Polyamory 102: A Support Thread for Consensual Non-Monogamy

New Poll for...awesomeness!

Yay! Awesomeness!	60.0%	[ 357 ]
Yeah...awesome... [/sarcasm]	15.8%	[ 94 ]
[insert your own thoughts here]	24.2%	[ 144 ]
Total Votes:			[ 595 ]

[Delightful_FOOL]

kitti kat

Delightful_FOOL

bluecherry

I believe these things are relevant to the interests of people here. Might want to go put your 2 cents in.

http://www.gaiaonline.com/forum/site-feedback/wedding-marriage-system-input/t.87803415/
http://www.gaiaonline.com/forum/site-feedback/gaia-is-dumb-if-they-won-t-allow-polygamist-marraiges/t.87804413/

Quite honestly, I don't really care if Gaia allows it or not. It's really rather trivial to me. Sometimes I wish facebook and other social networking sites would allow it. I agree that there needs to be more education on what polyamory/polygamy is and what it's about and how those two things differ. Not every one in a polyamorous relationship is like those polygamists cultists that take advantage of young teens/children. I wish I could marry more than one person, but I can't. There's a big enough stink about two people with penises marrying each other, I think brooching the subject of more than two people with any combination of genetalia marrying each other would explode fundamentalist's heads. Now is just not the time. And, honestly, I don't have any solutions either as far as legal complications (which partner is "next-of-kin" partner? do they both share beneficary stuff in the event of a death? What about divorce? What about custody rights if there are children? How will taxes differ for them? etc) go. Other than just doing away with all of that nonsense, in which case, why even push for the legal rights anyway? I don't know....

I find it hilarious how on facebook you are either single, monogamous or "ITS COMPLICATED"
well no s**t, isn't that every relationship? lol

Right? Although, to be honest, most of the time when I see the switch from "in a relationship" to "it's complicated" I'm thinking that person just can't accept that they've been dumped.

[kitti kat]

Delightful_FOOL

kitti kat

Delightful_FOOL

bluecherry

I believe these things are relevant to the interests of people here. Might want to go put your 2 cents in.

http://www.gaiaonline.com/forum/site-feedback/wedding-marriage-system-input/t.87803415/
http://www.gaiaonline.com/forum/site-feedback/gaia-is-dumb-if-they-won-t-allow-polygamist-marraiges/t.87804413/

Quite honestly, I don't really care if Gaia allows it or not. It's really rather trivial to me. Sometimes I wish facebook and other social networking sites would allow it. I agree that there needs to be more education on what polyamory/polygamy is and what it's about and how those two things differ. Not every one in a polyamorous relationship is like those polygamists cultists that take advantage of young teens/children. I wish I could marry more than one person, but I can't. There's a big enough stink about two people with penises marrying each other, I think brooching the subject of more than two people with any combination of genetalia marrying each other would explode fundamentalist's heads. Now is just not the time. And, honestly, I don't have any solutions either as far as legal complications (which partner is "next-of-kin" partner? do they both share beneficary stuff in the event of a death? What about divorce? What about custody rights if there are children? How will taxes differ for them? etc) go. Other than just doing away with all of that nonsense, in which case, why even push for the legal rights anyway? I don't know....

I find it hilarious how on facebook you are either single, monogamous or "ITS COMPLICATED"
well no s**t, isn't that every relationship? lol

Right? Although, to be honest, most of the time when I see the switch from "in a relationship" to "it's complicated" I'm thinking that person just can't accept that they've been dumped.

conversely, if someone goes from single to "its complicated," I assume that just means they have found a good ******** buddy/FWB
or they're trying to make someone jealous in the hopes of someday being able to change it to "in a relationship" emotion_kirakira
...cuz that s**t totally works rolleyes

[Delightful_FOOL]

kitti kat

Delightful_FOOL

kitti kat

I find it hilarious how on facebook you are either single, monogamous or "ITS COMPLICATED"
well no s**t, isn't that every relationship? lol

Right? Although, to be honest, most of the time when I see the switch from "in a relationship" to "it's complicated" I'm thinking that person just can't accept that they've been dumped.

conversely, if someone goes from single to "its complicated," I assume that just means they have found a good ******** buddy/FWB
or they're trying to make someone jealous in the hopes of someday being able to change it to "in a relationship" emotion_kirakira
...cuz that s**t totally works rolleyes

rofl
Right? Silly people.

