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 Posted: Mon Nov 19, 2007 6:13 pm
Congratulations Marin1 and MSh3pard for a tie in week 4.
The 2 posts from week 4 Prillupop and Possesive that were posted today will be counted for week 5 since the new week's start on monday. Start your jokes when you are ready.
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Posted: Mon Nov 19, 2007 9:18 pm
yay! thanks! i love my gift!! here's my entry for this week:
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
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Posted: Tue Nov 20, 2007 9:40 am
Okay, then I'll just re-post it!
A guy and his friend were out hunting when, suddenly, the friend falls down, convulsing. The convulsion stop, and the friend is silent, his eyes glazed over.
The guy proceeds to call 911.
Operator: "State you emergency"
Guy: "My friend just collapsed, and was flailing all over, now he's just laying there, silent, with his eyes glazed over, what do I do?"
Operator: "First, let's make sure your friend is dead."
*Silence, then a gunshot is heard*
Guy: "Okay, now what?"
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Posted: Tue Nov 20, 2007 2:16 pm
Four men are golfing one day. The First man steps up to tee and states boastfully "My Son is so rich that he bought his lover a house".
The second man steps up to tee and says, "Well, MY son is so rich that he bought his lover a new car".
The third man steps up and says, "My son is so wealthy that he bought his lover a whole summer home in Miami."
Finally, the fourth man goes to tee and he says, "Well, my son isn't rich and self made like yours and he's gay, and from what I hear, despite my objections, he has 3 separate lovers and from them he just got a new house, a new car, and a summer home in Miami."
(last weeks joke explained. the 3rd guy was sleeping with the first guys wife, hid in the refrigerator and died when it was thrown off the belcony.)
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Posted: Tue Nov 20, 2007 3:22 pm
((Thanks for the gift!!))
A marine general, an army general and a navy admiral were
discussing who had the toughest men. The army general says, "Alright,
I'll prove the army has the toughest men in the country. Private, get over
here!"
The private reports as ordered, "Yes sir?"
The general says, "See that man over there? Kill him!"
Without hesitating, the private kills the man.
The general says, "See? That man has balls!"
The marine general says, That's nothing. Private, get over here!"
The marine private reports, "Yes, sir?"
The marine general says, "See that man over there? Kill him and
then kill yourself."
Without blinking, the marine private pulls out his M-16 and blows
away the guy, then turns the rifle on himself and unloads several rounds.
The marine general says, "See? Now that man has balls!"
The admiral says, "That's nothing."
He calls to a seaman high up on a tower, "Hey, seaman, jump off
that tower!"
The seaman answers, "Excuse me, sir?"
The admiral repeats, "JUMP OFF THAT TOWER!"
The seaman replies, "Screw you, sir!"
The admiral says, "See? That man has balls and he's got brains
too!"
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Posted: Wed Nov 21, 2007 8:55 am
Demonlady33 Four men are golfing one day. The First man steps up to tee and states boastfully "My Son is so rich that he bought his lover a house". The second man steps up to tee and says, "Well, MY son is so rich that he bought his lover a new car". The third man steps up and says, "My son is so wealthy that he bought his lover a whole summer home in Miami." Finally, the fourth man goes to tee and he says, "Well, my son isn't rich and self made like yours and he's gay, and from what I hear, despite my objections, he has 3 separate lovers and from them he just got a new house, a new car, and a summer home in Miami." (last weeks joke explained. the 3rd guy was sleeping with the first guys wife, hid in the refrigerator and died when it was thrown off the belcony.) LOL if i dont win, she better! lol
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Posted: Wed Nov 21, 2007 10:18 am
MSh3pard Demonlady33 Four men are golfing one day. The First man steps up to tee and states boastfully "My Son is so rich that he bought his lover a house". The second man steps up to tee and says, "Well, MY son is so rich that he bought his lover a new car". The third man steps up and says, "My son is so wealthy that he bought his lover a whole summer home in Miami." Finally, the fourth man goes to tee and he says, "Well, my son isn't rich and self made like yours and he's gay, and from what I hear, despite my objections, he has 3 separate lovers and from them he just got a new house, a new car, and a summer home in Miami." (last weeks joke explained. the 3rd guy was sleeping with the first guys wife, hid in the refrigerator and died when it was thrown off the belcony.) LOL if i dont win, she better! lol thanks. lol. If i don't won i really hope you do. That one is super funny.
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Posted: Wed Nov 21, 2007 7:42 pm
A guy's in the bar when an alien from outer space walks through the door and sits next to him.
The drunk thinks nothing of it, trying to maintain good inter- galactic peace, and all.
The alien orders himself a drink. When he's halfway through with the drink, he licks his green finger, and then sticks the finger in the drunk's ear.
The drunk's irritated, but again, in the interest of seeing there's no interstellar war, he says nothing.
