And... is that all there is to her personality? Just her being manipulative? if so, then she's basically a two dimensional character, and by that, I mean flat. Not interesting. You need to go into way more detail about her personality, and give her more traits than just "manipulative." And don't just list them- explain them.
G. Why would she want to gain status in the Fey hierarchy? What is she aiming to be, a princess or something?
H. I'm skipping a few things and going straight for the abilities and powers; the secondary reasons this profile isn't working out. Abilities are things your character was born to do naturally; for example, gymnastics, cooking, some type of musical talent- that kind of stuff. As for powers, "psychic is WAY too broad. You need to describe what kind of psychic powers she has, how strong they are, and what she can do. if you're having trouble on that section, I would recommend using the Magic Types guide to get a better idea on powers of the magical sort.
I. You need better weaknesses... and what does "deft" mean? I've never heard of that word before. Still, you need better weakness, especially those of the physical kind. The Character Creation guide will show you what's harmful to Fey.
J. ...Oh boy...the History... must remain calm...
J. I.Okay, first of all, it's two sentences long. Unacceptable. The character's history should be a paragraph long, and a paragraph consists of at least five sentences. Just from seeing the two sentences, there doesn't seem to be any effort put into this.
J. II. "Father was a general killed by a group of human hunters when she was young. Has spent her whole life fighting her way back to the top."
Do I need to go into detail about how utterly, entirely, and annoyingly VAUGE this is? Well, if I must...
I already talked about the family earlier. First of all, how did her father become a general? How did the hunters find him, considering they don't even have a shred of knowledge about how to get to the Elven Realm? What was her childhood like? Why would she be fighting her way back to the top? Was her family within the nobility?
Okay, I'm out of questions, considering there's so many in my mind that I can't even put them into words. The character doesn't interest me at all from what I've read, there's no evidence that shows how her personality is the way it is, and it says nothing whatsoever about what this "top" is that she's fighting to get to. Basically, it says nothing whatsoever bout her life! I'm just gonna sum everything about this History and my suggestion for it up in this one word: EXPLAIN!
I'm sorry, but I cannot accept this. The character doesn't seem interesting at all, especially from the history, and I'm not finding any evidence that effort was given in creating this character. This needs work- a LOT of work.
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Leonidas Pelagios Vice Captain
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Posted: Sun Nov 18, 2012 9:30 pm
Basically everything Leo said, I agree with. On the topic of this character's name... Try to go with something a bit more Elvish. I used a name generator for Feranes' own name. I forget which one is was, but his name happened to have meaning: "Feranes", based on what the translator I used told me, translates to "Heart of a Champion" or "Champion's Heart". This fits the kind of person he is.
However, also on the topic of Feranes... If you can take this history of her's and expand it-- And I can help you with that if you want-- We can actually go into how the Fey were before Feranes showed up. See, Feranes was initially created for another guild-- And thus another universe. The Fey of this reality are not the ones he is like, and he's not susceptible to the same weaknesses as they are because he's technically a different, near-godlike species of elf; the same goes for his wife, and also his children.
Now, Feranes was a very early addition to this guild, not too long after it was created. As a result, the story of how he became the leader of the Fey of this universe was never actually told, and the more I think about it the more I realize that it's kind of stupid for that to stay the case. I've occasionally wondered how the Fey would have been like before he showed up, but Text and I have never really discussed it. This could be an excellent opportunity to flesh out why he is their current ruler, as well as why this fairy of yours wants to get into the Elven hierarchy. For example, what sort of relationship would her father have had with Feranes, if any at all? That could be the basis of a sort of grudge on her part or something.
These are just ideas, of course, but I find this idea of further backstory on Feranes' time in this guild to be very enticing to think of and write out.
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Posted: Mon Nov 19, 2012 8:35 am
The only thing I wanted to touch on was the whole issue of being 'neurotic.' While this is technically a weakness, if you had done even a shred of research on the actual definition of 'neurotic,' you'd find that it's basically a single word that covers a myriad of different psychological disorders and the symptoms thereof. Which raises the question... Is she afflicted by all of them, by every single thing which 'neurotic' encompasses? Surely not, otherwise she'd hardly be functional as a character in any universe. I can understand a crazy character, but even crazy needs to be kept in check. You need to be much more specific about that in particular; what qualifies her as 'neurotic?' Is she Obsessive-Compulsive? Does she have any particular tics or triggers? How and when in her life was she diagnosed as being mentally ill (include that in the bio)? And why, on God's green Earth (or any variation of it), is a psycho-Satanist lady being let ANYWHERE near people in general, let alone children?! There's not a snowflake's chance in a fiery hell I'd let this lady anywhere near anyone I cared about... You might want to reconsider a few things as far as that goes.