[kitti kat]

kitti kat

the boyfriend has his phone back on, aaand now we are talking about the three of us renting a house together. I mean, logistically it makes as much sense as anything else right now, our current situation is kinda topsy-turvy for all of this and this would bring us some stability and both of these men work a lot and they would be out of the state for much of the time away... but yeah nonetheless it is a bit... crazy

my biggest concern isn't even how that will affect our relationship but that it would likely mean we would have to talk to our family about our relationship sooner than I'd like to sweatdrop

oh yeah...

we did end up moving in with eachother
guess what? there are issues in our relationships that need a bit of working through, for some reason I was the only one who was actually anticipating conflict arising from this situation... but we seem to be able to work through it all right... one man tends to avoid, the other ignores, and I end up blaming it all on myself BUT we are communicating more and more, though long-distances don't help our love and commitment with each other does, and conflict-resolution does ultimately bring us closer together even though its hard-going

~my family (mom and brother) knows I have a roomate who isn't hardly ever home
~my husbands family doesn't know about him at all (probably for the best, if they even knew his name they wouldn't be long to find out about his criminal background and then we would never hear the end of it, even hundreds of miles away)
~my bf's family seems a bit sad he suddenly moved away but they aren't all that close (although I did meet some of them, he introduced me as "his good friend" even though its blatantly obvious we are at least sleeping together, and it was kinda hard trying to not mention my husband or daughter and hiding my wedding ring around them)

if anything its their co-workers who will end up finding out and we'll have to try to find a way to explain it to them... I wonder, how would you go about trying to explain something to people who would never be able to understand it?

[Pom Graines]

I AM A TERRIBLE THREAD OWNER. crying

Sorry guys. Lots of life issues hitting me hard and I dropped off the face of Gaia for a while.

I don't know how active I will be in the future either... I feel bummy because of that :c

As for the discussion: Wait, my status with my primary partner is set to "open relationship" I mean, it's not as accurate as I would like but it also suits our relationship. We had a few questions and eyebrows and a few wink wink nudge nudges next time we visited our old office, but I recall that being a thing. Did they change that again?

Kitti... that is a difficult position to be in and I'm really sorry but I'm not in a state to be giving much advice or anything. But... my compassion and sympathy and I hope that you can find the help and ground you need to problem solve that one.

[kitti kat]

Mameoyashi

I AM A TERRIBLE THREAD OWNER. crying

Sorry guys. Lots of life issues hitting me hard and I dropped off the face of Gaia for a while.

I don't know how active I will be in the future either... I feel bummy because of that :c

As for the discussion: Wait, my status with my primary partner is set to "open relationship" I mean, it's not as accurate as I would like but it also suits our relationship. We had a few questions and eyebrows and a few wink wink nudge nudges next time we visited our old office, but I recall that being a thing. Did they change that again?

Kitti... that is a difficult position to be in and I'm really sorry but I'm not in a state to be giving much advice or anything. But... my compassion and sympathy and I hope that you can find the help and ground you need to problem solve that one.

well I'm married to my primary partner, marriage in and of itself is a difficult position to be in lol
but of course, marriage can't also be an "open relationship" oh noooo that would just be too difficult for anyone to comprehend xp
looking at it now, its interesting they have a section under religion where you can put in an explanation.... you can also TYPE IN whatever you want for religion and politics, it would be nice if they just did something like that and let people decide for themselves what their relationship status is

I hope you make it through your struggles ok, we all have rough patches where it can seem like everything just wants to blow up in your face all at once and sometimes we feel powerless over things we wish we could change or like we are to blame for the things that we should be able to change when they change in ways we don't expect, sometimes you just gotta hang in there emotion_hug

[Delightful_FOOL]

Mameoyashi

I AM A TERRIBLE THREAD OWNER. crying

Sorry guys. Lots of life issues hitting me hard and I dropped off the face of Gaia for a while.

