CAN [Care for a Newb!] - Updates on Pg3!

[Adimurti]

akumestsi

Duly noted 3nodding

Good, good. biggrin

[Care for a Newb]

• I've updated this post with some sig images. If anyone would be willing to put them to use we'd be ever so grateful!
  
  
• The Poet Roster has been updated with our new Poet, rumirumirumirumi.
  
  
• The Newbies Roster has also been updated to include new Newbies, akumestsi and calviness - both still looking for a Poet.
  

[Elexa]

Adimurti

To be honest, I like this poem. I don't think you need any help with finding ideas that work well and learning how to recognise good ideas from weak ideas, but I think that working on following an idea to the end would be something to work on. I think I can see some transitions that you might have found without realising and that maybe led you from one idea to another (for example - turn a fish bowl upside-down and it looks pretty similar to a bulb).

I don't think there was much I could be terribly helpful with in this poem. It feels like this style is pretty much something you're in your comfort zone with and know your way around well enough to be able to produce a solid poem with some feedback and critique to tidy things up and maybe keep your ideas/transitions from feeling slightly choppy.

Would you like to post some edits on this piece and I'll re-crit those and give you some prompts to see if we can work on some of the things you mentioned in your form? I'm going away on Saturday (I'll be on my laptop while travelling, but then I won't be as active as usual until mid-week). So if you like I could post some prompts before then and that'll give you a few days to work on them before I'm back?

Hope you found this helpful. =]

Oh, very helpful. I definitely do need some practice with consistency, since I tend to switch metaphors whenever it's convenient rather than whenever it makes sense.
With the "clothy carapace" line I was really just trying to come up with a better way of saying "when I take off my clothes" and I'm a sucker for alliteration, but it is a little awkward, now that you mention it. I did feel like I needed the line to set up a sort of pun with "naked uncertainty," but I'm not quite sure if it gets there.
With this part

Quote:

but press a point too hard
and they send only testy nerve-missives in reply

I was really just riffing on the fact that they're boobz, hur hur, and honestly the whole situation is kind of absurd so I wanted to keep humor in there. But we'll see if I can't make it funny and have a consistent metaphor.
And I would loooove prompts. Break me out of my comfort zone. 3nodding I just don't promise great results. xp
Anyway, so I've redone the first 3 lines (which turned into... 10. That's another thing, my writing tends to expand with editing) but "clothy carapace" is killing me. gonk I should get another draft up today or tomorrow, though.

EDIT: Here's the next draft

It's the little cracks in my fishbowl mind
that leave my self-assurance gasping on dry land
and the little static shocks that send it belly-up.
So when this author ground impish feet into the rug
and tapped his finger on my water-home
it went off like a bomb.

One [Asian] writer's depth charge line about
how pink nipples must be more sensitive than brown
[which colors correspond to race, a thing I hate
for fish have no legs with which to run, haha]
and, shoving off my daily newsprint wrappings,
I find my little fish is stranded
for what once were the familiar rolling hills
supporting the dome of my sky-blue shirt
are now mountains of naked uncertainty.
I ask the tannish snowcaps if they can't reach some consensus
with the blushed pink peaks, but call too loudly among the crags
and you may invite a testy pebble
or an avalanche, the mountain's stern rejoinder
(they're sensitive, you know).

Perhaps I should be grateful for my quantum nipples,
but in my experience with milk and caramel parents
"both" is really "neither."

Color is subjective, but pink and brown aren't rainbow-neighbors
and the real question is "How yellow does that make me?"
A petulant mewl of "I don't know" may keep the world at bay
until your inner scientist dissects that forbidden portion of your heart.
[or, you know, other parts of your chest]
But stall too long and the impatient world will tick a box for you
and mark your mountains with unfamiliar monuments
and hand you a fish skin that crawls against your spine.

But really, if he hadn't gone and shackled my pink/brown breasts
to my epicanthic folds and amber skin
maybe I wouldn't still be tethered,
swimming my angsty circles when it's time to dry off
and put on a goddamn shirt.

[Lovers Never Tell]

Adimurti

Lovers Never Tell

Where be my newbs??? I want one to squeeze.

