CAN [Care for a Newb!] - Updates on Pg3!

[Elexa]

Adimurti

I'd love to work with you. =]

Hurrah! heart

Adimurti

If you want to, you can post your poem on here and I get onto critiquing it tomorrow. I'd make a start now but it's getting late where I am and I feel I should start as I mean to go on, rather than giving you a crit while I'm half asleep.

Sure. As I said, it's new, so it's still pretty close to a first draft, especially the end.

This is what happens when you read books.

It's the little cracks in my fishbowl mind
that leave my courage gasping on dry land.
One author's flashbulb line about pink vs. brown nipples
and, removing the day's clothy carapace,
suddenly I look down on little mountains of naked uncertainty.
I ask the tannish snowcaps if they can't reach some consensus
with the blushed pink peaks, but press a point too hard
and they send only testy nerve-missives in reply
(they're sensitive, you know).
Perhaps I should be grateful for my quantum nipples,
but in my experience "both" is really "neither."
A plaintive mewl of "I don't know" may keep the world at bay
until your inner scientist dissects that forbidden portion of your heart.
Or, you know, other parts of your chest.
But stall too long and the impatient world will tick a box for you.
And whatever it picks your skin will crawl under your shiny new soup can label.
But really, if that damn writer hadn't gone and shackled my pink-brown mammaries
to my epicanthic folds and amber skin,
then maybe I'd have a shirt on by now.



Also, wow, now I've had time to feel awkward about the subject matter. Good thing this is over the internet. xp

[akumestsi]

Length of Time Writing/Critiquing: On and off fiction writing for a couple years. Poetry maybe a few months.
Example of Poetry: 0
What You Like in Poetry: How much that can be said in such few words and the beauty
What You Dislike in Poetry: The strict forms and rythms
What You Expect in a Poet: Knowledge of the technical aspects and the wisdom of what to use and when
Area(s) You Would Most Like Help With: I have problems with being wordy, can let metaphors go too long, and sometimes make ideas too abstract
Preferred Poet: Anyone who would like to help

[LadyTiresias]

This looks really cool. smile

But, I feel like I'm in a weird stage between a poetry newbie and an experienced "poet". Awkward.

I love critiquing and receiving critiques, but I don't know if I can be active enough to commit to both. I'll probably fill out some form soon -- I just have to decide. XD

[rumirumirumirumi]

Length of Time Writing/Critiquing: 11+ years
Example of Poetry:One Two A Collaberation Topic History
Example of Critiques:One Two Three Four Older one
What You Like in Poetry: I like feeling s**t or thinking s**t or doing s**t.
What You Dislike in Poetry: I don't like it when I don't feel s**t or think s**t or do s**t.
What You Expect in a Newbie: I expect a newbie will respond to criticism or challenge with smug indignity or dogged sycophancy. Once that's done, they're probably not a newbie anymore. I like the idea of working closely with someone, but Master/Student relationship is a little weird.

[The Love Mutt]

LadyTiresias

This looks really cool. smile

But, I feel like I'm in a weird stage between a poetry newbie and an experienced "poet". Awkward.

I love critiquing and receiving critiques, but I don't know if I can be active enough to commit to both. I'll probably fill out some form soon -- I just have to decide. XD

I feel in the same boat. XD.

More accurately, I feel out of the newbie stage, but wonder if I'm yet in the "Poet" stage. XD.

[Lovers Never Tell]

Where be my newbs??? I want one to squeeze.

[Adimurti]