I don't know how active I will be in the future either... I feel bummy because of that :c

As for the discussion: Wait, my status with my primary partner is set to "open relationship" I mean, it's not as accurate as I would like but it also suits our relationship. We had a few questions and eyebrows and a few wink wink nudge nudges next time we visited our old office, but I recall that being a thing. Did they change that again?

Kitti... that is a difficult position to be in and I'm really sorry but I'm not in a state to be giving much advice or anything. But... my compassion and sympathy and I hope that you can find the help and ground you need to problem solve that one.

Mame!!! You're alive!! Yay! emotion_hug

Can you set it to open? Must investigate this further... It's been years and years since I did anything on that part of my profile.

[Pom Graines]

Indeed! Alive! Married to Graverg and out of toxic bio-fam situation soooo whoohoo. emotion_dealwithit

Still sort of getting some pieces back together as well. Good to see you though!

[Delightful_FOOL]

So this weekend I went to a hook-pull event and it was glorious! I've been wanting to go to it for, like, 5 years. But either wasn't old enough, broke, or heard aboutit after it happened. So, needless to say, dream come true. lol Anyway, what does this have to do with poly?

The event was somewhat hosted by a local BDSM group. Sort of. More like the majority of the people there are a part of this local BDSM group. Anyway. Poly is big in the Lifestyle, so there were a fair few poly couples there being all lovey and affectionate with one another and it made me so happy to see them all out in the open like that. I've been feeling discouraged as of that in my Unicorn hunt. Not even lookign for a Unicorn anymore, really. That would be ideal, of course, but I just wants me some extra lovin's! I want my husban to have a partner and I get a friend. Or vise versa. I just want to experience it so much! And it seems that everytime we brooch the subject with a girl, she runs for the hills. And we know that she's interested first. I mean, we've had sex with them! Or at least talked about it. Went on dates. The whole bit. But as soon as we bring up something more than casual dating, they "aren't ready for a relationship of any kind." And I respect that. I really do. It just seems that as soon as they say that, the next week, they're dating someone else. And it hurts. Real blow to the self-confidence, y'know? And some of them even identify as poly, but somehow I'm not an option to date? Why? One person in particular: I love her so very very much. Always have. But her boyfriend has forbade her from dating women because he had a girlfriend in the past leave him for a girl. And I just want to shake them and tell them they can have their cake and eat it too! Almost makes me want to give up in a fit of self-pity. But then I see those happy poly couples and I get so envious! I want that so bad!! I don't know. Maybe I'm doing something wrong... How did y'all meet your partners and open the subject of poly to them in a way that didn't scare them off?

[kitti kat]

Delightful_FOOL

So this weekend I went to a hook-pull event and it was glorious! I've been wanting to go to it for, like, 5 years. But either wasn't old enough, broke, or heard aboutit after it happened. So, needless to say, dream come true. lol Anyway, what does this have to do with poly?

