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 Posted: Sun Dec 02, 2012 3:56 pm
LP Hi Verithe! Interesting Quest you have here~ I wanted to mention a few things that I noticed while being nosey, that maybe minor (and you're free to dismiss if you feel the need since I'm not staff). Since he's 19 I don't believe you have to mention he's in school if you don't want to since you placed non-specified art school. Destiny has a few school lists but I don't think you 100% have to follow those. Does he have a job outside of going to an art school? However, and I'm not sure with DMC but I believe the max age for a Character to be a senshi is 18 (they don't have to awaken right then, they could be awakened later). I know I had this discussion ages ago before the DMC existed so things might have changed (thus don't quote me) but just in case keep in mind you might have to pop him down a year. I believe Sailor Aster has a similar attack in which she uses sunflower seeds to pelt the enemy with. However, Gale-force speed maybe a little muchness at the base level, even for a DMC. To me that would be like saying a F1 Tornado does the same amount of damage an F5 does. I could see going a high rate of speed - sort of like base ball pitch speeds. Specially with the amount of damage you describe happening. Because if this was gale force wind speed you'd very likely make mince meat out of the target. Also, Unflappable to me reads.... a little flat. Something to think about with the flaws and virtues is how these would help/hinder him? And You kind of go that way with the Observant trait and you do seem to do it well with the Flaws (and flaws are often easier to word from my experience.) You also seem to cover in some of them how they effect him on a daily basis. Something I sometimes find helpful if I'm having trouble is nosing through threads that are in the accepted forum and have crits on them. Often times these crits lead to wonderful questions that totally help the profile. 3nodding If you're still playing while waiting for a mod to poke in and comment. Hey, LP! Thanks for looking in! I was told earlier that the max for senshi was 21. Did that change? I am so confused! gonk I did want to keep him in a non-specific art college that is not among the list of predetermined schools. His part-time job is already mentioned. If I have to specify/name the school, I can do that. When I say gale-force, I mean something around an 8 on the Beaufort scale (which is actually called a "gale"). Not really that strong. Professional baseball pitches can be closer to a strong gale or even a storm (9 or 10 on the Beaufort scale). Also, since this is flimsy plant matter and not a wind, it won't be inflicting nearly the damage you describe. It shouldn't inflict any. Sailor Aster's seed attacks are, admittedly, similar. I'm hoping that Celemorrow's seed attack is different enough for it to not matter. The virtues....I don't know what to do with them at this point. crying Emry's kind-of a jerk and it's hard for me to get his good points to shine through all that in my mind. For Unflappable, I'm trying to get across that he doesn't succumb to emotional distractions as often as the average person. It's a sort of good side to being Emotionally Cold. I...could really use suggestions here.
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Posted: Sun Dec 02, 2012 4:27 pm
You're welcome =3
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From what I know the senshi age cut off is 18 (high school age). Always has been to my knowledge, so you may want to ask gms to insure that hasn't changed but from what I've seen there was no announcement made about that. However, I had a character that was over 18 when I go her, and near 21 when I made her quest and was confirmed it wouldn't work with a gm because of the cut off.
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Ah okay I see, I just know that there are leaves that can make some mean cuts so just insuring the type of leaf your using is specified maybe useful here.
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Hm if you give me a little bit of time I'll see if I can think of any suggestions for that.
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Posted: Sun Dec 02, 2012 5:14 pm
LP From what I know the senshi age cut off is 18 (high school age). Always has been to my knowledge, so you may want to ask gms to insure that hasn't changed but from what I've seen there was no announcement made about that. However, I had a character that was over 18 when I go her, and near 21 when I made her quest and was confirmed it wouldn't work with a gm because of the cut off. Alright, I'll check on that. It shouldn't be too much of a problem to make him 17 or 18 and still in college. I started college at 17 and I wasn't even the youngest in my class, so I know that much can work. Emry's birthday is in April, so his circumstances would have to be different than mine. Quote: Ah okay I see, I just know that there are leaves that can make some mean cuts so just insuring the type of leaf your using is specified maybe useful here. Oh, yes, definitely! Magnolia tepals are sturdier than many flower petals but they are nothing near a yucca's leaves or....that one plant that I read about that you can pretty much brush against it and cut your hand off but I forget its name. Quote: Hm if you give me a little bit of time I'll see if I can think of any suggestions for that. Thanks!
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Posted: Sun Dec 02, 2012 10:58 pm
Hi there, Verithe! I sorta love that you're doing magnolias, haha. I grew up with one in my front yard and I would use the leaves to build houses and boats for toys all the time. Of course, Celemorrow is like the dark version of all of that, but DMS is gonna DMS. I'm not much use on profile crits, but I can help out with the age issue. From the Senshi Faction thread in the Information! subforum: The Space Cauldron Is there an age limit for Senshi? - Yes! Regular senshi must be between the age of 14 and 20 when awakened (If you're older then 20 you can't become a senshi, sorry!). See below for information on younger senshi (chibis)The DMS Faction thread does not mention an age, but I think it is safe to defer to the above. There is also Sailor Remarque and Sailor Mjolnir. Of course, it's always still okay to check with the GMs or wait for their crit to be positive. c: Also, to help flesh out "unflappable," perhaps it would help to think of reasons that others would want Emry on their team/project, so to speak. Being able to stay on target and not succumb to petty (or legit) drama (simply restating what you've listed in his profile here) are good partner qualities that could very well balance out his... less than personable qualities. People put up with some nasty personalities for good results! So, perhaps looking at it from that angle would help beef it up.
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Posted: Sat Dec 08, 2012 11:16 am
Thanks, Aqua!
Added a bit to Self-Sufficient and a senshi concept sketch.
