Welcome to Gaia! ::

Yo, its predictable me again... I don't mean to bother anyone, I know that I am shouldn't waste your time like this from what others have taught me before. But I really could use someone's help, I am completely having another mental breakdown. I have been having re-occurring nightmares once again about my past and about the fear of going back to school to the same old nonsense where I doing some of the most humiliating things (which is not the part I am upset about, I consider them a blessing) but no one ever wants to hang out with me or fellowship with me at all. Sometimes I wonder if anyone cares the fact that I cute myself at night just so that I can clear my mind. I pray and pray and pray and pray and it is always the same, no one respects me, they only use me like a tool and when this tool is broken and seeking to be fixed and I go to my so called brethren for some support and prayer and they look at me as if I have three eyes. I can't stand it anymore, the pain is so intense that I could gouge my eyes out right now and that still couldn't quell the pain. Forgive me....

Yeah, except when it is everyone that does it. I have never in my life have had away from the hell that perpetually surrounds me. I try to dull the noise of the torment by quoting as much Scripture as I can but it never stops. I want the world to suffer the pain I have gone through. Why is it that people who proclaim they want acceptance themselves persecute others? Why is it that for my whole life I have known nothing else but pain and suffering? Why is it that I see my peers who accept Christ prosper more and more, while I sink further and further into the hell of my mind crying out with all my heart, "My God save me from the night, put an end to this hell." Yet day after day it never ends. I will put an end to this, one way or another. I think somebody else has a thread about suicide and whether or not it is sinful. Well, let me ask you: Is it still a sin where you are dying on the inside from this rotting mind...

Sorry for my ranting. Right now I am numb both physically and mentally from this pain and I really need someone to at least give me some feed back. Obviously I have been praying, it helps though when you have someone to talk with about it though, granted God does speak to us, but right now my mind is numb due to the pain and I am hard of hearing, again forgive me...

i understand your position because i have been in it myself and i think i have a few tips for you. first, i want to address that way you keep apologizing for your prayer requests. it seems that you don't think your problems are as important as those of the other guild members. i understand how you would develop that mindset with the way the people around you have been treating you, but it is certainly not true. anything you have to say or ask is just as important as the comments of others. everyone in this guild is here for you and eager to help. second, i want to talk about the issue of people using you. it's not right for them to treat you that way, but the only way to make it stop is to stand up for yourself. when people find others who are willing to always help them without complaint, they will continue to go to that person. it may be that they genuinely don't know you feel used, or it may be that they know you won't fight back. either way, you need to tell these people what you tell us, that you feel mistreated and want to be respected and treated like a real person and not just a tool, and you want the same assistance that you are always willing to give. you may find that some people begin showing you the respect you deserve. those who don't are not good people for you to be around. you shouldn't let those who make you miserable control the way you feel. ignore them. it may be that you are around these people because God is trying to direct you toward a one-track mind for him. sometimes a place where there is no one but you and God is the best place to be. fellowship is important, but sometimes it isn't what you need. think of it like a couple. it's fun to go on group dates, but sometimes you need some one-on-one time.