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 Posted: Thu Feb 23, 2012 10:31 am
QUEST FORM
Basics ::
xxxxxName: Shawn "Shadow" Darrow
xxxxxNickname(s): Shadow, Shawnie-poo
xxxxxFaction: Spades
xxxxxAge: 16...? (Appearance-wise as a ghost?)
xxxxxHeight: 5' 6"
xxxxxBody Type: In a word...Scrawny. Abnormally skinny/scrawny to the point of looking near anorexic. This is not due to actual anorexia, but because he chooses to fend for himself and seek out his own food as a means of earning his faction's respect through his independence. Also, as a ghost-type and a Haunter, Shawn doesn't need to eat very much (if anything at all) in order to sustain himself, nor would one expect him to have very much substance in the way of a body.
Poké-basics ::
xxxxxPokemon: Haunter
xxxxxPokemon type: Ghost & Poison
xxxxxNatural Ability: Levitate
xxxxxPerma: Perma Haunter (perhaps with partial Gengar traits) ...and possible Perma Teen?
xxxxxMoveset:
xxxxxxxxxxxxxx• Lick
xxxxxxxxxxxxxx• Hypnosis
xxxxxxxxxxxxxx• Dream Eater
xxxxxxxxxxxxxx• Shadow Ball
Personality ::
xxxxxPositive Traits
Trait 1 Independent - Shadow has almost always been self reliant since he was first able to support himself. He also tries to be more mature than most of his peers and does his best to get things done. Shadow is very street-smart and knows how to think on his feet, so to speak. He is reliable enough to look to for advice on what to do in a situation, though he's not likely to turn to anyone else for help.
Trait 2 Caring - Shadow can be secretly kind and helpful such as when he uses Hypnosis to help people get some rest if they have trouble, or sometimes eats their dreams in their sleep when they have nightmares. He worries for the sake of others and will do what he can to take care of them if he believes it necessary, such as attempting to put others to bed early with Hypnosis so that they get enough sleep.
xxxxxNeutral Traits
Trait Serious - Despite the usual grins that his kind are known to wear, Shawn rarely ever smiles. He doesn't often joke around and he doesn't waste his techniques by using them for petty, frivolous party tricks. This young man only uses them when necessary and isn't very fond of doing so. If someone wants to tell him something, Shadow can generally be trusted to take the matter seriously. However, he's a little hard to play with because of this and doesn't take kindly to pranks, jokes, or tricks; especially when he believes someone could be in serious danger.
xxxxxNegative Traits
Trait 1 Gloomy - Even when he's in cheerful company, this fellow can't seem to brighten up. For this reason he tries to stay away from others to avoid raining on their parade. This doesn't always work, though, and his negativity might end up seeping into those around him after a certain length of time. It's almost impossible to get him to look on the bright side since he seems to dwell on things with a pessimistic attitude. Once in a while, though, he can manage to brush aside the constant, metaphorical rain cloud that hangs above his head and make an effort to interact with a degree of pleasantry.
Trait 2 Insecure - A couple of Shadow's biggest flaws are his self-loathing and his tendency to brood on the past, which are interlinked with each other. His predominant nature seems to be gloomy, and as he doesn't actively seek out the company of others, he also seems to be aloof or distant. Shadow doesn't like the idea of being a wet blanket and bringing others down with him, especially when he's brooding. He actually loves company; it's just that he's so insecure about his appearance and scaring people off with it that he doesn't have the will to try to reach out to others on his own too often. Unless, of course, they are in serious need of his help.
xxxxxLikes: Solitude once in a while, having people around, feeling normal and fitting in, darkness, psychics, and optimism/positive-thinkers.
Darkness - He can hide his appearance in said darkness and doesn't have to worry about how others perceive him or how he perceives himself. He feels at home in the dark, especially because he can see in it better than many others can. And those others like him that can are often as 'scary-looking' as he is, so he doesn't have to worry much about frightening them off. He can be alone in his thoughts to think, though occasionally it gets lonely, so it never hurts to have a few friends around with him.