The alien pulls his finger out, finishes his drink, and then orders another one. Once he reaches the half-way point in that drink, he again licks his finger, then puts that finger into the drunk's ear.
"Hey, Buddy, how 'bout let's lay off the ear pokin', what do you say?"
Well, as you know, halfway through the alien's third drink, the alien licks and sticks once again. The drunk has forgotten his peaceful ways and says, as forcibly as he can, "Look, jerk, if you do that again, I'm gonna rip your balls off!"
The alien orders one more drink. Stirs it for awhile . . . and, you guessed it, licks that green finger and again sticks it right in the drunk's ear.
"DANGMAN!!!" the drunk roars, and reaches between the alien's legs to carry out his threat. But there's "nothing there".
The drunk's a little confused. "Man, if you've got no balls, then how do you screw?"
The alien licks his finger and sticks it in the drunk's ear.
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Posted: Wed Nov 21, 2007 8:09 pm
is it alrite if i post another joke?
or is it once per week
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Posted: Wed Nov 21, 2007 8:36 pm
Probably only one per week, it is a contest after all.
What if Mother Goose had tendencies and propensities
toward verbosity and prolixity?
Jack becomes dexterous,
Jack becomes able to attain high velocity,
Jack forms a trajectory over the illuminating apparatus of
ozocitereous structure.
Mary was formerly the owner and proprietor of a pygmy Ovis aries,
It possessed an outer wool covering which had the characteristic
pallidness much like that found in the appearance of crystalline
precipitation,
And to each point in space that Mary would venture to,
The aforementioned Ovis aries would participate with a high degree of
certainty.
Diminutive Jack Horner
Was seated at the perpendicular conjunction of three planar surfaces,
Ingesting his baked Yuletide pastry.
He inserted his opposable digit,
And excavated a specimen of genus Prunus,
And remarked, "What a benevolent adolescent I have become!"
Lilliputian damsel Muffet
Was rested upon a squatty seating apparatus,
Ingesting the lacteal substances in her possession.
At this point arrived an arachnid
Which inhabited the immediate vicinity of the maiden,
And, true to the fundamental principles of stimulus and response,
arose trepidation in the damsel with sufficient efficiency so as
to induce the aforementioned maiden to change locale.
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Posted: Thu Nov 22, 2007 1:44 pm
There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except.... and he stopped. "Except what?" the man asked. "Nothing, nothing." "C'mon, tell me! I need something!" "Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo d**k.'" "So what's up with this voodoo d**k?" he asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it and there lay a very ordinary-looking d***o. The businessman laughed, and said "Big ******** deal. It looks like every other d***o in this shop!" The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo d**k, the door." The voodoo d**k rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo d**k, get back in your box!" The voodoo d**k stopped, floated back to the box and lay there quiescent once more. "I'll take it!" said the businessman. The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special d***o and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo d**k, my p***y." He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.
After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo d**k. She got it out, and said "Voodoo d**k, my p***y!" The voodoo d**k shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the d***o. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo d**k was stuck in her p***y, and wouldn't stop screwing.
The officer looked at her for a second, and then said "Yeah, right.. Voodoo d**k, my a**!"
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Posted: Mon Nov 26, 2007 6:15 pm
Prillupop's joke was well executed and easy to understand. Well done. Her joke was displayed in week 4 but is counted in week 5.
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Posted: Mon Nov 26, 2007 6:32 pm
MSh3pard yay! thanks! i love my gift!! here's my entry for this week: Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday. Very easy to understand and funny, well done.
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Posted: Mon Nov 26, 2007 6:34 pm
Possesive Okay, then I'll just re-post it!A guy and his friend were out hunting when, suddenly, the friend falls down, convulsing. The convulsion stop, and the friend is silent, his eyes glazed over. The guy proceeds to call 911. Operator: "State you emergency" Guy: "My friend just collapsed, and was flailing all over, now he's just laying there, silent, with his eyes glazed over, what do I do?" Operator: "First, let's make sure your friend is dead." *Silence, then a gunshot is heard* Guy: "Okay, now what?" Easy to understand, funny but almost too serious.
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Posted: Mon Nov 26, 2007 6:37 pm
Demonlady33 Four men are golfing one day. The First man steps up to tee and states boastfully "My Son is so rich that he bought his lover a house". The second man steps up to tee and says, "Well, MY son is so rich that he bought his lover a new car". The third man steps up and says, "My son is so wealthy that he bought his lover a whole summer home in Miami." Finally, the fourth man goes to tee and he says, "Well, my son isn't rich and self made like yours and he's gay, and from what I hear, despite my objections, he has 3 separate lovers and from them he just got a new house, a new car, and a summer home in Miami." (last weeks joke explained. the 3rd guy was sleeping with the first guys wife, hid in the refrigerator and died when it was thrown off the belcony.) Ok, now I understand yours from last week. Your new one is funny with a twist. Good job. It was also much easier to understand.
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Reply