Elexa

It's the little cracks in my fishbowl mind
that leave my courage gasping on dry land. I really like this opening; the idea, the simplicity. My only suggestions would be: try and create a transition between the fish bowl and bowl metaphors - with the visual similarities and cliché of the light-bulb idea that shouldn't be hugely difficult to achieve. I'm also not sure on the connotation that comes with "courage" and think you could find a slightly more suitable word; that's only a nit pick but I think it'd make the context flow a smidgen smoother.
One author's flashbulb line about pink vs. brown nipples
and, removing the day's clothy carapace,
suddenly I look down on little mountains of naked uncertainty. These three lines sound a little awkward to me. I understand them, but on the first read, I had to go back and read them again to get the right inflection.
I ask the tannish snowcaps if they can't reach some consensus
with the blushed pink peaks, but press a point too hard
and they send only testy nerve-missives in reply I think you could probably find something more consistent with the idea of mountains for the reply. Smoke circles is probably a far stretch, but maybe flairs or something? I just think continuing the metaphor would be nicer than moving onto something with a much more official connotation. If you feel the ideas you come up with are going to do more damage than good, I'd say leave it. It isn't a huge flaw or anything, I'd just like to see the ideas moving smoother.
(they're sensitive, you know).
Perhaps I should be grateful for my quantum nipples, I feel this should be a new stanza. There's a change in tone that justifies it.
but in my experience "both" is really "neither." I think you should elaborate on this line a little. Both/neither breasts? Nipples? Feelings (grateful/uncomfortable with)? I'm not completely sure what it refers to.
A plaintive mewl of "I don't know" may keep the world at bay Mewl already suggests sad which makes plaintive feel a little redundant. I don't think you should just lose it, because the extra couple of syllables works with the flow, but with the two words there at the moment it's kinda like saying "wet puddle".
until your inner scientist dissects that forbidden portion of your heart.
Or, you know, other parts of your chest. I think putting this in brackets would make the line work better. The language feels like it suddenly changes here with the use of "you know", whereas it worked previously with the brackets being used to almost emphasise that change.
But stall too long and the impatient world will tick a box for you.
And whatever it picks your skin will crawl under your shiny new soup can label. This reads really awkwardly to me, and the soup can label idea seems to come from no where.
But really, if that damn writer hadn't gone and shackled my pink-brown mammaries I'm really not sure about mammaries. I know that's what they are and all that, but something about it just hits my ear wrong. I think it's because it's a scientific term out of nowhere and doesn't suit the rest of the poem's language.
to my epicanthic folds and amber skin, Had to look up epicanthic, but hey - I like learning new stuff.
then maybe I'd have a shirt on by now.



Also, wow, now I've had time to feel awkward about the subject matter. Good thing this is over the internet. xp Awh, don't feel like that. Be happy with whatever you've been given and if you ever start questioning it just throw your arms up and start singing I am what I aaaaam in the most dramatic voice you can muster. If nothing else, the embarrassment of that will take your mind off other things. xp

To be honest, I like this poem. I don't think you need any help with finding ideas that work well and learning how to recognise good ideas from weak ideas, but I think that working on following an idea to the end would be something to work on. I think I can see some transitions that you might have found without realising and that maybe led you from one idea to another (for example - turn a fish bowl upside-down and it looks pretty similar to a bulb).

I don't think there was much I could be terribly helpful with in this poem. It feels like this style is pretty much something you're in your comfort zone with and know your way around well enough to be able to produce a solid poem with some feedback and critique to tidy things up and maybe keep your ideas/transitions from feeling slightly choppy.

Would you like to post some edits on this piece and I'll re-crit those and give you some prompts to see if we can work on some of the things you mentioned in your form? I'm going away on Saturday (I'll be on my laptop while travelling, but then I won't be as active as usual until mid-week). So if you like I could post some prompts before then and that'll give you a few days to work on them before I'm back?

Hope you found this helpful. =]

[Adimurti]

Lovers Never Tell

Where be my newbs??? I want one to squeeze.

Well, I'm about to log on the mule and update the rosters, but there're a couple who haven't specified anyone in particular that you can snap up!

[Adimurti]

akumestsi

Length of Time Writing/Critiquing: On and off fiction writing for a couple years. Poetry maybe a few months.
Example of Poetry: 0
What You Like in Poetry: How much that can be said in such few words and the beauty
What You Dislike in Poetry: The strict forms and rythms
What You Expect in a Poet: Knowledge of the technical aspects and the wisdom of what to use and when
Area(s) You Would Most Like Help With: I have problems with being wordy, can let metaphors go too long, and sometimes make ideas too abstract
Preferred Poet: Anyone who would like to help

I'm having to fight the temptation of snapping you up, but I'll wait for the other Poets to respond before I do. Don't wanna be greedy, now. xp

[akumestsi]

Adimurti

akumestsi

Length of Time Writing/Critiquing: On and off fiction writing for a couple years. Poetry maybe a few months.
Example of Poetry: 0
What You Like in Poetry: How much that can be said in such few words and the beauty
What You Dislike in Poetry: The strict forms and rythms
What You Expect in a Poet: Knowledge of the technical aspects and the wisdom of what to use and when
Area(s) You Would Most Like Help With: I have problems with being wordy, can let metaphors go too long, and sometimes make ideas too abstract
Preferred Poet: Anyone who would like to help

I'm having to fight the temptation of snapping you up, but I'll wait for the other Poets to respond before I do. Don't wanna be greedy, now. xp

That's flattering whee
The lack of response from any poets was disheartening sweatdrop

[Adimurti]

LadyTiresias

This looks really cool. smile

But, I feel like I'm in a weird stage between a poetry newbie and an experienced "poet". Awkward.

I love critiquing and receiving critiques, but I don't know if I can be active enough to commit to both. I'll probably fill out some form soon -- I just have to decide. XD

The Love Mutt

LadyTiresias

This looks really cool. smile

But, I feel like I'm in a weird stage between a poetry newbie and an experienced "poet". Awkward.