Psychics - Along with himself, Shadow just plain dislikes ghost-types. He knows the most about them and how malicious, vengeful, and mean-spirited they tend to be, so he prefers to side with Psychic-types. He feels safer around them and connected in the sense that the fact that they see most ghosts as their enemies. While this might make them suspicious of him given his type, he certainly wouldn't blame them given the reputed nature of his kind. However it would probably make him want to work that much harder to overcome their wariness of him earn their trust. Shadow greatly values Psychics' generally vast knowledge, intelligence, and wisdom. He also likes that most seem confident and that they know what they're doing - attributes that he himself aspires to gain. Psychic-types are also usually very understanding in his opinion and he admires their multiple talents, such as their telekinesis. He strives to have the mental concentration and focus that they do, especially to keep his form tangible more often than not. While Psychics are weak against Ghosts, Shadow figures he can at least afford them some amount of protection against others of his kind (though who really knows the extent of that, given ghosts are bad against ghosts).
Optimism and Positive-Thinkers - He likes those who can see the brighter side of things and admires them for it since he himself has trouble doing so. Always stuck in the past, Shadow admires and respects those who can look to the future and envision it as a happier one - especially those who can back up their visions.
xxxxxDislikes: Being hit on, being looked-down on, himself, his body and appearance, ghost-types, bossy older women, mirrors, and inconsideration/ill will towards others.
Mirrors - Since he hates looking at himself with self-disgust and has a certain loathing for his appearance.
Ghosts - Despite being part ghost himself, Shadow doesn't trust them. At all. He knows their type best and he knows what they're capable of, which is why he dislikes them as well as himself.
Inconsideration/Ill Will Towards Others - He will not abide it from anyone. He really cares about his fellow pokehumans and will not stand to see them take advantage of one another. He will do whatever he must to stop this.
xxxxxFavourite Food: Meat; particularly bacon.
xxxxxHobbies:
Listening to Others - Although Shadow seems to be outwardly distant, cold, and aloof, he will always take the time to listen to others. He's pretty easy to talk to because he's a good listener; at least once one gets past his appearance. Since he has a pretty lonely nature, this ghost pokeboy is always up for listening to others or just hanging around to keep them company, especially late at night.
Nighttime Patrolling - Shadow likes wandering and exploring around Wonderland, but he also derives pleasure and relaxation from his job patrolling the territory of the Spades faction. Taking walks such as these give him time to think and allow him to observe things he might not normally notice in the hectic activity of everyday life. It gives him his regular dose of solitude, peace, quiet, and time to himself. This variant of pacing allows him to 'stop and smell the roses' - both figuratively and literally. He's also learned how to be quite stealthy when it comes to patrolling in the dark at night so that he can catch intruders unaware. Shadow feels much more comfortable and confident about his appearance in the dark as opposed to the daytime when all his disturbing features are in full view.
Helping with Errands - Though one might not find such a hobby relaxing, Shadow grows bored when he has nothing to do and thus enjoys helping others with errands they need to run. It should be noted that although he'll sometimes help those from other factions, he's not likely to confront anyone associated with Hearts in the case that their factions' wishes conflict with his own. Still, he's always ready to attend to any duties for the Hatter or anyone else of his own faction as long as it's not outright violent or malicious.
xxxxxInterests: Looking after others (especially younger ones), making friends & socializing, practicing his techniques (like walking through walls and phasing objects - or other living creatures - through with him)
xxxxxFaction Opinion: Shadow has mixed feelings about his faction. He is not fond of their violent and criminal tendencies, as he has a strong set of morals himself. However, as he was more or less brought up by this faction, he is certainly grateful towards them and is nothing if not loyal towards his fellow Spades, including the Hatter. They are the ones who taught him to survive and he will stick by the Spades until the end.
xxxxxAspirations: A short-term goal would be to protect others to the best of his abilities in order to make his abominable existence worth while. A long-term goal would be to redeem himself for being the monster he believes he is and to find out a purpose for his existence. As a ghost, he doesn't believe he should be alive.
Employment::
xxxxxTitle: Phantom Patroller or Ghostly Guard or Stealthy Shadow Specter Security Guard (...Something like that. XD Still working on it and playing around with words that might be good for titles. If you have any input on this, please let me know!)
xxxxxJob: Shadow's job is mainly patrolling the Spades faction grounds, particularly the boarders of their territory, in order to watch for intruders and report trespassers to the Hatter.
Appearance::
xxxxxHair: Spiky, purple hair that falls forward with a few bangs that fall across his eyes. Style is like this and this. Maybe a little longer than this.
xxxxxEyes: Angular eyes like this and this. Bright red sclera with black irises like this...?
xxxxxSkin tone: Dark tan; reddish-brown (Hopi Native American)
xxxxxPalette: Violet purple (more red than blue), bright red, and black. This, this, this, and this (but not this purple; it's too bluish) are all good examples. Also, his main art gallery can be found here if needed.
xxxxxClothing: I have no sense of fashion whatsoever, so please feel free to 'Wonderlandize' his outfit however you see fit. However, his original design had a trench coat with red 'R's and long, baggy jeans. He wore no shoes because he doesn't have feet or a lower torso. He wears pants to hide this fact. He's the middle one depicted here. Here's an example of an alternate outfit someone suggested that I draw on him.
xxxxxAdditional: Partial evolution features of Gengar features such as red eyes and sharp, white teeth like this, this, and this.
