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 Posted: Tue Jan 26, 2010 5:58 pm
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Posted: Tue Jan 26, 2010 6:00 pm
Name: Jasmine Rousse
Nicknames: n/a
Age: 17
Birthday: February 3rd
Sign: Aquarius
Blood Type: O
Fav. Food: Cherries (Spitting out seeds are so fun)
Hated Food: Kiwis (Ugh! All the tiny seeds! The weird taste! And it's fuzzy)
School: Crystal
Hobbies: Violent Movies – A hobby that her parents would be horrified to learn about. Jasmine enjoys watching violent movies, particularly ones that involve lots of gunfire or horror. The thrill and suspense in the movie makes her heart beat fast and it’s like getting a dose of adrenaline without doing anything life-threatening. Since she has to keep it a secret from her parents, she usually watches on her phone or laptop when she has the time.
Shooting – After watching some movies, Jasmine picked up the hobby of shooting. However, due to her parents she keeps it under the radar as well. Whenever she can she drives out to forests and shooting ranges to practice her shooting skills with different guns, such as handguns and shotguns, though she's best with an air rifle. Due to school and the classes her parents signed her up for; however, Jasmine usually doesn't get the chance to practice and relieve stress.
Piano – One of the things that her parents signed her up for when she was a kid. At first she didn’t like it, but has grown to appreciate and enjoy it. Jasmine’s skills have gotten to the point where she can now learn complicated classical pieces on her own. A majority of the time she practices classical songs, but also plays modern and anime songs upon request from follow classmates and friends, sometimes even her siblings.
Gemstone: Tourmaline
Virtues: Like a swan – Being born and raised in a high-class family, it’s unsurprising to notice how lady-like and graceful Jasmine acts. Her posture is always erect, her gestures smooth and small, and her expression usually kept in a polite smile. When she walks, it’s like she’s walking on air. Even her voice is soft and serene, pleasing to the ear. She tries to conduct herself properly and somewhat formally, giving off the image of a refined and sophisticated flower.
Cool as a clam – Jasmine rarely panics or angers, or at least it doesn’t blatantly show on her face. After years of many sharp criticisms from family members, parents included, she has learned to toughen up and does not let unsettling comments set her off edge. She’s also able to patiently wait for others, whether it’s when they’re running late or their skills are not on par with hers. Jasmine is also able to keep her cool in times of danger or scrutiny. Pulling off the main role in a play is a cinch. Being stalked by a stranger? No problem, her teachers taught her what to do. She doesn’t let the panic sink in and is able to rationally think up a plan.
It’s exactly 3.14 centimeters – Jasmine is meticulous with her work. When she measures, she measures with a keen eye and makes sure she’s as exact as possible. When told to write down what she observes, she writes as many details as she can possibly can. When she shoots she takes her time to aim as well as possible and paints her strokes just so. It’s useful in that Jasmine can keep track of minute details as well as numbers for exact measurements.
Flaws: It has to be perfect – Jasmine’s parents have placed high expectations on her since birth and she doesn’t want to disappoint, can’t disappoint. Things have to be clean and in order. Assignments must go above and beyond the bare minimum. Grades must be A’s. If something’s not perfect in Jasmine’s eyes, she’s going to want to fix it, especially if it pertains to her in some way (group project, appearance of partner, her test scores, etc.) Humans are one of the few exceptions to this aspect of Jasmine. She realizes that humans are not perfect, not even herself, but she sure as hell can try to be perfect.
Keep everything on the inside – She is all smiles and composed, appearing to be hardly irked or saddened by others. Although Jasmine is able to keep herself in check to remain dandy and smiling, her negative emotions collect over time. The stress of trying to do so well and insecurities caused by harsh criticisms and insults build into one giant mountain of fury. She usually blows all of her angry energy away by trashing her room or shooting things with her air rifle. Afterwards she acts a bit sullen, but eventually resumes being her usual self.
Heading for a meltdown – Jasmine has multiple outlets to relieve stress, but can't seem to find enough time to properly unwind. This leads to a number of "mini-meltdowns". Triggered by a series of stressful/negative events, she becomes more violent and hostile, treating others more like dolls to be abused than people to respect. Her rationality also becomes skewed, no longer is she a meticulous, calm perfectionist, but a volatile bully. Despite her attempts to rectify this, they still doggedly continue.
Physical Description:
Hair: Pale blond, straight, and ends a few inches past her shoulders. She has a few bangs that obscure most of her forehead. Namine as reference for hair
Eyes: Her eyes are a bright shade of yellow-green and large.
Face: Small, soft, and heart-shaped. Pale skin.
Body: Jasmine is slender and petite, standing at an average 5’3”. With a small chest and child-like face and body, she is often mistaken for a child.
