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Last night or even this morning, in my sleep, I've had yet another nightmare. One of which I was always depicted as weak, unable to confront my demons and fears, and much less find any resolve in who I can be to others or for others. And even in my dreams, I fail to win the fights that I've longed to fight, whether it be out of a grudge, or to defend someone, to find a worth in myself, or because I'm incapable of doing the right thing.
I've had my share of failures from which I've given my all, and some of which I cowered because I knew my place as someone who was unable to find the guts to stand up. To have been considered as trash, weak, insufficient, or even an eyesore to some in any of the pages of the story of my past, regardless if the people knew me well or not, I've always felt that it has kept putting me down because I allowed myself to be put down, even if I have the strength to fight back.
Why do I even allow myself to suppress all afflictions of pain (physical, spiritual, or psychological) and not confront those with a firm hand for once?
I want to be the shield, that which protects those whom I care for. I want to be of worth to someone who can provide me the healing for those cracks and dents into my heart. I want enlightenment that lets me know that I'm not really that much of a bad, sad, lost person. But these are just things I want. Can I get what I want with my own strength for once? Do I really lack in something?
I really wish someone could relieve me of all these demons, for I am deeply anchored to my past, and drown in all the collective sour memories of my failures.
I don't want to feel any grudge, resentment, guilt, mistrust, or heartache anymore when dealing with any familiar scenes that I've felt in the past. But that would take away my humanity, and any reason that would make me truly FEEL.
Maybe I just need guidance...I really don't know. I just need all the help I can get that would allow me to part from any bits of anger and sadness that I've felt for almost all my life.