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Posted: Fri Feb 24, 2012 2:16 pm
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Posted: Sun Mar 04, 2012 9:31 am
Okay, heyo! I'm gonna talk about things in order, from top to bottom, so you can run down it with me!
I see a very good character buried in here, somewhere deep. His pain and his need to overcome it help others is a very sweet idea.
Unfortunately... I think you get kind of lost on the way to establishing this as who Shawn is.
Body-type: I don't have a problem with skinny people, or anorexics, but his reasoning for being skinny... Being forced to starve himself. I don't believe that the Spades would do such a cruel thing, ESPECIALLY not to one they spent the resources to raise, and at the moment, it only seems to allow Shawn to portray himself as a victim. Try to find other ways to make him skinny other than being forced to starve by his faction. Perhaps he's imposed the independence upon himself for the sake of earning his faction's respect?
Personality:
Independent – First half, fine. His street-smarts seem to conflict with his inability to feed himselfo n his own, but if you touch up the body-type itself, I feel you can ignore this fact. About halfway through, though, you begin talking about his stubbornness and his acting like a big brother to others, both facts are completely irrelevant to his independence in and of themselves. However, I feel like you can move them on down to caring and it'll be just fine.
Sarcastic – As you've worded it, this is a negative trait, not a neutral. Sarcasm is good, can be quite silly, I'm quite sarcastic myself, but I've never viewed it as having any virtue for others. I'd say try to find a new one.
Pessimism – As I've stated before, you include a lot of victimization in this trait, and not many people are going to get along well with someone who's this full of their own sadness. I'd say cut out these portions of angst, “believing that no one else knows what he's gone through” and that “he doesn't want them to bother with it.” I'd say try to minimize his self-pity, which isn't pessimism anyway, and try to expand on a more negative attitude in general. Just negativity makes his kindness and caring strange, but a generally half-empty mentality and a desire to help where he can might make him tragic.
Insecure – I want to wait to see how you rework your personality before I make any comment on this, but it could potentially use some work.
Psychics: Ghost-types are known not to get along well with psychic-types. Not a criticism, just something to keep in mind, because it might be an interesting dynamic with his character later on! He likes them, but they're very weak to him, so they might be wary, you know?
Title: STEALTHY SHADOW SPECTER SECURITY SENTRY O A O five s title yesssss
Right, so let me sum this up. I think you have the potential for a very, very powerful character, a veritable Frankenstein's Monster-esque boy who only wishes to help. Unfortunately, I think you get too caught up in the conflict between Shawn wanting to be alone and Shawn wanting to be with people. It's not just a conflicting trait; it almost seems like you wrote half of this with the former mentality in mind and the other half with the latter. I want you to think long and hard about who you want Shawn to be, an angsty, victimized loner, or a helpful ghost who's trapped by insecurity and mental distance. Pick one or the other, because either can work, I just feel one option will be harder to do and will take a lot of work before I'll feel comfortable approving you.
Please don't think I'm being harsh, I just see a lot of potential in this boy and I want to see you reach it, but you're going to have to do some serious polishing.
I'll be back again when you've updated a bit, okay? Good luck, and keep up the good work <3
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Posted: Sun Mar 04, 2012 12:49 pm
and a quote for good measure rofl
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Posted: Tue Jul 10, 2012 1:18 pm
Hello! Thanks for stopping by and sorry I took so long to respond. Things got in the way. sweatdrop Hopefully I can make up for that now, though. Thanks for taking the time and trouble to read and critique this quest!
Whoops! Sorry about his body-type; I wasn't aware exactly how cruel or kind the Spades would be (especially since I made this quest near the time of the shop opening). I didn't realize they would spend resources to raise him, either. XD I'll be sure to fix that. And thanks for the suggestion! That would do well, I think.
Haha, I see what you mean about the stubbornness and brother aspect being misplaced. Thanks for pointing that out; I tend to fail at sorting out my thoughts.
