I have been doing pretty poorly in everything in these past months since my cat died. I drink too much, I do not workout, I do not do anything that I should be doing. I just lie around doing nothing and I am not sure why to be honest. I know that my poor health will contribute to such things. However, I just do not know what to do most days that I end up like this. I am also wasting a lot of time thinking about things as well.
One thing that has been bothering me for a while is the fact that I do not think I know how to form meaningful relationships. I have noticed this over the past couple of years. Back in the day I would be able to meet people on the various different forums I went too with no real problem. I would be able to make friends with them and have some kind of regular communication. Most were even kind enough to tell me when they were done with the forum and would tell me how to contact them using other means. The last time that happened was over 5 years ago. Now the places I go to on the net are the same in real life. I feel like I am more or less just intruding upon the lives of the people there. I have no idea what it means to be a friend. To be honest I find having to deal with people to be annoying. Even more so I have no idea what it means to be a significant other. Again my observations have shown that there is only one benefit to such a thing.
Which confuses me from time to time since there are people out there who know everyone and are friends with everyone and go through potential mates like they go through water. True enough from time to time this bothers me. I am not bitter about them at least they value human beings in the real world. To me people have uses and that is it. A friend might be able to buy me food or pay the rent. A significant other will release hormones that can only be released by other people. At the same time I cannot offer them anything that they might want. I am boring, lazy, stupid, not attractive. In all reality I know that people are much better off alone than with me. The worst part is the fact that I have even tried to imitate successful people.
This is one thing that I kind of regret doing. I took some time and tried to imitate the people who are very successful. I tried grooming myself, smiling, being out going all that stuff. Yet for some reason my results were the same. I put a great deal of time and effort into that stuff and it got me nothing but a hole in my wallet and almost a year of my life lost. It is no wonder that I ever returned to my current state. Even trying to be out going did not work for me. Which is something that leads me to believe there is something fundamentally wrong with me.
I am not sure why so many people out there seem to enjoy lying to me. The people who have been forced to interact with me for extended periods of time will tell me that I am good looking, smart, funny, interesting and all that jazz. Yet they are all at a loss when they see how I have no other people in my life except them. They are also a part of my life because of circumstances. Whether they share parents with me or I am forced to work on long term projects with them at work/school. They all seem to only find these traits in me after an extended period of time. They are all dumbfounded by the fact that I am alone all the time. Even better they force themselves to not see any reason why I should not be swimming in people because I am so awesome in their eyes.
I do not know... I just felt like babbling. All this depression since my cat died has made me want to sleep more. Sadly I have to become conscious because I am finding that sleeping for 10 to 14 hours gives me back pains. So I need to kill time while those pains go away. Maybe I just need to go out and get a nice shot of Oxytocin to go along with the endorphins that are released from exercise. I do justify to myself that not remember the effects of mixing those two hormones is a good thing. At the same time I cannot help but wonder if my lack of that hormone cocktail is what I need in my life to feel happy or see the world differently. I mean I know that the only way I am going to get such a thing is to buy it and I am not really willing to put forth the cost in time or cash to get it. Oh well, I will just have to continue to hope that some female will come rescue me. I know that no female that is worth it will put forth the effort, but I guess I can pretend.