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So something has come up in my life which has made me need to take a long hard look at my decisions. An online friend of mine will be coming to town. Thankfully she will be over 50 miles away so I can just say "Sorry I need to save money to pay off debt". So why does this matter, well the reason is she has expressed sexual interest. Meaning she has straight up said that she would have sex with me. Thus we come to the random contemplation that I have that will mean nothing because I will never have to explain to other people but for some reason I want to write this stuff down so that I can organize my thoughts.

So first off let us talk about the only females who have ever expressed sexual interest in me. Both were met online on forums for people who are not exactly stable. Both are like me, depressed, suicidal, and so on. In the case of the first, I am sure she only had sex with me because it had been so long. That one revealed to me that she could not go more than two years without having sex at least once. The other, well I think that it is something similar. Otherwise, I have never had females express sexual interest in me. This is because of a combination of me not pursing females and the ones I do pursue being disgusted by me.

So why was that last paragraph important. Well, that is because I have had the very real temptation to meet up with this more recent female for a sexual encounter. The thought has crossed my mind. However, I have to remember that the only females who have ever seen me in some kind of sexual light are those who have spent months, in the most current case years, getting to know me. Plus their prolonged stints with no sex or intimate interaction with a male. This particular female would only be present for a week and then be gone adding to the reason to not really pursue this for me.

After all, why pursue something that is going to be so short-lived? I mean I get what may be a day and two or three orgasms and then what. Get the rush of Oxytocin, get addicted, spend months in depressed withdrawal? I mean my sex drive is not as high as it used to be, but seriously, I highly doubt that I would not have a worse spiral into depression as a result of me having sex. Plus I have always justified that there is no point to one night stands if you cannot get them regularly.

So the thing is that this is probably the last time I will ever have the chance to have sex. not that I am depressed by that thought, no, in fact, it seems exciting to let this last opportunity come and go and be comfortable knowing that I will never have to worry about this again. I have already made up my mind to not visit this friend if I can help it. Even if I am in her area I will just lie about where I am. However, given how I naturally turn females celibate in real life I have determined that I will never have intercourse again. When I say never I mean never again.

I mean I doubt that I will ever have a sexual partner who will provide me with sufficient amounts of sex, for starters, well partner or partners. I am sure that I will get sex bombed and then just as quickly as things ramped up they will shut down. That is will annoy me and frustrate me. I know that I am one of those guys that females would label as a "back up" which I know means that I am seen as someone who is so desperate that they would not have to give anything out. So why would they want to do more than they have too?

Next, there is the fact that I see no value in engaging in the mating rituals that humans have. It is just too expensive and too time-consuming. Even the simple ones of just buying the sex from the female require far more effort than I could muster up. This will ruin my chances of ever "meeting someone" because I am not going to pursue that kind of relationship. Adding even more to the never. I, as well as the rest of the world, knows that females do not pursue ever. If I am shutting these females down before they can get a chance to have enough of an interest in me to want to have sex with me. Well, then how will I ever get it?

I am not going to waste all my time listing all the legal reasons why I will avoid sex. So yeah, I can pretty safely say that I am not going to ever have sex again. Which is not a bad thing or a sad thing it is just how things worked out. I have no problem with being this way and it is just life. I am sure that I will find a better use for my time and money anyway.