You know I wonder when things happened? Many things, there are a lot of things in my life that have always been annoying and have always been ringing in the back of my head. Then some day all the circuits aligned and all of the sudden all these things just sort of vanished. I am not sure how it happened.. I think it was a while ago... when I first moved away from everything familiar. Being free of people who knew me and could annoy me with "wanting to see me" and "family events" really made all these truths that I had known deep in the back of my mind to be true, surface and obliterate the hope.
You know pesky things like the whole comedy routine we see in sitcoms and movies. You know where someone arrives somewhere new and all of the sudden someone comes into their life and their life becomes more interesting or changes or suddenly they have more than the normal routine. That fanciful notion of the fact that I will meet someone or someone will meet me and my life will change. You know that lie that we all perpetuate deep down in our souls. That people are social creatures who are welcoming of all new comers. When in all reality when I arrived here I was nothing more than another face. Another gross boring loser face.
I cannot say that I did not attempt to make things that way. You know, I did go about the place making sure that I was poorly groomed. I mean it is kind of a cold day in hell when you see me in anything other than my workout pants and a t-shirt. Depending on how long I will be out I tend to not shower. Unless the number of days I have not showered has been more than 5. Most of the time even then I have to be around people or close to people for at least 90 minutes before I will even consider cleaning up. Otherwise I might not shower for a while until I can smell myself. Funny how people want nothing to do with me. Let's not forget the fact that I do not smile or anything like that.
You know it is really funny this is the first apartment in... well forever where I have actually seen my neighbors. Yet none of them talk to me. They have seen me enter my apartment and I theirs. It is really funny, I mean how often does something like that happen? I mean I have not seen a neighbor in years. Funny how easy it is to shut people out of your life. All you have to do is not look at them, smell bad, and dress poorly. I mean I am sure I could pass for homeless some days if the people in my apartment had not seen me going into the apartment. Then again, you know I really do not like people.
I guess this is another thing that took me moving away to really fully realize. Now that I have no one to bother me I have much less stress in my life. I do not have to worry if I need to talk to someone or if someone wants to do something. not that I really had to do that anyway. I mean there was only the family and the roommate. Still not having to talk to people or know they can just show up and intrude or anything like that is really nice. I do not have to care about them or their different issues. The only person who annoys me is my mother. That is nothing new, and knowing that all I have to do is pick up the phone and never see her brings me great comfort. I do not want friends or people or anything like that.
I could go on one of my rants about how much I hate females in particular. With their lies about how they are not all bad and how some are worth something. No I won't waste my time there are plenty of those rants on here. Suffice it to say I know they are all lying about it. They just want to believe that they do not suck which is sad because they know as well as I do that they only really offer me a hole to get off in and nothing more.
I am glad that I have all these realizations. With no attachments to humans I can just be attached to my cat who will love me no matter what. I do not have to be attractive or smell nice or clean or anything. I just have to have a warm lap, a water cup and a bowl of food. Even then I am sure she would still love me. My poor old kitty, once she is gone I will follow her shortly there after. I personally cannot wait. The only reason why I am even wasting my time staying alive right now is because I do not want her to have to suffer through more neglectful owners. I will give her a happy retirement where she can cuddle and be loved. Then when she dies I can finally kill myself. That brings me a great amount of comfort knowing that I am free to finally die when she does.