Alrighty, so for the sarcasm, is it alright if I move that down to the negative traits to replace pessimism? Would I need to change the wording so that it sounds more negative, or is it fine as it is?
As far as a neutral trait, I tried to replace it, but I'm not sure that works, entirely... Either that, or maybe 'Decisive' just isn't the word I'm looking for to describe it. Mind giving me your input on it? Would you consider it neutral?
I cut the pessimism out. I completely agree with you and am not entirely sure why I put that there. >_>; I think I might have been reflecting back on my old notes of when first I made him as a character, which was...2005. I really knew little to nothing about character development and how to round a character out.
For the insecurity portion, I changed it so that instead of 'isolating himself from others often', he just doesn't often actively seek others' company out. If they're there, he'll often try to start up a conversation; that was true to his original character. Man, I think I was confusing how I originally wanted him to be with how he came to develop over time. @_@ I can especially see that now with how you pointed out that his 'wanting to be alone' conflicts with his 'wanting to be around people'. So sorry about that; I'm sure it was fairly confusing. EDIT: Dakka Domi It's not just a conflicting trait; it almost seems like you wrote half of this with the former mentality in mind and the other half with the latter.
Oooh. I can definitely see how Psychics are not known to get along well with Ghost-types (because of the situation involving type-advantages...?), but may I ask what makes you say that ghosts don't get along with psychics? Either way, I believe I forgot to mention this (adding it in now) but along with himself, Shawn just plain dislikes ghost-types. He knows the most about them and how malicious/vengeful/mean-spirited they tend to be, so that's another reason he prefers to side with Psychic-types. EDIT: Just peeked in on another quest thread. Nobody the Shuppet, also in the Spades faction, happens to be a perfect example of this. (Shawn's affiliation with psychics kind of relates to an unexpected bond he had with an Abra named Minagi (after she saved him) in his the original rp of his creation, at which time I didn't remember enough about pokemon to realize that Haunter didn't have red eyes, let along that Psychics were weak against Ghosts.)
While Psychics are weak against ghost, at least maybe he can afford them some amount of protection against others of his kind (though who really knows the extent of that, given ghosts are bad against ghosts). He also values their generally great knowledge and the fact that they see most ghosts as their enemies. Also, I love that suggestion/concept/dynamic about psychics perhaps being wary of him. He certainly wouldn't blame them given the reputed nature of his kind. XD But yeah, it would probably make him want to fight that much harder to earn their trust.
PFFFT you don't seriously think that's a good title, do you? rofl There's got to be something more reasonable than that! He'd face-palm every time it was mentioned otherwise. Not to mention hate me forever...er...well. More than he already does.
I believe I'd like to do my best to steer him toward the 'helpful ghost who's trapped by insecurity and mental distance' idea and have done what I can to try to steer him in that direction under your guidance. Hopefully he's a little better now.
I very much appreciate all the time and effort you put into this critique. I can tell you really tried to get a feel for this character concept and understand what I was getting at before you suggested some constructive criticism. I wish more people had the thought, consideration, and care you so clearly wove into your words, pointing out what you thought could use some work as well as what you seemed to like. Heh, it also made your compliments mean that much more. I don't think you were harsh at all; just constructively critical in the perfect dose, which was exactly what I needed.
Thanks for the encouragement again, and I hope he's more to your liking now that I've changed him. Man, I feel so embarrassed about those other things that were there before, though... I really hope I can make up for it.
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Posted: Wed Jul 11, 2012 11:39 am
Independent - My biggest thing with this is you cannot assume that your character is more mature than his peers. Unfortunately you cannot assume how others will view your character, can only state what they are like and how they would like to be seen. ;p
Caring - This trait has a bunch of other traits in it and is a little jumbled and unfocused. Try to focus specifically on the traits you are picking when describing a trait instead of attempting to incorporate a large number of other traits into one.
Decisive - This trait doesn't feel very neutral from the description. He feels very controlling and stubborn and not really decisive...
Dictionary.com says Decisive is:
1. having the power or quality of deciding; putting an end to controversy; crucial or most important: Your argument was the decisive one.
2.
characterized by or displaying no or little hesitation; resolute; determined: The general was known for his decisive manner.
3.
indisputable; definite: a decisive defeat.
4.
unsurpassable; commanding:
Sarcastic - The way this is described makes it sound strictly situational. If it's a negative trait, it should apply more than 10% of the time. It should be a major part of their personality.
These are the biggest issues I'm seeing so far~
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Posted: Wed Jul 11, 2012 3:05 pm
Fixed. Please let me know if there's anything else.
