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My Dad asked me which alter it was that drew on the driveway last night







what have I become?

What has driven me to that point that my Dad... my father would know of such things... such tainted and disgusting things. I don't know anymore.

I can't remember this last year.

Andrea ... she told me, when she visited about a month ago, that things have been really bad this year. I can't remember anything. I can't remember how bad things were.

In spite of being deeply hurt by the pain in her face, I still felt the urge to laugh with spite and ask what dangerous things she was referring to. My dear friend, and I wanted to laugh at her devotion to me...

what have I become?

What struck me to lash out on people that show affection and loyalty to me? Is it in the fear of getting attached or having a future that tried to keep me away from people? I thought I was moving past that. I thought I was working on it.

Maybe I haven't? I tried to tell him, what excuse do I have for not telling him later? What could have been so important to delay telling him that I am depressed. Depression has been passed on to me from my genetics and I've been like that for as long as I know. My friends can attest to that, there should ave been nothing in my past to start it. I was always weak. I just found better ways to hide it. I don't run from it as much anymore and it leads me to facing down the end of all things.

It leaves me feeling so empty sometimes...

so I should have said it.

I should have told him, I need your love... more than an average person. I won't give in easy. I never do. I'll always fight you, even if I fall in love with you. I still scratch my friends and bite them from time to time when they reach too far. I'm not an easy catch and it won't ever end.

But I can promise you this, it will get easier.

The more you notice, the more you try, the more things you will pick up and remember. Even if you forget, I may notice you are better. I'll open up my heart even more. And, my god, is it worth it. The secrets that I store and ideas I can share. I make myself weep when I think of some of the moments I have had with friends. Just talking... can be so much more. Christy and I hung out last year in the summer just watching anime. We went out to Sushi and shared ideas. I went over to her dorm. Each memory, makes me smile. I went over to her house and we went swimming in the middle of the night. We ate cake batter and almost stayed up all night. Andrea and I went to Dimple, we bought so many movies... hunted and shared our favorites. Drove around, went to Jamba and sat under the umbrella. Sharing memories and events and plans. Her sister is getting engaged. She's become so strong. Even our phone conversations have meaning.

I could eat the memories for a lifetime, gorging myself on the joys of the past, but it would never fill me up. I would still be left with the empty feeling where love should be. Even if it comes, I can't guarantee that it will save me. I can't guarantee anything.

Don't you know? Every day is my last...