"You held onto me." My first poem, is it okay?

[User_23831711]

I saw you, you came closer;
I walked into your open arms;
I was hesitant, anxious;
You held onto me.

I was careful to love you;
But my fear ran off,
We were so magical;
You held onto me.

We were so far apart,
Our bodies unable to touch;
I cried for you and your voice;
You held onto me.

I had many foolish faults;
You had your cruel words;
We cried for our shame;
You held onto me.

Oh how I’ve loved you so;
You gave me joyful laughter,
Protected me from this world;
You held onto me.

Few words were being spoken;
I felt your hands slipping away;
What has happened now?
You let go of me.

[XNabyX]

It's not bad c:

I like older poems, they are almost like riddles, poems these days aren't

[little_dreamcatcher 2010]

i think it is beautiful 3nodding

[IdleProphet]

I think its very pretty although i would try to add some ...hmm phsycial description of your emotions into it.

Thanks for sharing!

The IdleProphet

[User_23831711]

XNabyX

It's not bad c:

I like older poems, they are almost like riddles, poems these days aren't

Thanks c:
Me too, my favorite poet is Edgar Allan Poe

[User_23831711]

little_dreamcatcher 2010

i think it is beautiful 3nodding

Aw really? Thank you <3

[User_23831711]

IdleProphet

I think its very pretty although i would try to add some ...hmm phsycial description of your emotions into it.

Thanks for sharing!

The IdleProphet

Thank you c: And thank you for the critique

[her354]

Wow this is so deep. Up until the end, this reminded me of God. You've got a talent. Keep it up. biggrin

[User_23831711]

her354

Wow this is so deep. Up until the end, this reminded me of God. You've got a talent. Keep it up. biggrin

Aw thank you smile

[assvein]

I know it's a poem but your punctuation makes me weep (the use of semi colons in particular).

[her354]

robertpoopoo

I know it's a poem but your punctuation makes me weep (the use of semi colons in particular).

You know, there is a nicer way to critic a poem. It wouldn't kill you to say, "I would fix the puncutation if I were you."

[assvein]

her354

robertpoopoo

I know it's a poem but your punctuation makes me weep (the use of semi colons in particular).

You know, there is a nicer way to critic a poem. It wouldn't kill you to say, "I would fix the puncutation if I were you."

"Makes me weep" is merely an expression and I used it to point out her poor punctuation. It was hardly mean or uncalled for, maybe you are just to literal?

[User_23831711]

robertpoopoo

I know it's a poem but your punctuation makes me weep (the use of semi colons in particular).

I know. I didn't bother with the punctuation while I was making it.

[LadyTiresias]

As a first poem, this isn't bad at all.

But, just to clear up a few possible misconceptions: You do not need to start each line with a capital letter. Words following semi-colons shouldn't be capitalized unless they're proper nouns. Also, each line doesn't have to be a contained unit. Each of your lines is end-stopped, meaning they end with the conclusion of a phrase and with punctuation. End-stopping definitely has a place in poetry, but I think in your particular poem, it makes the content seem a bit stiff and over-structured.

The alternative is enjambment, which allows your thought to continue onto the next line without any necessary punctuation on the end. This allows more room to play with sentence structure, lengthy metaphors, punctuation within a line, etc., etc.

Examples
End-stopping:
"I was careful to love you;
But my fear ran off,
We were so magical;"

Enjambment:
"We were so
........................far apart,
our bodies unable to touch.
I cried for you
and your voice."

Also, you make a lot of straight forward statements. ("I've loved you so," "I saw you, you came closer" wink . These short statements can be powerful and provide emphasis to particular aspects of a poem. But, I think the poem could use some more tangible imagery instead. You don't need to tell the reader you loved someone if you show them that you've woken them up with a cup of coffee every morning (or something like that). And giving sensory information (even smells, sounds, tactile information, and tastes) can give the reader something more tangible to connect to.

On a more positive note: Your repetition wasn't bad. I'm usually not a fan of this kind of repetition, but I liked the twist in the very last line.


These lines were my favorite:
"We were so far apart,
Our bodies unable to touch;
I cried for you and your voice;"

These lines represent the beginnings of imagery. Here, I can picture two distant lovers reaching out for each other. And the line "I cried for you and your voice" is just cryptic and intriguing enough to be considered truly poetic.

Keep in mind that these are just my opinions. Creative license means you are free to take it or leave it. Everything I've written is intended to be helpful, and not malicious in any way. I hope I helped, and keep writing! biggrin

[User_23831711]

LadyTiresias

As a first poem, this isn't bad at all.

But, just to clear up a few possible misconceptions: You do not need to start each line with a capital letter. Words following semi-colons shouldn't be capitalized unless they're proper nouns. Also, each line doesn't have to be a contained unit. Each of your lines is end-stopped, meaning they end with the conclusion of a phrase and with punctuation. End-stopping definitely has a place in poetry, but I think in your particular poem, it makes the content seem a bit stiff and over-structured.

The alternative is enjambment, which allows your thought to continue onto the next line without any necessary punctuation on the end. This allows more room to play with sentence structure, lengthy metaphors, punctuation within a line, etc., etc.

Examples
End-stopping:
"I was careful to love you;
But my fear ran off,
We were so magical;"

Enjambment:
"We were so
........................far apart,
our bodies unable to touch.
I cried for you
and your voice."

Also, you make a lot of straight forward statements. ("I've loved you so," "I saw you, you came closer" wink . These short statements can be powerful and provide emphasis to particular aspects of a poem. But, I think the poem could use some more tangible imagery instead. You don't need to tell the reader you loved someone if you show them that you've woken them up with a cup of coffee every morning (or something like that). And giving sensory information (even smells, sounds, tactile information, and tastes) can give the reader something more tangible to connect to.

On a more positive note: Your repetition wasn't bad. I'm usually not a fan of this kind of repetition, but I liked the twist in the very last line.


These lines were my favorite:
"We were so far apart,
Our bodies unable to touch;
I cried for you and your voice;"

These lines represent the beginnings of imagery. Here, I can picture two distant lovers reaching out for each other. And the line "I cried for you and your voice" is just cryptic and intriguing enough to be considered truly poetic.

Keep in mind that these are just my opinions. Creative license means you are free to take it or leave it. Everything I've written is intended to be helpful, and not malicious in any way. I hope I helped, and keep writing! biggrin

You are very helpful, thank you smile