Also, her Doctrine in Medicine. I fail to see how this got her ANY of her occupations, aside from the pediatric nurse. All the other ones are teachers, and NOT of a medicinal standpoint... Which means she's not qualified, at all. A philosophy professor? With a doctrine in Medicine? What kind of sense does that make? I'll tell you- none at all. Not a lick of it. Even in Georgia, where teachers don't even have to be certified to teach, she'd need proper qualifications... As in, an education in the subject she was teaching. And considering she's from the Fae Realm, as that's already been discussed and all those implications... You might just want to re-think all of her occupations and education.
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Posted: Mon Nov 19, 2012 5:35 pm
Leonidas Peridot No.
That's all I've got to say right now. This doesn't seem like any effort was put into this profile (especially the history, which I'll get to later). Let's have a look.
A. The name "Ellese Rosewood". For that, I'm handing this section of the review over to Oncaro and/or the Captain herself. Plus, why would "Dawn" be her nickname? It doesn't say anywhere on the profile why she would be called that.
B. 200 years old... white hair... purple eyes... creamy pale skin... You need to state her Ethnicity, which is Elven. Not Caucasian, Elven. And why would she have an inverted cross tattoo on her back?
C. Physical Structure... eh, I'll let it pass, but please state why at some point in the history (which I'll get to later). And Straight is spelled with a "gh".
D. Chaotic neutral alignment never explained in history, and her past occupations (which almost all of them don't exist in the Elven Realm) are never explained in the history. How would she get a doctorate in the first place? And no, elves don't go to college (which in the human realm), so that answer's null and void.
E. "The Fey" does not count as an answer to who her family is. What are the names of the people in her family? What's their relation to her? Who are her mother, father, siblings, etc.? Are they dead or alive? Fix it. Plus, does she have any friends, lovers, and other people in her life? Even if she doesn't know anyone in the guild, just make some up.
F. How is she manipulative? And... is that all there is to her personality? Just her being manipulative? if so, then she's basically a two dimensional character, and by that, I mean flat. Not interesting. You need to go into way more detail about her personality, and give her more traits than just "manipulative." And don't just list them- explain them.
G. Why would she want to gain status in the Fey hierarchy? What is she aiming to be, a princess or something?
H. I'm skipping a few things and going straight for the abilities and powers; the secondary reasons this profile isn't working out. Abilities are things your character was born to do naturally; for example, gymnastics, cooking, some type of musical talent- that kind of stuff. As for powers, "psychic is WAY too broad. You need to describe what kind of psychic powers she has, how strong they are, and what she can do. if you're having trouble on that section, I would recommend using the Magic Types guide to get a better idea on powers of the magical sort.
I. You need better weaknesses... and what does "deft" mean? I've never heard of that word before. Still, you need better weakness, especially those of the physical kind. The Character Creation guide will show you what's harmful to Fey.
J. ...Oh boy...the History... must remain calm...
J. I.Okay, first of all, it's two sentences long. Unacceptable. The character's history should be a paragraph long, and a paragraph consists of at least five sentences. Just from seeing the two sentences, there doesn't seem to be any effort put into this.
J. II. "Father was a general killed by a group of human hunters when she was young. Has spent her whole life fighting her way back to the top."
Do I need to go into detail about how utterly, entirely, and annoyingly VAUGE this is? Well, if I must...
I already talked about the family earlier. First of all, how did her father become a general? How did the hunters find him, considering they don't even have a shred of knowledge about how to get to the Elven Realm? What was her childhood like? Why would she be fighting her way back to the top? Was her family within the nobility?
Okay, I'm out of questions, considering there's so many in my mind that I can't even put them into words. The character doesn't interest me at all from what I've read, there's no evidence that shows how her personality is the way it is, and it says nothing whatsoever about what this "top" is that she's fighting to get to. Basically, it says nothing whatsoever bout her life! I'm just gonna sum everything about this History and my suggestion for it up in this one word: EXPLAIN!
I'm sorry, but I cannot accept this. The character doesn't seem interesting at all, especially from the history, and I'm not finding any evidence that effort was given in creating this character. This needs work- a LOT of work. Iv'e never really done this before and wasn't sure how to make a character for the guild. Thanks for explaining how to make it better.
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