Well, I'm about to log on the mule and update the rosters, but there're a couple who haven't specified anyone in particular that you can snap up!

I could take on akumestsi. =3 She looks like she could use my talents.

OH! And can we be both a poet AND a newb?

[Adimurti]

Lovers Never Tell

Adimurti

Lovers Never Tell

Where be my newbs??? I want one to squeeze.

Well, I'm about to log on the mule and update the rosters, but there're a couple who haven't specified anyone in particular that you can snap up!

I could take on akumestsi. =3 She looks like she could use my talents.

OH! And can we be both a poet AND a newb?

Coolio. I'll update the roster when I get home - still at work yet.

And yeah, Poets can apply as Newbies as well. whee

[akumestsi]

Lovers Never Tell

Adimurti

Lovers Never Tell

Where be my newbs??? I want one to squeeze.

Well, I'm about to log on the mule and update the rosters, but there're a couple who haven't specified anyone in particular that you can snap up!

I could take on akumestsi. =3 She looks like she could use my talents.

OH! And can we be both a poet AND a newb?

:3 Guess this means I can start posting poetry (and writing more) whee

[Adimurti]

Elexa

Oh, very helpful. I definitely do need some practice with consistency, since I tend to switch metaphors whenever it's convenient rather than whenever it makes sense.
With the "clothy carapace" line I was really just trying to come up with a better way of saying "when I take off my clothes" and I'm a sucker for alliteration, but it is a little awkward, now that you mention it. I did feel like I needed the line to set up a sort of pun with "naked uncertainty," but I'm not quite sure if it gets there.
With this part

Quote:

but press a point too hard
and they send only testy nerve-missives in reply

I was really just riffing on the fact that they're boobz, hur hur, and honestly the whole situation is kind of absurd so I wanted to keep humor in there. But we'll see if I can't make it funny and have a consistent metaphor.

I think it's the grammar that's awkward, more than anything. I'm a sucker for alliteration, too, so I have no issues there. xp

Elexa

And I would loooove prompts. Break me out of my comfort zone. 3nodding I just don't promise great results. xp
Anyway, so I've redone the first 3 lines (which turned into... 10. That's another thing, my writing tends to expand with editing) but "clothy carapace" is killing me. gonk I should get another draft up today or tomorrow, though.

Like I said, I think the grammar's more the issue rather than your wording and use of alliteration. And don't worry about that - mine does the same and people will always be happy to tell you when something can/should be dropped if it doesn't improve on the previous draft by any amount. whee

Elexa

EDIT: Here's the next draft

It's the little cracks in my fishbowl mind
that leave my self-assurance gasping on dry land
and the little static shocks that send it belly-up.
So when this author ground impish feet into the rug
and tapped his finger on my water-home
it went off like a bomb.

One [Asian] writer's depth charge line about
how pink nipples must be more sensitive than brown
[which colors correspond to race, a thing I hate
for fish have no legs with which to run, haha]
and, shoving off my daily newsprint wrappings,
I find my little fish is stranded
for what once were the familiar rolling hills
supporting the dome of my sky-blue shirt
are now mountains of naked uncertainty.
I ask the tannish snowcaps if they can't reach some consensus
with the blushed pink peaks, but call too loudly among the crags
and you may invite a testy pebble
or an avalanche, the mountain's stern rejoinder
(they're sensitive, you know).

Perhaps I should be grateful for my quantum nipples,
but in my experience with milk and caramel parents
"both" is really "neither."

Color is subjective, but pink and brown aren't rainbow-neighbors
and the real question is "How yellow does that make me?"
A petulant mewl of "I don't know" may keep the world at bay
until your inner scientist dissects that forbidden portion of your heart.
[or, you know, other parts of your chest]
But stall too long and the impatient world will tick a box for you
and mark your mountains with unfamiliar monuments
and hand you a fish skin that crawls against your spine.

But really, if he hadn't gone and shackled my pink/brown breasts
to my epicanthic folds and amber skin
maybe I wouldn't still be tethered,
swimming my angsty circles when it's time to dry off
and put on a goddamn shirt.

