I'll tell you a secret, sometimes I still want to kill myself. I know it is my poor management of stress, but the thought of suicide is comforting to have again. It is like this small reassurance that even though I have changed so much, there is this thing inside of me that is still mending. I just love when people assume that I should be all better or functioning like them because time has gone by. I love that my symptoms and signs are supposed to be known to be because it is my own mind and body. Don't you think that was what got me in trouble in the first place? I still don't have the power over myself right away. I can earn it... but sometimes I don't want to. Sometimes I just want to blank out and think of terrible ways to die like car crashes by slamming on the gas then running head first into a pole or turning the wrong way into the freeway so that I get hit by oncoming traffic. Sometimes I want to think about how addictive it is to cut because you get used to coping and dealing with those feelings by venting on your body instead of with your words.
I LOATHE sharing my thoughts and feelings aloud now. I love to complain. I hate to tell you when I feel like s**t because then you want to fix me or feel it with me. YOU GET TO SEE THIS UGLY SIDE OF ME THAT I WANT FOR ME! I DON'T WANT TO SHARE BECAUSE YOU WON'T LOVE ME ANYMORE! I hate it...
I could fix things. It would take time and I want to relax. I don't want to work hard. It means that I'll just be working hard again right after to keep things right. ******** that s**t. Right now, I don't want it. I want to struggle like a GODDAMN worm that I am.
I'm... okay though all things considered. I can't say that I'm happy because I'm not roleplaying or working on my roleplay. That really shoots me in the gut. I don't have a book to read anymore either. I have sex but lately it hasn't been that great because he gets all weird about always starting it or my mind hasn't been there since I've been stressed out. Food is not really that great either. I am just getting back on my exercise program again and I have not been stretching. I might do that tonight while I watch American Horror Story. I finished Supernatural season 9 today. That was cool. Meh.
People try to make friendly with me in school and I'm just... not interested. I... don't see friendships happening with these people and I'm actually pretty shy in those kinds of situations. I... don't like going out of my comfort zone. I DON'T WANT ANYONE TO SEE ME! I mean, I like nicities but, DON'T ******** TOUCH ME.
Manage Your Items