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kind of last minute decided to attend my college roommates' spa party thing. (one of those companies like mary kay, but more for care/maintenance than makeup)

i double checked the invite list on facebook. no lauren. not invited, not attending. (i used my fish's account because with the block in place, i'm blind to her being invited and all of that.)

shortly after i arrive, i hear lauren is coming. and the only seat still open was right next to me.
awkward.
at least the first two hours weren't so much chatty because the consultant lady was talking and stuff. and we sniffed scents and that whole thing.

but then things opened up to chattiness.

lauren never asks about the facebook block to my face.
thank the Lord. (tho i have a phrase to tell her if she asks)
we act like it doesn't exist. she talks loudly and self-interestedly so it doesn't matter anyway.
but i can detect a hint of reserve. she is slightly careful around me.
for her, it probably is very difficult. because she has very little impulse control.

i don't ask her personal life questions. sometimes i comment.
i let her go on about her whatever.
i try to act like nothing ever happened, as much as possible, because i don't want that confrontation.
if i had to be completely honest with her - she wouldn't understand. it would be like telling a lifelong blind person what the color blue looks like.
and it would agitate her.
she'd become defensive and deny it all. or blame shift.
or get aggressive.
yeah.
she does get violent from time to time.
she pulls no punches.
i know that from experience.

so i'd rather not ruffle feathers. but she knows i don't consider her a friend now.

it makes me nervous.
i feel like someone with PTSD. and she's my trigger.
if this is what it feels like to be scared of a school bully - i get why people go to therapy.
i lived with my bully for 3 years.

i'm not as panicky as i was earlier on. but i fidgeted with my hair tie pretty much the entire time. i even forgot to eat.

in between concurrent life topics, we did reminisce a little about college.
we did have some fun times together, the 4 of us living together.
like the time we dressed up as ninjas, japanese style and "sneaked" down to the basement to take some of the toilet paper supply (our dorms provided us with TP but for weeks, our floor hadn't been stocked... we had to take the matter into our own hands).
or all the lame youtube videos we made. i knew they were lame then, but it's one of those things you do for solidarity and fun.
now they're just lame. xd awkward and lame. but oh well.

all of my friends know why i blocked lauren on facebook.
except lauren herself. she "has no idea".

i suppose based on how i act around her, it might be confusing.
i act like everything's okay for the most part. but the facebook block says we're not.
we had lived together for 3 years, and not all of it was hell
. and in group settings, she is merely loud and obnoxious and dominates conversations. glib.

but i don't want that back in my life.

i thought to myself "why did i ever block her? i should have just kept her on the restricted list like i'd had her on."

it's not like i can take it back. and i did it because i was legitimately worried.

she used to stalk my wall conversations and pop up in places that i was going to be. (like coffee dates with other friends... and she doesn't even normally fork over money for coffee so she doesn't frequent coffee shops) that was before i even put her on a restricted list and made all my friends PM me. never post anything on my wall except cat videos and memes.

yeah.

seeing her online stuff was bothering.

it's hard to come to terms with cutting a "friend" who is a psychopath out of your life.
because when they're nice, they're really nice.
they string you along. give you gifts. tell you nice things. they can be really fun and they are impulsive so the adventures are endless.
but once you're in their trap - they ignore you. belittle you. gaslight you (aka make you think you're crazy. you are in the wrong, not them. you're to blame. it wasn't them. abuse you. oh and they try to make you think your other friends are against you so that you only stay friends with them. really. i had that happen. lucky for me, i'm not paranoid of my friends talking behind my back about me so i didn't believe my psychopathic roommate. it was all a lie. come to find out years later that is called triangulation. )

but you had some fun memories with the psycho. and it's sad that they're not a real friend. they don't really care about you.
they care about themselves.
and they care if you don't care about them. (well, that is.. if you were useful to them. they don't like to let go of a thing that benefits them)

the things i picked up from conversations were that....

lauren's fiance is in the airforce? and he'll be stationed in NY. they'll be moving far far away from here. emotion_dowant

lauren admitted she had a hard time when her "baby" sister got married.
oh brother.
i bet. because her sister not only got attention, she got that special attention BEFORE her older sister.

lauren's dad had prostate cancer.
i'd feel a tad bad about that.
ah but as she "let it slip"... amy's eyes got wide and was like "what? how come you never told me your dad had cancer?! i would have prayed for him all this time."
"oh he didn't want it spread around. pretty much only our church knows about it." was lauren's response.... um... well telling amy about it wouldn't have spread it very far.
normal people confide stressful life things in their friends. at least their good friends.
and we sometimes gauge closeness in terms of who confides in us.
lauren lived with us 3 for 3 years (but more like 4 for amy, because lauren basically camped out in amy's that first year). she's closest to amy....
didn't tell her anything.

that tells you the kind of person lauren is.
she doesn't think much of you.

anyway i'm rambling really. i should watch some asian drama and sleep.