|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 Posted: Wed Mar 19, 2008 6:06 pm
The teardrops flow red from her unseeing eyes.
For a long time now, she's been blinded,
Blinded by his lies.
Now she sits waiting, wanting to be found.
She keeps hoping, praying,
But he's never around.
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Mar 20, 2008 7:28 am
Okay, well, it's not the best poem I've ever read, BUT, it could very possibly not be the worst, either! So... yay! Um, I'd just work on the flow a bit, you know, the rhythm or rhyme or whatever you're going for. And it's a bit short, when you're doing something this small I think it needs to be pretty intense, you know, and this just doesn't really have that zing. Also, the whole lying-boyfriend, crying-blood, all-alone things are kind of over-done, so it'd be nice to see something more original. Yep.
(To the regulars: I'm trying to be nicer, how'd I do?)
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Mar 20, 2008 5:05 pm
She rhymed eyes and lies. *sigh*
Look, BVR, this doesn't feel like a poem. It has *some* [sparse] good qualities, but really, I'd like to see something with a little more...zing, as Elv put it.
Honestly, I couldn't tell this poem from any other poem about an unfaithful boyfriend, except perhaps that it doesn't seem to have any real ethic behind it, and very, very little story.
Succinctly, it could be worse, but you might have to work harder on that than making it better.
Points to work on:
The actual physical aspects of poetry
--->Length
--->Rhythm
--->Rhyme
and the ideals to uphold in every poem
--->Creativity
--->Potency
--->and Purpose
~~~
And on a side note, that was a very tasteful post. However, I'm not sure I would actually do anything if I had heard that. THIS is where you really need to harp.
I wasn't asking you to be meek--a critic still has to be critical. I was just asking you to be a little less...snarky.
Still, I'm very proud of you, Elv. You got your point across without using the words "massacre" or "eyes bleeding". 4/5 for your post, 2/5 (maybe) for the poem as is.
Love and Vale,
-Valens
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Mar 24, 2008 11:27 pm
I can't add too much to what has been said. It's difficult to accurately or insightfully critique a poem of this length/content.
What this actually feels like to me is a single verse in a song. If you put in one or two more verses and a chorus, you might have a good song. You don't play any instruments, do you?
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Mar 30, 2008 3:39 pm
Varos, since you've not taken a university level Poetry class, and me being someone who has, let me tell you something:
Poetry is as random as any other form of artwork.
With that said, BVR can basically ignore what you wrote. Poetry serves a multitude of purposes, first and foremost to express the emotion of the writer. Not everyone is a flippant or flamboyant or versed the art of taking 4 pages to get across ideas as you are, at times, vagueness is a good thing.
If anything its hardly cliche. Most girls I know that go through break ups write novel length poetry. None of which is ever read. The fact that BVR can sum up what she's feeling in so few words is astounding and I give her full credit for it.
And Varos, don't get me started on free verse, or I swear you'll never critique poetry again, that isn't a threat, its more of a sorrowful acknowledgement of how much I hate free verse.
Admittedly, it isn't the best, but I like it because its short, like poetry should be, and its amateur poetry, which means I don't have to be a mind reader to figure what the hell you're trying to say in it. I know the feeling BVR, from a guy's perspective though, nothing feels worse than the person you love telling you that they don't want to be with you anymore.
the Lion
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Mar 30, 2008 6:37 pm
*sigh* Lion, you just contradicted yourself. You call poetry random, but you claim to hate free verse. You say poetry is supposed to be short, but packed with emotion, and somehow...vague, too?
I don't think you really know what you want where poetry is concerned. Of course, I would think that misinterpreting or misunderstanding the very subject itself would throw anyone off.
-Valens
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Nov 30, 2008 2:19 pm
wow...that's incredible. i wish i could write poetry like that.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Fri Mar 13, 2009 9:38 am
i ABSOLUTLY love how i can feel the girl's desolation and do it all in one short verse. i'm kinda jelouse cos short poems are quite hard for me.
and i like how that it doesnt conform to "convention" with rythms and what not. i never enjoyed trying to make things rhyme or give them a beat.
poems are all about expressing and releasing emotion and you have done that so thumbs up and a virtual gold star :p
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Reply