Fashion: She dresses simply and stylishly. She likes to layer up on plain tops and do her hair up in various styles. Although she likes to wear jeans and such, Jasmine usually dresses in skirts and dresses. Her clothes are often solid-colored or have little graphics on them, preferring simple-looking clothes. She switches between wearing converses and boots.
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Posted: Tue Jan 26, 2010 6:01 pm
Lieutenant Childrenite
Challenge: Want to play a game?
Uniform: Top -- Something along the lines of classic/serious lolita. Some examples: one two three
Trimming/accents would preferably be yellow, diamond theme
Bottoms -- Up to artist
Gloves -- Up to artist
Belt -- Up to artist
Shoes -- Black chunky heel shoes with ankle straps. Perhaps like this?
Shoulders -- Up to artist
Accessories -- Up to artist
Weapon Evolution: Lieutenant Parasol: A Victorian parasol that won't necessarily keep her safe from rain, but can be useful at blocking certain attacks! It can also be used to smack people when it's closed.
Captain Shield Parasol: The parasol design is still Victorian, but when Childrenite opens the umbrella, it can be used to block low- or medium-level physical and magical attacks.
General Secret Parasol: It appears to still be a regular parasol, Childrenite can actually split the umbrella into two parts. The handle becomes a plain, thin sword while the hood becomes a sturdy shield.
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Posted: Tue Jan 26, 2010 6:02 pm
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Posted: Tue Jan 26, 2010 6:03 pm
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Posted: Tue Jan 26, 2010 10:07 pm
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Posted: Mon Mar 01, 2010 6:25 pm
Heya Syu!
I love the idea behind her. Pent up anger can lead to a lot of things.
I would enjoy reading how she managed to get involved with the Negaverse? I understand she enjoys violence but many of her virtues point to a nice, polite young girl. Her flaws do make sense and seem to point towards it, but it relies heavily on her "not so nice" flaw. Just wondering if there's more to it.
Water Guns FTW.
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Posted: Wed Mar 03, 2010 9:43 pm
Thanks Never!
Finally got around to typing up a brief reason as to why she'd want to join the Negaverse. So basically: Release anger and the Negaverse seem more perfect/better.
Yeah, I like her weapon route. x3 Can't find another gun-esque weapon that isn't too dangerous though. x_o
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Posted: Thu Mar 04, 2010 3:38 am
Crit!
I'm going to be blunt: There's work to be done with this one. This character does not come across as very realistic, the way she is written now. I can't think of a gentle way to put this, but I don't buy her "Not-so-Nice" trait or her reason for being a part of the Negaverse, not even a little bit. The supporting traits are not there; in fact, the traits that she has are more contradictory in the way that their rationale has been presented, and it prevents me from feeling anything other than complete disbelief when this trait turns up.
Now, that said, I think there's a lot that is salvageable about this character; it just needs to be repackaged from a different angle. If this trait is going to be believable, pretty much everything else needs to point right at it from the first virtue to the last flaw - and it needs to be kept within reasonable limits. People "going missing" is way over the top for a pre-corrupted civilian, especially one that doesn't have supporting traits that make you think "damn, this is a chick that knows where to hide a body." If someone went missing because of her, she would be caught, and that would be the end of it.
Regarding her actual character traits: The main problem that there is with them, if you're going to have a trait like Not-so-Nice, is that they're packed too genuinely. She loves talking with others! She's optimistic and energetic! She doesn't get angry! Except when she starts ******** killing people. Let's try reframing these ideas, like this: She is good at talking with others because she knows it is expected of her, and she is always there to help friends because she's afraid of what people will think of her if she turns them down. She's always smiling, not because she's optimistic or energetic, but because she's sure that that is what everyone expects of her. She doesn't show stress when she's waiting for others or being put under pressure because she's stowing it away later.
You see how that works? The only problem is, this turns most of your virtues into flaws - but when they're true virtues as you've written them here, they clash with the sort of character you're trying to make. A character that has a bright outlook on life does not turn into a murderer "because it looks fun." In fact, if they have a genuinely bright outlook on life, that generally means that they have that special sort of attitude that lets you be happy in spite of stress or situation, and negates the pent-up stress angle; it's not "let's tear apart the room screaming until I stop hating the world", it's "things can only get better from here, so let's do our homework!"
You may also need to restructure her hobbies somewhat, if you're trying to push the pent-up stress angle. One thing to recognize is that hobbies are a character's way of coping with stress - and she has a spread that, for a balanced character, would be excellent, but for an unbalanced character like you're trying to create, are too effective. Why would a character feel a need to go around killing people if they've got two forms of self-expression that they adore and do regularly, plus two quasi-violent activities to work out the rest of their aggression? Now, say that her parents found out about her gory movie watching and put an end to it; say that she hated piano practice, and her paintings have been criticized so badly that she doesn't have a taste for it anymore. Now the only thing she loves is shooting, and she doesn't even have a lot of opportunity to do that, and goddamn it cans aren't replacement for her parent's heads! Then we're starting to push it to the level that you'd need to justify the "Not-so-Nice" flaw, the way you currently have it set up.
