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Panicked Rant I think I'm having one of my panicky moments. I'm suddenly having a major realization that I really and truly can't stand human interaction. I mean... I can't be around males without wanting to bash them over the head, I can't be around females without freezing up, wondering if they think I'm a creep and will somehow reject me due to the fact that every girl I have ever fallen for has rejected me or has agreed to date me, then flat out dumped me the instant someone better came along, or due to the fact that I'm a complete spaz. I am suddenly realizing that I may never get a good job, because I can't be dishonest on a personality test. I ****** hate lying. I can't bullshit them and say I can work under pressure, or that I can be polite and act like I'm happy even when I'm **** miserable. I honestly don't think I can handle the fact that every new person I see, I secretly wonder if they are going to shoot me purely because I was there. Or, I think that if someone ever does come to me with a complaint over some seemingly minor thing that they are making such a big deal about, and rise to insulting me personally, either because I can't help them, or just because I'm there, I fear I might snap and either shout at them or **** kill them. And how am I suppose to explain that now? If I bullshit a little personality test prior to taking the job, then suddenly my behavior is the exact opposite of everything I said it would be? I can't even get good references to back me up, I only have two friends I can talk to on short enough notice that they can accept calls, and I haven't even talked to them all that much. Then there's the fact that I haven't had any work in about four years, that I fear the "criminal record/background check" questions will pull up the fact that I haven't paid back my loans for college, or even TALKED to them in nearly three or four years, and that somehow it will cost me my chance at a job, and nobody's even **** telling me, thinking I'll figure it out for myself, and suddenly I'm stuck in an even bigger rut because I can't even PAY the **** to get off my back, and I am too terrified to call them because then they'll know where I live now, and they'll harrass me every goddamned day, and I can't take much more of the pressure. And I don't think I can handle living with these people. If my mom leaves, I may snap, because I'll have to step up and be the adult, I would be the only one doing any chores, I'd be the one trying to keep the place from falling apart, and I CAN'T EVEN GET A JOB TO PAY THE **** BILLS. I am suddenly fearful that I may be trapped in this infernal hell forever, that any chance I ever had at love or marriage or a family will be all out the window because I can't even get out of my house, let alone talk to a girl in person without looking like a **** spazoid. I will never amount to anything, not because I'm lazy, or because I don't care, but because I'm AFRAID. I've been afraid of the dark since I was a child, and just like every other thing in my life, every time I try and confront the problem, and overcome it, my fears are suddenly freshly renewed. Whether I take a risk and skip class, running across a campus just to ask a girl on a date, only to find out she's already dating some a*e sitting right next to her, or challenging the dark night that I've feared ever since I was a small boy, only to have some thing fall over in the blackness... ...I can't win. There's nothing I can do. I've tried. I promise, you guys, I've **** TRIED. And every time I ask you people for help, you give me the same tired responses. "Keep at it," or "Don't give up," or "GET OVER IT!" It's not **** helping. I've prided myself many times of thinking about things no one else can think of, of finding solutions no one would have considered... but now, it's come to the point that just once I wish somebody would tell me something I've never heard, or even thought about. Something that could actually HELP me. I don't need assistance, I don't need charity, I don't need any **** sympathy. I want some advice that doesn't send me around in another goddamn circle. And what's that? EVERYBODY has problems, not just me? THANKS FOR THE ****** EPIPHANY, GENIUS! I would have NEVER noticed that everyone has problems, what with the many people I know who HAVE PROBLEMS! I'm sick of being there for everyone else, and no one being there for me. I'm tired of wishing people would trust me, for a change, but being unable to know if I can ever really trust them. Please, just... someone. Anyone. HELP me, for once.

Posted by: Xiam Sat Jul 12, 2008 @ 08:33pm

"I believe that the extraordinary should certainly be pursued.
But extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence."

-Carl Sagan

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Schipperke Nurse
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Commented on: Tue Jul 29, 2008 @ 04:45am


	I'm confused... What exactly is going to help? >_> Not to sound mean, but...