I'll try to get to work on this tomorrow. I'll go over the above a little more, too. Right now, though, I'm just wiped out from a long shift on a ridiculously humid day, running around after others who can't do their own job properly. What a fun day! So, yeah. Not in the right place mentally. Keep zoning out and need sleep. gonk

[Adimurti]

akumestsi

Lovers Never Tell

Adimurti

Lovers Never Tell

Where be my newbs??? I want one to squeeze.

Well, I'm about to log on the mule and update the rosters, but there're a couple who haven't specified anyone in particular that you can snap up!

I could take on akumestsi. =3 She looks like she could use my talents.

OH! And can we be both a poet AND a newb?

:3 Guess this means I can start posting poetry (and writing more) whee

Certainly does. Feel free to post something up now if you like, then LNT will be able to make a start when she next logs on, or at least know she's got a poem waiting. whee

[akumestsi]

Adimurti

akumestsi

Lovers Never Tell

Adimurti

Lovers Never Tell

Where be my newbs??? I want one to squeeze.

Well, I'm about to log on the mule and update the rosters, but there're a couple who haven't specified anyone in particular that you can snap up!

I could take on akumestsi. =3 She looks like she could use my talents.

OH! And can we be both a poet AND a newb?

:3 Guess this means I can start posting poetry (and writing more) whee

Certainly does. Feel free to post something up now if you like, then LNT will be able to make a start when she next logs on, or at least know she's got a poem waiting. whee

I'm finishing up one now so it should be posted tomorrow 3nodding

[Adimurti]

akumestsi

I'm finishing up one now so it should be posted tomorrow 3nodding

Wonderfuel!


We need more Newbies! I should probably go critiquing with my sig and hope it'll attract some interest. xp That can wait until the weekend, though. For now, I needs sleep!

Tee tee eff en. =] ♥

[akumestsi]

Adimurti

akumestsi

I'm finishing up one now so it should be posted tomorrow 3nodding

Wonderfuel!


We need more Newbies! I should probably go critiquing with my sig and hope it'll attract some interest. xp That can wait until the weekend, though. For now, I needs sleep!

Tee tee eff en. =] ♥

I'll put a link as my sig to help attract attention, but I dont post much in other forums these days. So I dont know if it will be much help sweatdrop

[melon386]

Applying as a newb
Length of time writing: 5 years, but I didn't get really into it until the second year
Example of poetry:
1. Darkness swells up like a wave
Swooping down to displace
Thoughts will fade on sandy shores
Of memories and clever words

2. Spit dries to the back of my mouth
I want to say these words
But they're glued to my throat

3.I see I saw
An open box
It was of crimson
Like a god
With silver tendrils
And gold ribbons
Oh the temptation for satisfaction it was enclosed
It had a lock
I found the key
I opened it
I shouldn’t have
And cursed as I am
The horrors that I have caused
If only I had known
It was Pandora’s box

What you like in poetry: I like being able to vividly express every emotion and feeling that I have. I especially like metaphors and imagery.
What you dislike in poetry: I hate when it doesn't flow or have some sort of rhythm to it.
What you expect in a poet: I'm hoping for someone that will really criticize me. I also need someone to help me with form and grammar. I basically just write what I want and call it poetry, but I'm hoping to have someone to guide me to poetic genius. Or at least help me be less of a newb.
Areas you would most like help with: Poetic form, grammar, creativity with words (I have a limited vocabulary), basically everything razz
Preferred poet: Admiurti xp

[Rhiea chan]

Ugh. This is weird for me, because I don't think of myself as a newbie, but.... I think the help may be very good for me regardless.

Length of Time Writing/Critiquing: 3+ years writing, but I do feel like I have a decent bit of skill.
Example of Poetry:Second post here has 3 The poem folder on my DA
My Newest:
"Teeth and Mouth and Tongue"

I envy you.
E. N. V. Y. You.

You always have words dripping from your teeth,
the tip of your tongue,
the roof of your mouth,
and coming out in and phrases, that turn the world into a beautifully ugly contradiction.
Your words, phrases, and dripping mouth, teeth, tongue
are sick and foul and wrong but they draw the insecticide complex of the weak, the weary, the wayward soul into a distorted enlightenment where the destruction of the society of man prevails.