Though on that note - guns are a pretty tricky deal in the shop. I think you have it about as well-limited as this weapon can get, but it's also hard to justify the logic behind using a limited weapon like an air rifle for an "ultimate" weapon form, when there are better weapons available IC - but that would be too OP out of character to allow. I've got no clue what the shop or the critters would say about it, but I'd strongly advise that, if you have a different idea for a weapon you can use, you go for that instead.
I think that covers most of the points that came to mind when I was reading this. This is going to be a very difficult character to develop properly - and it'll be really difficult, if you get her, once she starts actually getting corrupted by the Negaverse! As it stands, there's a lot of revision that I think you're going to have to do, just to get her to make sense as a character. If you're determined to do it, though, I do think that it is possible - and I think you have a good base for your concept already - but you're going to have to work really hard to navigate the contradictions in her personality.
Sorry that I couldn't leave a friendlier crit, but good luck!
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Posted: Thu Mar 04, 2010 9:14 pm
Thanks Arrien!
As I look her over, she actually made me think of those unrealistic characters people find in manga. /lame comparison
I was going for a nice-but-has-issues type of character, which can be difficult to pull off, so I'm really glad you pointed that out.
I've switched out the last 2 virtues with someone that doesn't make her quite so optimistic/friendly as well as changed the last flaw. Still working on the last flaw though, so any suggestions on what to do with it would be really helpful. I was thinking of a "meltdown" flaw where she has multiple mini-meltdowns (ie. sharp and snappy tone, acting stressed, a bit violent), but not sure if that's a "good" flaw.
Working on rewriting her hobbies.
I realize that, but any other weapon ideas doesn't seem to suit Sophia in my mind. I've played with the idea of a knife/war cleaver evolution chain, but I keep drifting back to the gun evolution. I'll put in the other weapon route and see what the critters have to say.
Again, thanks so much, Arrien! I am determined to get Sophia to work and I'll continue to tweak her as needed. Your crit's been really useful.
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Posted: Thu Mar 04, 2010 10:35 pm
First off: I like the new virtues! They speak more of the character's abilities, which gives us an idea of how Sophia might be utilized when working for the Negaverse or working with other characters. I'd like to see some more application of the Precision virtue to her hobbies, though - connect it to her paintings, for example, or how she approaches piano-playing, so that it integrates more with her character. I was surprised that you took out the horror movie hobby, though; I actually thought that one brought some depth to her character. If you're going to keep it off the list, though, you need to edit the Shooting hobby as well so that it doesn't reference it.
I also liked your idea for a "meltdown" flaw. If well-played, that is one of those flaws that could easily push into a strong character weakness. I'd actually want to see you take it further than her getting a little bit angry or huffy, and have it affect the way she handles things around her (try to apply it, especially, to how it would affect her in a combat situation - what advantage would it give an potential opponent? How does this make her vulnerable?) The one you've marked down right now, I'm not so certain about - it isn't strong enough, and it feels a bit too "cool" because it doesn't hinder her abilities significantly. The idea with weaknesses, at least how I understand them to be considered in the shop, is that they should have a strong potential of making your character seem, maybe not just a bit out of control, but pathetic or stupid. Consider them to be triggers for your character to lose poise and become vulnerable; if they aren't completing that task, then it isn't an effective weakness.
I'm not sure what I think about the new weapon evolution yet; maybe if there was a better description of what the weapons were like? As a by; I was thinking more on the gun issue, and one thing that I thought of was the potential for a Negaverse officer to use a tranquilizer gun. It still might be tricky to get by the shop, but it would navigate both the IC challenges of justifying the bad guys utilizing a form of a normally lethal weapon in a less-lethal way, while also addressing the OOC issues of not having an overpowered weapon. It's something to consider, anyway - I still have no clue what the shop would allow or disallow.
Anyway, it's looking better. :> Keep it up!
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Posted: Fri Mar 05, 2010 5:37 pm
Elaborated on her precision virtue by applying it to some of her hobbies. The reason I took off that hobby in the first place was because I wasn't sure if I wanted it there or not, but I've added it back in now (rewrote it so it's a bit shorter in description).
Yeah, I didn't think the sensitive flaw was much of a flaw, but wasn't sure if doing the meltdown flaw would make her virtues as strong or not (ie. She's nice until she gets angry, where all hell breaks loose). Switched it for the meltdown flaw though. Not sure if the effects are too much though.
Added some pictures for the cleaver route. I've used your tranquilizer gun idea as well, but wasn't sure if it'd be odd to go from air rifle to tranquilizer gun, so I made an edited route for it.
Again, thanks Arrien. You've been a lot of help. ^^
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