The event was somewhat hosted by a local BDSM group. Sort of. More like the majority of the people there are a part of this local BDSM group. Anyway. Poly is big in the Lifestyle, so there were a fair few poly couples there being all lovey and affectionate with one another and it made me so happy to see them all out in the open like that. I've been feeling discouraged as of that in my Unicorn hunt. Not even lookign for a Unicorn anymore, really. That would be ideal, of course, but I just wants me some extra lovin's! I want my husban to have a partner and I get a friend. Or vise versa. I just want to experience it so much! And it seems that everytime we brooch the subject with a girl, she runs for the hills. And we know that she's interested first. I mean, we've had sex with them! Or at least talked about it. Went on dates. The whole bit. But as soon as we bring up something more than casual dating, they "aren't ready for a relationship of any kind." And I respect that. I really do. It just seems that as soon as they say that, the next week, they're dating someone else. And it hurts. Real blow to the self-confidence, y'know? And some of them even identify as poly, but somehow I'm not an option to date? Why? One person in particular: I love her so very very much. Always have. But her boyfriend has forbade her from dating women because he had a girlfriend in the past leave him for a girl. And I just want to shake them and tell them they can have their cake and eat it too! Almost makes me want to give up in a fit of self-pity. But then I see those happy poly couples and I get so envious! I want that so bad!! I don't know. Maybe I'm doing something wrong... How did y'all meet your partners and open the subject of poly to them in a way that didn't scare them off?

YES, HAVE OUR CAKE AND EAT IT TOO CUZ WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU NOT?!? That is exactly how I feel about non-monogamy emotion_brofist
my hubby and I have talked about bringing another girl into our relationship from the first year we were together, of course it would be ideal!! At the same time, being a woman myself, I understand how bat-s**t insane we all and that makes me more than a little hesitant to go out there and try to find a good woman to forge a relationship with. Especially since in highschool I was in a very rural isolated area and there were NO women and I met my husband very young and I've never even dated a woman and have only had a couple sexual experiences with them and as much as I feel I'm attracted to women, I'm about to the point now where I kinda feel like I'm lying to say I'm bi redface
As far as how we ended up bringing our new partner into our relationship, I'm still trying to figure out how that happened... but it started with he and my husband working together and rooming together and becoming very very close in a totally-heterosexual, brotherly-kinda way, none of this would have happened if that didn't occur first, we never expected to become poly with another male. When I started traveling with my husband's job we had dinner together with his friend who very openly expresses his love for my hubby, his brother, and he let it be known that by extension he very deeply cared for myself and our daughter as if we were his family. . . . . . a few threesomes later, my hubbz tells me he would love to see us in love, at that point I was beginning to feel a bit infatuated and I could have just as easily not cared for him any deeper than a close friend but with this new encouragement we ended up falling in love, with the understanding that our feelings for my husband are primary (from where I stand, he is my wedded husband and the father of my child and the love of my life and I never want to go a day without him and bla bla bla, from my bf's perspective, its bros before hoes, even if I'm his wifey too he will always be more committed to my husband, his brother)
so he may still get scared off, if my husband feels jealous and can't deal then my bf will be gone forever never to be heard from again so its more pressure on me to keep them both extra-happy and I can already see where this may cause issue because I take any and all of my failings as a reflection of my self-worth...
btw, that even sounds like fun, I would like to go to a gathering of like-minded people but I'm not sure how my bf would feel about it (despite the shape of our relationship, he gets jealous....)

[Grimcess]

My best friend and his gf are poly. I'm not but I admire it, I don't think it's something I would personally like though.

[Delightful_FOOL]

kitti kat

Yeah, it was pretty great. It wasn't like a munch or a play party or anything. It was actually more of a religious type ceremony, there just so happened to be a lot of people from a local BDSM group there who just so happen to be poly. -shrug-

i think part of my frustration is coming from not knowing any other poly couples. Two of my friends say they're poly, but I've never seen them in poly relationships (although, I guess the same could be said for me, but not for lack of trying!) and just hearing them talk about it... I don't get the impression that they feel the same way about it as I do, I guess. Anyway. I am a very tentative person, I guess you could say. I definitely don't make the first move. I'm quite shy. And my husband feels that I should be the one approuching people. But I don't get why we can't do it together? If we're both interested, shouldn't we both say it? I don't know. He assures me that him doing any amount of approuching makes him come off as a perv or something. Which is mostly why I don't want to pick up random chicks. Not my style. Never has been. My husband is the only stranger I've ever dated, and even then I stalked him for a month or so! (lol Kidding. I didn't really stalk him) It makes me nervous to out myself as not only not-straight, but also not-mono in one sentance. That's a lot of pressure, y'know. Easier to do that with people I already know. But, maybe I'm just being a big fat p***y about all of it...

