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Jasper Riddle Vice Captain
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 Posted: Fri Feb 17, 2006 6:09 pm
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Posted: Fri Feb 17, 2006 6:11 pm
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Jasper Riddle Vice Captain
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Posted: Fri Feb 17, 2006 8:09 pm
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Posted: Fri Feb 17, 2006 9:13 pm
Wow, I really liked it Jasper. I don't really have much to say, Atticus covered everything I was thinking (and more whee ) except that I loved it and can't wait for more.
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Jasper Riddle Vice Captain
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Posted: Sat Feb 18, 2006 7:41 am
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Posted: Sat Feb 18, 2006 8:32 am
I should probably read the entire story on FicPress before I come with guns blazing to do this, but here goes.
It's obvious that this is old, from the way you talk about it -- "original" RoD, and all. Despite the possibility of aged work, your style is incredibly refined.
On the other hand, thus far, it feels a bit lacking in plot and character, but it's too early to tell. No sense in attacking you for it with only two chapters to reference from, but:
Dey and Nyte, although obviously named for the contrast they're supposed to create, feel a bit one-dimensional, but again, I can't really tell whether that's on purpose or not. From the second chapter, I get a feeling that Nyte and Kassix are going to fall in love, or at least somehow run into each other, and I can say firmly that Nyte has some great destiny ahead of him from the whole "demon blood" accusation.
From what I remember from my reading on FicPress, though, the plot doesn't follow normal standards, but I won't spoil it here. I can't recall every detail, to say the least, and I'm not sure what your intent is in the entire thing, and whether Dey and Nyte are actually (HIGHLIGHT TO READ: contains spoilers) "your" characters, and not Tim's. We'll see, won't we? ninja
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Sui the foot doktor Vice Captain
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Jasper Riddle Vice Captain
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Posted: Sat Feb 18, 2006 8:54 am
Atty: Yeah, I need to go over the first few chapter and give them serious overhaul.
Bird: whee Thanks!
Suiso: Yeah, I've been writing it for a year now, so it's "old". And the beginning chapters are always a bit...erm...flat. Oddly enough, I started this story with the idea that none of my MCs would fall in love--at least not with each other.
Thanks for the reviews, guys! heart
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Posted: Sat Feb 18, 2006 1:13 pm
I have to agree with Suiso. As much as I like the brisk pace of this story, it's moving along quite nicely, I think the characters are getting left behind. They do seem a little stock, predictable, but all they really need is a little more definition.
Sorry, I'm just a stickler for good characters. But also I'm always happy to find a writer who knows to to start and run with a story. It has good momentum, and trust me that's a plus.
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Jasper Riddle Vice Captain
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Posted: Sat Feb 18, 2006 2:27 pm
I intend on getting the crap beginning chapters out of the way ASAP. I hope that characterization will start showing through--right at the beginning I was just trying to write, get something started. Besides, I started with base charas, and hopefully, you'll see them change as the story progresses.
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Posted: Sat Feb 18, 2006 4:10 pm
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Posted: Sat Feb 18, 2006 4:30 pm
Sergeant Sargent While reading this early on I got the picture of being in a sandy area with large open streets, sort of like Agraba in Aladin, which is funny because you never described it that way and I was a little frazzled when it actually started to snow. You too rofl ?
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Posted: Sat Feb 18, 2006 6:14 pm
Prairie_Fire Sergeant Sargent While reading this early on I got the picture of being in a sandy area with large open streets, sort of like Agraba in Aladin, which is funny because you never described it that way and I was a little frazzled when it actually started to snow. You too rofl ? Make that three.
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Sui the foot doktor Vice Captain
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Jasper Riddle Vice Captain
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Posted: Sat Feb 18, 2006 6:20 pm
[ Message temporarily off-line ]
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Posted: Sat Feb 18, 2006 6:23 pm
gonk Great. I've--somehow--turned a forest-area into a desert. How the hell did I pull that one off? gonk gonk
sad How am i supposed to show where they are?
And just so you guys know, there was an info-intro at the very beginning that I eliminated for obvious reasons.
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Jasper Riddle Vice Captain
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Posted: Sat Feb 18, 2006 9:29 pm
Jasper Riddle gonk Great. I've--somehow--turned a forest-area into a desert. How the hell did I pull that one off? gonk gonk sad How am i supposed to show where they are? And just so you guys know, there was an info-intro at the very beginning that I eliminated for obvious reasons. It's not that hard--have Nyte walk into a couple trees or something. Kassix can complain about mosquitos and Davri can accidentally wipe with poison ivy. You get the idea.
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