I Envy you.
E. N.V. Y.
You're the thing that hides under the bed,
that leers over their shoulder,
that turns stomachs into Jello...
… But you're not scary, just dirty and wrong.
You drive them crazy with passion,
you drive them crazy with your twisted busty hipsy just enough fat to grope and pull and touch, beauty but you still leave the table like a man:
Chair pulled out and plate still down.
You drive them wild,
but you don't care, you see them hiding in the shadows
following one step too close on your heals,
and you turn on that death spell,
Open your Venus fly trap,
And catch them up in that sticky, hot, wet mess of sin and hurt and ignorance without the bliss.

I envy you
Because you've made me into a little muñeca left in the dust,
when mother said it's time to come inside
and hold up the wold upon you shoulders,
and be a big girl with real friends.
When mother said to leave the ugly little rag doll toys behind,
to grow up,
and to deal with all those monsters you made and left under your big girl bed.
-------------------------------------------------------
(Muneca means doll in Spanish)
What You Like in Poetry: Dark, Sick, Grotesque, Sexual themes. Nature poems that make everything come alive. Goddess Poems that do a good job of depicting energy in them or the earth. Visual poems. I LOVE detailed imagery.
What You Dislike in Poetry: Rhyming. It makes me want to explode. I always thought it made poems sound amateurish. I also dislike extremely short poems (excluding properly done haikus) Or extremely long (novel sized) poems.
What You Expect in a Poet: Some one who won't baby me, or over look little things just because I've improved over time. Basically Some one who will support me, but if I have a nasty reoccurring problem, be willing to dig their nails in and make me stop. My previous mentor in poetry started to baby me because we became really good friends, and I feel that I cannot improve beyond this point because of that.
Area(s) You Would Most Like Help With: Grammar and Grammar mistakes biased on spelling. My spelling is discussing, and any time I use spell check, I'll end up picking the wrong word, and that really kills me.(Sometime letters get a little mixed up for me because I have bad vision problems.)
I also need help writing structured poems, because almost everything I write is what I tend to classify as 'Free verse'
A third thing I need help with is FINISHING THINGS. I will start poems, get several verses done, then Not be able to think of anything else... Yet the work just doesn't feel done.
Preferred Poet: Any one who is willing to work with me. I can be hard to work with at times, but for the sake of getting better I am really willing to work.

[akumestsi]

First poem posted here whee
Hopefully it isn't going to be too frustrating haha



In the depths of the night
I reach for my security blanket
to find that it isn’t there.

Only at that moment do I realize
I threw it away when I saw its
shallow, fraudulent face.

Its presence was necessity
as it calmed me with promise,
safety, and everlasting Love.

Now I lay silent and hallow
starring into the very space
it used to occupy.

I’m here on my own and
that is so hard to comprehend.
I no longer hold religion’s hand.

[LadyTiresias]

Hmm. I believe I have decided that I cannot decide. So I will see about doing both. But, the newbies here seem pretty high caliber. I'll try to help, but for some people I just might not have much very useful to add. So I guess keep that in mind. XD

Length of Time Writing/Critiquing: Writing regularly for 2/3 years, critiquing regularly for a couple of months maybe
Example of Poetry: Here - In general, the newer stuff is at the end.
Example of Critiques: 1 - 2
What You Like in Poetry: Communication. Relaying experiences perfectly. I'm not very good with people -- poetry is my compensation.
What You Dislike in Poetry: I still haven't grasped the purpose of rhyme. It often seems useless and rarely adds much to the poem. And censorship (particularly self-censorship), including but not limited to taking out/toning down curse words. Why even bother write the poem then?
What You Expect in a Newbie: Openmindedness, the ability to be honest with him/herself and me, critical thinking, and a desire to play around/experiment. Poetry is fun.

Area(s) You Would Most Like Help With: I've been experimenting with different forms to expand my rhythm/rhyme skills. Also, I think my flow is often lacking. And my poetic process tends to spawn poetry that isn't exactly cohesive. I don't know. Kick my a**; I'm craving growth. I'm too comfortable at this level, which is a terrible thing.
Preferred Poet: Anyone really. (*poet whore*)