Commented on: Sat Oct 18, 2008 @ 05:19am


	I feel like I am similar to you, minus the copious panic. I don’t lie on personality tests because I don’t want a job not suited for me. I act exactly as I am in an interview (in a calm state. I won’t be jumping off the walls or anything). I figure, if they don’t want me, they don’t want me. Just like with college interviews (and every other kind), I don’t go into them with the intention of getting in just because I want to get in, but rather with the intention of finding the right place for me. I can’t handle being in an environment I can’t function in, no matter how good its reputation, and I refuse to. I am myself and no one else. Sorry. Who have you talked to about the money sitiation? What kinds of jobs are you applying for, anywho? Maybe you’re looking in the wrong cracks and street corners. Trust me; there are plenty of job opportunities for everybody. If my friend’s boyfriend (who was recently released from prison) can find a good career (not a job), then you can find one as well. He didn’t do it on his own, though. Maybe with some more info, I can help you with this. Your description is too general to give specific advice. Or maybe I’m just a shitty advice-giver. Yeah, we’ll go with that one. You’re afraid of the dark? Dude, I can’t even see in the dark. Hell, I can barely see at all. I have about 20% of my vision and my peripheral vision is shot to hell (though my visual acuity is all right). I’m not thriving in the work department either these days. Fears are generally deeper than what they express themselves to be. In order to overcome a fear, you have to address why you have the fear. What do you think of when you’re in the dark? What do you feel? What do you think of and how do you feel when light is present? I don’t know what you’ve been doing to try to “overcome” this fear, so I can’t help much here, either. If you’re just trying to force yourself to be in the dark, I can tell you that that won’t help at all. But you know this. If you can’t win, I believe you. Heard of self-fulfilling prophecy? Look it up and get a good feel for it. You think what you think you can achieve, and you don’t achieve what you don’t think you can achieve. It’s quite an interesting phenomenon. But I know how it feels to feel like there’s no way out, and I know telling you to turn your attitude is not helpful. It’s not like you’re choosing to feel this way and you can choose to feel differently. Something has to happen to turn your attitude around, and all I can hope for is that something does. I can relate to the advice thing too. Growing up, I hated talking to my mother about any kind of problem because she always told me things like, “Just do it!” Hello… that’s what you do when you don’t need help ‘cause you’re already doing it! Or, when I’m sad, she’ll tell me, “Just get a grip of your emotions! Get happy!” I don’t need to know what to do. I already know what to do. I need to know how to do it. Specific advice, baby, or it ain’t workin’. I gave up on respecting and trusting people a long time ago. Or maybe it’s a brain malfunction. I could never find a person to trust, and I figured it’s useless anyway. Your trust in someone doesn’t ensure anything, but I know how it feels good to have someone to trust. Maybe I’m striving for too much? I know, when I meet someone, I am already thinking about how I’m going to be hurt in the long run. How I’m going to accidentally put my trust in them and they’ll leave. s*t, I get anxious when I realize that I am getting too comfortable around a person. It’s not a choice, but more like a defense mechanism. It’s like my brain turns the care-factor off. Thinks of “Cry” by Rihanna… in a platonic sense* I recognized a long time ago that my problem is that I am wishing for a perfect person—someone who will never make mistakes, someone who knows all the answers, someone who will always be there for me, someone who I will feel 100% comfortable around at all times, someone who won’t make me cry in the end… I don’t know how to solve this. I understand that people are not perfect. I understand that people cannot be all of these things. Maybe it’s because I never had a combination of these things all at once (at a much more realistic level). I know that it’s healthiest to have different people to provide different types of support in your life—one who you can always have fun with, one who always has the advice, one who always has the shoulder to cry on, one who always tell the truth rather than what you want to hear, etc. etc. Not necessarily because you (impersonal), but because it isn’t fair to expect someone to be 100%. But I can’t wrap my head around trusting one person, let alone many… As for respect… I noticed that I never can figure out if I “respect” someone or not. It’s relative. What is respect? Always agreeing with what someone says? Always accepting their opinion, even if it shitty-a, just to keep them from feeling bad? Telling them that being wrong and not caring about being wrong is okay? Encouraging really ****** trifling opinions? Contagious Cure summed it up really nicely in a post. I forgot what he said, though <.< People always told me I would fail because I just don’t give a damn about too much. I’m not worried about everyone liking me (though I’m not saying I don’t want anyone to like me). I have a hard time giving a damn about the rules when I don’t think they’re right. I have a hard time keeping silent about things that should be known. And, you know what? Maybe I am a failure. I am having a hard time in life. It’s frustrating as hell sometimes, but it’s much easier than being what everyone else wants me to be and doing what everyone else likes. It took time, but I’m functioning. Maybe I’m just one of those people who are here to help others. For once, it really is “not you, it’s me.” ---I’m not even pretending like this is helping you any. You blabbed about your life and I am blabbing about mine. I can’t promise that I can help, but I can listen and talk, if you need it. Just putting it out there… ~DC (I see you posted this about three months ago. Update?)

Disastrous Catastrophe
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