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Cool to realize I write this stuff for me and not for others. I guess I always joked about how nobody reads this or it's never going to be popular, but I guess that's the satisfying end to the story, Pengy realizes a journal was for being just that, a journal. A small introspection into past events the brain forgets.

Neat.

I'm in my bed.
It's 4 AM. Using a phone to type this.

So.
You might ask did jobs and money make me happy? Nope! But it is nice to keep busy at times, I've been intern unemployed for a fair bit and finding things to do when your brain is a habitual monster of black goop is hard.

Let's talk about my stressors.
Discord.
Seriously it's what's in at the moment (201 cool .
But man does the platform promote whack etiquette. I feel like a small a man in a dark room being watched by a thousand silent eyes.

Voice chat is no better, people don't really want to talk about anything, it's usually just used as a means socialize while you play games with others, yknow a social crutch. Without that common interest, it's just a bunch of scared strangers, or... Even worse, not scared strangers. Bullies who somehow didn't grow out of the phase.

I compared the dynamic to a death by a thousand cuts, people do small things you forget and it accumulates into one yuck feeling.

But I still use it. I want to have friends. A tragedy.
Also a good portion of the userbase would just write this off as bitching. Perhaps they are part of the problem. I invited my girlfriend (normal person litmus paper) to some servers I like and she was really surprised at how weird the conversational dynamics are. People were just flat out ignoring me during group conversations. She no longer uses it for the short 1 week she did.

OK that's enough.

Lately I've just been feeling frustrated socializing with others that are not close friends. I'm glad I have close friends... But being ridiculed by the majority wears me down like sandstone.

I will keep being me, I promise myself that. All good things come with adversity, let me write this so I may remind myself not to give up.

Hope everyone on gaia is doing well, I guess I've lost a little of what made me special growing up, but I assure you all, I know I have a child still in me, and I hope it never grows old.

It feels nice my window is wide open, the sprinklers give a misty fresh feeling to the air, and the night is cool in temperature. A motorized ambiance mixed with wind sounds in the distance.

This is Captain Pengy signing off.