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Posted: Thu Dec 13, 2012 5:44 pm
Hey, Verithe! I've been kind of casually following your quest along, so I'm glad to have time enough to leave an official crit! You've put a lot of work into this character, and he's looking really good!
His civilian side won't need more than a few tweaks at most, so let me start with them!
School: It's probably not a big deal since the school name is nonspecific, however to save confusion, instead of using new schools, we typically say that if a character is studying a particular trade or skill, then they are doing so out of DCU. Online classes are an exception, but just in case it came up in roleplay or something, it might be easier if you wanted to say he was studying art at DCU since they have near to unlimited options for courses.
Hobbies:
All of these hobbies look solid to me! He has a vast array of interests, so I'm looking forward to getting to see them in play!
Virtues:
Reformer: This is the only one of his traits that I'm not totally sure reads as a trait for me. I'm trying to think of specifically how it could be something that is applicable in a wide variety of situations and is something people would admire him for, and while it does fit those traits, I think his position as a reformer sounds more like a hobby to me. There are a ton of options which could be used very similarly to this one—maybe inspirational, pro-active, passionate; I think with maybe relabeling this virtue and adding a little extra info, it'll be good to go!
Flaws:
These are all fabulous and definitely read as flaws for me!
For his powered:
Regarding his outfit, I figure you have enough options that you can work something out with an artist! I've never seen the overlay going off the shoulders, though I know the DMC is supposed to have a somewhat unified look, so I'm not 100% sure that the reference might work as is [though I noted that you mentioned alternatives in the options, so I know that this is something you've thought about].
For his attacks, the first thing I notice is that you have really low times for this, and I feel like you could up them!
For his basic attack, I would think since the tepals do very little damage and mostly just sting, it could last for longer than two seconds. Since it could be considered an offensive attack, I probably wouldn’t go for more than ten seconds on this, however two seconds is a very short time in a battle [unless you planned for him to be able to use it multiple times in battle?]. Otherwise, I think this looks good! Just let me know which works best for you!
For his super attack, I think this counts as a good upgrade; it covers more area, but essentially does the same amount of damage. That in mind, though, I would also up the duration of this one to maybe ten or fifteen seconds.
For his eternal attack, I think this could work if you could give me just a little more information! The first, about how many seeds would you estimate burst from the pod? Do they have the ability to do any damage [ie, scratch or bruise] or is their sole purpose to push the enemy back and knock the wind out of them? And stunning them for one round might work, however I am sometimes iffy about 'stunning for one round' as, during ORPs and the like, I can see people becoming confused or disadvantaged if they suddenly have many characters attack them in the same round. For that reason, I would suggest rephrasing it to last for fifteen seconds [since I imagine this could also constitute for the duration of 'one round' since battles are so quick paced]. And the last question about it! If you are going to include the extra description of the affect on an average, non-powered human, how long do you think they might fall unconscious for?
But! With that said, I think that's everything! I think you've got a really interesting concept here, so I'm very pleased to have gotten to spend some time on it! Give me a quote if you've got any questions or make any changes, and I'll be back ASAP!
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Posted: Sun Dec 30, 2012 11:08 pm
Thanks so much! I'm sorry I haven't gotten around to this until now. I made the switch to DCU. I forgot that glossing over what school he attends would restrict roleplay for a significant portion of his day. I changed Reformer to Pro-Active, since that seemed the most appropriate choice, and added a little bit to it. I upped the times for his first two attacks as suggested. Those times make sense. I haven't made any changes to his eternal attack just yet. I was thinking around 20-ish seeds (I'm not married to the number), but they don't spray or anything; they always remain in a loose softball-sized cluster as they hurtle through the air. If there's room for it, it would make sense for the attack to leave a bruise. I will certainly rephrase the length of the stun time to fifteen seconds. I'm willing to shorten that time, if it makes sense or it is necessary. For the knocking average, non-powered humans unconscious bit: I was mostly thinking that since the person is knocked down, they might hit their head and, humans being humans, they might fall unconscious. I was thinking that any actual unconsciousness would be determined OOC by either everyone participating in the battle or whoever was controlling that particular average human. I was mostly thinking this for NPCs, but if a player wanted to make their non-powered character fall unconscious, they would be able to. I think it might be best to drop this from the attack mechanics altogether. Would it still be possible for a non-powered human to fall unconscious from an attack, should their player wish it (and it made sense)?
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Posted: Mon Dec 31, 2012 11:31 pm
The changes look good to me! Regarding his eternal attack, thank you for the clarification! Twenty seeds sound good to me if they are going to stay in a cluster! And I think the blast could have the possibility to bruise [perhaps more so on lower level powered characters rather than higher level? Though, I would be comfortable with it bruising someone because this is non lethal or particularly impairing, provided it's not like, doing internal damage. But for a simple bruise, I would be comfortable with this!]. Fifteen seconds of stunning sounds good for a duration! In terms of non-humans being affected so strongly by the attack, I think this could work as long as it was presented as a possible outcome and not a guaranteed one. Since humans, unpowered, are weaker than powered characters, if there is consent from the other player for their character to be knocked unconscious, I think this would work. If the eternal attack can be changed to reflect these changes/clarifications, I think he'd be ready for a trial stamp!
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Posted: Tue Jan 01, 2013 12:28 am
Alright! I think I got everything. If I missed something or something needs rewording to make sense, please let me know!
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Posted: Tue Jan 01, 2013 12:04 pm
I think you got everything, too! He looks good to me, so I'm going to drop off a trial stamp and hand this over to a GM! Good luck getting him soon; I'm eager to see him played!
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Posted: Mon Jan 07, 2013 12:45 pm
You've been working on this for awhile! Way to stick with it. Approved!
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