[Blackrose_Knight]

Delightful_FOOL

So this weekend I went to a hook-pull event and it was glorious! I've been wanting to go to it for, like, 5 years. But either wasn't old enough, broke, or heard aboutit after it happened. So, needless to say, dream come true. lol Anyway, what does this have to do with poly?

The event was somewhat hosted by a local BDSM group. Sort of. More like the majority of the people there are a part of this local BDSM group. Anyway. Poly is big in the Lifestyle, so there were a fair few poly couples there being all lovey and affectionate with one another and it made me so happy to see them all out in the open like that. I've been feeling discouraged as of that in my Unicorn hunt. Not even lookign for a Unicorn anymore, really. That would be ideal, of course, but I just wants me some extra lovin's! I want my husban to have a partner and I get a friend. Or vise versa. I just want to experience it so much! And it seems that everytime we brooch the subject with a girl, she runs for the hills. And we know that she's interested first. I mean, we've had sex with them! Or at least talked about it. Went on dates. The whole bit. But as soon as we bring up something more than casual dating, they "aren't ready for a relationship of any kind." And I respect that. I really do. It just seems that as soon as they say that, the next week, they're dating someone else. And it hurts. Real blow to the self-confidence, y'know? And some of them even identify as poly, but somehow I'm not an option to date? Why? One person in particular: I love her so very very much. Always have. But her boyfriend has forbade her from dating women because he had a girlfriend in the past leave him for a girl. And I just want to shake them and tell them they can have their cake and eat it too! Almost makes me want to give up in a fit of self-pity. But then I see those happy poly couples and I get so envious! I want that so bad!! I don't know. Maybe I'm doing something wrong... How did y'all meet your partners and open the subject of poly to them in a way that didn't scare them off?

We unicorns are out there. Sometimes we might be zebras with party hats (while I am married, I am a bi woman activly seeking out couples to be a "special guest star in their bed, or date both of them). Approach us! Wine us! Dine us! We are out there. emo

The bolded really screams to me "I have unresolved abandonment issues with deep tones of homophobia!" That alone would be a huge STAY THE HELL AWAY from that couple. If he is not managing his issues in a healthy manner, odds are he is bottling up a whole lot more. That plus the girl is okay with saddling that bullshit inequality. I wouldn't go there.

How did I meet my boyfriend... honestly? College. We were taking psych classes together. We are a VERY liberal, liberal arts school so I was comfortable being open with my poly status with my class, and him. He was actively exploring non-monogamy with his fiancee. Bam. Awesomeness.

I have this feeling I am being "eyed up" as a unicorn by a poly couple looking for a unicorn on OkCupid.

My best advice, put yourself out there and "date your species". By that I mean find and swim in the poly community - your species. wink

[Delightful_FOOL]

Blackrose_Knight

Delightful_FOOL

So this weekend I went to a hook-pull event and it was glorious! I've been wanting to go to it for, like, 5 years. But either wasn't old enough, broke, or heard aboutit after it happened. So, needless to say, dream come true. lol Anyway, what does this have to do with poly?

The event was somewhat hosted by a local BDSM group. Sort of. More like the majority of the people there are a part of this local BDSM group. Anyway. Poly is big in the Lifestyle, so there were a fair few poly couples there being all lovey and affectionate with one another and it made me so happy to see them all out in the open like that. I've been feeling discouraged as of that in my Unicorn hunt. Not even lookign for a Unicorn anymore, really. That would be ideal, of course, but I just wants me some extra lovin's! I want my husban to have a partner and I get a friend. Or vise versa. I just want to experience it so much! And it seems that everytime we brooch the subject with a girl, she runs for the hills. And we know that she's interested first. I mean, we've had sex with them! Or at least talked about it. Went on dates. The whole bit. But as soon as we bring up something more than casual dating, they "aren't ready for a relationship of any kind." And I respect that. I really do. It just seems that as soon as they say that, the next week, they're dating someone else. And it hurts. Real blow to the self-confidence, y'know? And some of them even identify as poly, but somehow I'm not an option to date? Why? One person in particular: I love her so very very much. Always have. But her boyfriend has forbade her from dating women because he had a girlfriend in the past leave him for a girl. And I just want to shake them and tell them they can have their cake and eat it too! Almost makes me want to give up in a fit of self-pity. But then I see those happy poly couples and I get so envious! I want that so bad!! I don't know. Maybe I'm doing something wrong... How did y'all meet your partners and open the subject of poly to them in a way that didn't scare them off?

