Black Gabriel
(?)Community Member
O.G. Elder
Offline
- Posted: Mon, 23 Dec 2013 16:56:07 +0000
I hate you all. Did I even ******** play any games this year? I don't even ******** know. Let's pretend I did.
TOMB RAIDER: It was pretty cool, but Lara really needed a bath. Could have used less lesbian ship-bait or an actual commitment to its lesbian subtext. You don't half-a** lesbians. It gets nine tedious quick-time even sequences out of ten.
STARCRAFT 2: HEART OF THE SWARM: I really like buying the same game multiple times. I will do anything for Blizzard, my lords and masters. I must have more obnoxious collectors boxes full of useless s**t to fill my office. I don't resent my sovereigns for saving Protoss for last and not letting me just have the game I actually want and spare me the other useless races. Not at all. Eight zerglings out of ten.
BIOSHOCK INFINITE: I was confused about everything in this game except what they actually wanted me to be confused about. Twist ending was very obvious and most of the game was pretty repetitive. However, I really liked the skylines and I am very easily amused. Eight kick-a** covers of Everybody Wants to Rule the World out of ten!
INJUSTICE: GODS AMONG US: This game made me gay for Aquaman. This was previously believed to be scientifically impossible. Eight space-sharks out of ten.
SHIN MEGAMI TENSEI IV I will never leave you, MegaTen. No matter how badly you hurt me. A million Jack Frost plush toys littering my home out of ten.
TALES OF XILLIA: I have many complaints about this game and they began the moment I hit New Game and was forced to select a character with no knowledge of what this actually meant. I have since been informed that I Chose Poorly and that's why I had no idea what the ******** was going on in the entire game. I do not care. One critical uninformed choice out of ten!
DRAGON'S CROWN: This game is perfect. I dare you not to stare into the Amazon's thighs and not fall deeply in love. Ten pieces of randomly generated loot out of ten.
BEYOND: TWO SOULS: This game was not as good as Heavy Rain, and I felt misled. Fighting the angry floating ghost things was tedious. I will never play this again. Three disembodied stillborn twins out ten.
DISGAEA D2: A BRIGHTER DARKNESS: Do these games ever get old? How many times have I ******** played this same exact thing with subtly different characters? I don't even care. Monty Python reference! Prism ranger! LOVE CONQUERS ALL!!! Ten exploding zombie penguins out of ten.
POKEMON X This is the first Pokemon game I've played that didn't function on a large gray brick with a little green window. It's stunning how little has changed. They gave me rollerskates? The bad guys are literally flaming flamers? Eh, whatever. I must catch all the animals and make them fight for my amusement. Take that PETA! Ten inexplicable porn drawings on 4chan out of ten!
PHOENIX WRIGHT: ACE ATTORNEY: DUAL DESTINIES: Flag thrown for too many subtitles. Review Declined.
. . . this is evidently all of the games I've played for more than a few minutes this year. What am I even ******** doing with my life?
TOMB RAIDER: It was pretty cool, but Lara really needed a bath. Could have used less lesbian ship-bait or an actual commitment to its lesbian subtext. You don't half-a** lesbians. It gets nine tedious quick-time even sequences out of ten.
STARCRAFT 2: HEART OF THE SWARM: I really like buying the same game multiple times. I will do anything for Blizzard, my lords and masters. I must have more obnoxious collectors boxes full of useless s**t to fill my office. I don't resent my sovereigns for saving Protoss for last and not letting me just have the game I actually want and spare me the other useless races. Not at all. Eight zerglings out of ten.
BIOSHOCK INFINITE: I was confused about everything in this game except what they actually wanted me to be confused about. Twist ending was very obvious and most of the game was pretty repetitive. However, I really liked the skylines and I am very easily amused. Eight kick-a** covers of Everybody Wants to Rule the World out of ten!
INJUSTICE: GODS AMONG US: This game made me gay for Aquaman. This was previously believed to be scientifically impossible. Eight space-sharks out of ten.
SHIN MEGAMI TENSEI IV I will never leave you, MegaTen. No matter how badly you hurt me. A million Jack Frost plush toys littering my home out of ten.
TALES OF XILLIA: I have many complaints about this game and they began the moment I hit New Game and was forced to select a character with no knowledge of what this actually meant. I have since been informed that I Chose Poorly and that's why I had no idea what the ******** was going on in the entire game. I do not care. One critical uninformed choice out of ten!
DRAGON'S CROWN: This game is perfect. I dare you not to stare into the Amazon's thighs and not fall deeply in love. Ten pieces of randomly generated loot out of ten.
BEYOND: TWO SOULS: This game was not as good as Heavy Rain, and I felt misled. Fighting the angry floating ghost things was tedious. I will never play this again. Three disembodied stillborn twins out ten.
DISGAEA D2: A BRIGHTER DARKNESS: Do these games ever get old? How many times have I ******** played this same exact thing with subtly different characters? I don't even care. Monty Python reference! Prism ranger! LOVE CONQUERS ALL!!! Ten exploding zombie penguins out of ten.
POKEMON X This is the first Pokemon game I've played that didn't function on a large gray brick with a little green window. It's stunning how little has changed. They gave me rollerskates? The bad guys are literally flaming flamers? Eh, whatever. I must catch all the animals and make them fight for my amusement. Take that PETA! Ten inexplicable porn drawings on 4chan out of ten!
PHOENIX WRIGHT: ACE ATTORNEY: DUAL DESTINIES: Flag thrown for too many subtitles. Review Declined.
. . . this is evidently all of the games I've played for more than a few minutes this year. What am I even ******** doing with my life?