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Posted: Wed Aug 22, 2012 6:37 pm
Here I am, once again, after many a moon! Time for CRITS
Things are looking much better with Shadow. What I'm picking up with him, though, is a whole lot of what I'd describe as teenage angst. You say he's insecure about his appearance, yet it's his own doing in order to earn respect for himself from his faction. At the same time, he cares about others, but only in secret, because of this same sort of insecurity about himself. What I want to know is this: Why does he care in this way? There's no real explanation as to why exactly he helps in secret, when it seems like it would be so much easier, and have a far more tangible reward, if he were to just be open about it. I think Shadow could stand to gain a great deal if you were to think about this reasoning, about what exactly causes this seemingly senseless angst.
On that note, it seems that Shadow has a LOT of senseless insecurities and issues that seem to be drawn from the way you paint Shadow as a victim. He seems very put-upon for somebody who's so caring and willing to help others, and it catches my attention every time I read it through. I don't imagine you want him to look like this, though I'm not the authority on him; you are. To that effect, you may want to think on that concept, whether or not Shadow intentionally victimizes himself, and change your traits accordingly.
I'm not picking apart your traits piece by piece because, at a glance, they can work together, but you may want to think on motivations and edit a little bit to make them coherent.
Now, I hope I've made sense here, and if I haven't, feel free to ask, and I'll break things down a bit more. That's all for now, and I'll talk to you soon.
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Posted: Sun Aug 26, 2012 4:54 pm
Hello again, Dakka.
I can't disagree with you about the teenage angst; in fact he kind of ended up epitomizing the concept as I came to develop him. Would this be a problem? I thought it might be a good place to start with because it gives him something to work toward overcoming as a character.
May I ask what you mean by 'it's his own doing'? Are you referring to his appearance? It may seem inconsistent due to the changes I made between the last two critiques, but I thought it still made sense. His insecurities about his appearance don't lie in his build or scrawniness so much as his...species of pokemon and the traits he has that are attributed to them. Those are not traits he can help, correct? I suppose if he learned that Wonderland foods change appearence, he might be curious about eating them...or maybe that's the very reason he doesn't eat much at all. Perhaps it was eating a certain type(s) of Wonderland foods that resulted in his undesirable appearance in the first place. Would that be plausible?
Also, I'm afraid I'm still a little confused as to how human vs. how pokemon-like these pets/characters are. I assume they can have pokemon powers, correct...? But what percentage of their traits are merely aesthetic (like their clothes which they can take on and off) and what percentage makes them distinctly inhuman (attached ears, tails, wings to fly with, scales, etc.)? I suppose I just assumed that the traits Shadow would be most ashamed of and insecure about were the latter ones - the traits he was born with that he couldn't willingly be rid of or change (such as, depending on the extent of this shop's policies/concepts, detatched wrists and a lack of a lower body, genie-style, etc, though covered up by clothes. At least that's how his original character was designed, but I'm perfectly fine with altering it to whatever are the standards of this shop. I just need to know what they are XD).
I am, unfortunately, not entirely sure why he's only caring 'in secret'. It might have had something to do with being a part of the Spades faction and attempting to hide any possible weakness such as a show of empathy/sympathy and/or compassion for the enemy. I also might have accidentally taken away the wrong aspects of that trait when I was rearranging it under Corsar's suggestions because I might have had his earlier version in mind again instead of his latter version (who is much more open about being caring) so I'll see what I can do to fix that if it would affect his reputation among those in his own faction. His earlier version wasn't so open because he was at conflict between sympathizing with the enemy and loyalty to his own faction, which would likely require a lack of the former (sympathizing).
Since you know more about the Spades faction, their leader, their ideals, and their purpose more than I do, do you think Shadow would have been raised trying to suppress his concerns for others no matter what faction they were from, or do you think he would have grown up not worrying about seeming like a traitor to his own faction and being open with his sympathies toward others, enemies and faction members alike?
I'm...not exactly sure what word usage I've used or how I've portrayed him as a victim, so maybe I should look back through, but if you know of any other specific examples, please point them out to me. I think he's mostly just sunken into senseless self-loathing and insecurities, but he tries not to dwell on that by helping others. Essentially, I'd say he's the only one who considers himself a freak, not anyone else. It's his own standards he can't measure up to. How might I be able to portray this better?
I haven't made any changes yet because I'd like to know your thoughts to the statements and questions I mentioned above first. Thanks again for the crit, and hope to hear from you soon.
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