I love critiquing and receiving critiques, but I don't know if I can be active enough to commit to both. I'll probably fill out some form soon -- I just have to decide. XD

I feel in the same boat. XD.

More accurately, I feel out of the newbie stage, but wonder if I'm yet in the "Poet" stage. XD.

Do you ladies think you'd feel more comfortable if we were to add levels of Poet so each poet could specify what level of experience they feel comfortable/confident critiquing at?

[Adimurti]

akumestsi

Adimurti

akumestsi

Length of Time Writing/Critiquing: On and off fiction writing for a couple years. Poetry maybe a few months.
Example of Poetry: 0
What You Like in Poetry: How much that can be said in such few words and the beauty
What You Dislike in Poetry: The strict forms and rythms
What You Expect in a Poet: Knowledge of the technical aspects and the wisdom of what to use and when
Area(s) You Would Most Like Help With: I have problems with being wordy, can let metaphors go too long, and sometimes make ideas too abstract
Preferred Poet: Anyone who would like to help

I'm having to fight the temptation of snapping you up, but I'll wait for the other Poets to respond before I do. Don't wanna be greedy, now. xp

That's flattering whee
The lack of response from any poets was disheartening sweatdrop

Don't worry about that. whee I don't think LNT saw the outstanding posts and I think Cal had logged off by the time they were being posted. Patience, love. xd

[akumestsi]

Adimurti

akumestsi

Adimurti

akumestsi

Length of Time Writing/Critiquing: On and off fiction writing for a couple years. Poetry maybe a few months.
Example of Poetry: 0
What You Like in Poetry: How much that can be said in such few words and the beauty
What You Dislike in Poetry: The strict forms and rythms
What You Expect in a Poet: Knowledge of the technical aspects and the wisdom of what to use and when
Area(s) You Would Most Like Help With: I have problems with being wordy, can let metaphors go too long, and sometimes make ideas too abstract
Preferred Poet: Anyone who would like to help

I'm having to fight the temptation of snapping you up, but I'll wait for the other Poets to respond before I do. Don't wanna be greedy, now. xp

That's flattering whee
The lack of response from any poets was disheartening sweatdrop

Don't worry about that. whee I don't think LNT saw the outstanding posts and I think Cal had logged off by the time they were being posted. Patience, love. xd

I'm not so good with patience rofl As you can tell haha

[Adimurti]

akumestsi

Adimurti

akumestsi

Adimurti

akumestsi

Length of Time Writing/Critiquing: On and off fiction writing for a couple years. Poetry maybe a few months.
Example of Poetry: 0
What You Like in Poetry: How much that can be said in such few words and the beauty
What You Dislike in Poetry: The strict forms and rythms
What You Expect in a Poet: Knowledge of the technical aspects and the wisdom of what to use and when
Area(s) You Would Most Like Help With: I have problems with being wordy, can let metaphors go too long, and sometimes make ideas too abstract
Preferred Poet: Anyone who would like to help

I'm having to fight the temptation of snapping you up, but I'll wait for the other Poets to respond before I do. Don't wanna be greedy, now. xp

That's flattering whee
The lack of response from any poets was disheartening sweatdrop

Don't worry about that. whee I don't think LNT saw the outstanding posts and I think Cal had logged off by the time they were being posted. Patience, love. xd

I'm not so good with patience rofl As you can tell haha

Nothing wrong with that. Only problem is the OP/L is ridiculously slow moving, so it's something everyone's forced to learn here. xp

[akumestsi]

Adimurti

akumestsi

Adimurti

akumestsi

Adimurti

akumestsi

Length of Time Writing/Critiquing: On and off fiction writing for a couple years. Poetry maybe a few months.
Example of Poetry: 0
What You Like in Poetry: How much that can be said in such few words and the beauty
What You Dislike in Poetry: The strict forms and rythms
What You Expect in a Poet: Knowledge of the technical aspects and the wisdom of what to use and when
Area(s) You Would Most Like Help With: I have problems with being wordy, can let metaphors go too long, and sometimes make ideas too abstract
Preferred Poet: Anyone who would like to help

I'm having to fight the temptation of snapping you up, but I'll wait for the other Poets to respond before I do. Don't wanna be greedy, now. xp

That's flattering whee
The lack of response from any poets was disheartening sweatdrop

Don't worry about that. whee I don't think LNT saw the outstanding posts and I think Cal had logged off by the time they were being posted. Patience, love. xd

I'm not so good with patience rofl As you can tell haha

Nothing wrong with that. Only problem is the OP/L is ridiculously slow moving, so it's something everyone's forced to learn here. xp

Duly noted 3nodding