We unicorns are out there. Sometimes we might be zebras with party hats (while I am married, I am a bi woman activly seeking out couples to be a "special guest star in their bed, or date both of them). Approach us! Wine us! Dine us! We are out there. emo

The bolded really screams to me "I have unresolved abandonment issues with deep tones of homophobia!" That alone would be a huge STAY THE HELL AWAY from that couple. If he is not managing his issues in a healthy manner, odds are he is bottling up a whole lot more. That plus the girl is okay with saddling that bullshit inequality. I wouldn't go there.

How did I meet my boyfriend... honestly? College. We were taking psych classes together. We are a VERY liberal, liberal arts school so I was comfortable being open with my poly status with my class, and him. He was actively exploring non-monogamy with his fiancee. Bam. Awesomeness.

I have this feeling I am being "eyed up" as a unicorn by a poly couple looking for a unicorn on OkCupid.

My best advice, put yourself out there and "date your species". By that I mean find and swim in the poly community - your species. wink

Oh, I know. She can sleep with women all she likes, but not more than once with the same person, and nothing more than sex. I already told her it was ******** up. She just so happens to be my best friend. lol I mean, my husband doesn't want me getting involved with other men and it's...whatever. It picks at me, but I'm not really interested in men, so it's become an out of sight, out of mind kind of thing. I definitely swing more towards girls on the spectrum. And it's taken a bit for him to open up to this whole poly thing. I've always been upfront about it and he very tentatively will dip a toe in and get comfortabe with it. Went from ocassional threeway, to open, and very recently agreeing to seek a third partner. Still a little iffy about seperate partners. But, I'm very grateful for his understanding. Made an okcupid account last night, so, I guess we'll see.

[kitti kat]

Have you ever felt like the poly lifestyle can be a bit... isolating?

I'm a very honest person, I've NEVER been good at hiding things and now I have this big HUGE part of my life and I need to hide it from everybody and I don't like it. But for the sake of my husband's work relationships I try, I might have just ******** it up, but its not like I did it on purpose... I was just talking to my bf like I usually do, people know he's got a girlfriend now but they don't have any idea its their former-co-workers wife. But apparently one guy knows he was talking to me I dunno if or what this guy knows but now my hubbs is convinced there is gonna be a bunch of gossip about him/us rolleyes IT WOULDN'T BE AN ISSUE IF WE COULD JUST TELL PEOPLE STRAIT-UP WTF IS GOING ON but oohhhh thats imasculating. or something. I dunno. Certainly his family wouldn't be understanding of this in the least
mine would
I wouldn't give them a choice
with MY family I've only ever been exactly who I am and forced them to accept me
they always have
but no I can't even tell my family cuz it could get back to his family and we can't have that ohhhhh no.


I dunnnooooo ug. emotion_facepalm
I kinda think it would help if my husband had a friend he could talk to, someone outside the relationship that identifies as poly, a sympathetic ear that wouldn't jump to harsh judgements. I don't think I have yet convinced him that poly is even a thing that people do
how do you even meet friends in the poly community? (like outside gaia, he doesn't even use a computer)

Our lives are about to get very difficult with this GIANT secret lurking right under the surface of what people are gonna see crying
I think I'm just gonna not have to be around any of their co workers, like ever, like never ever, not even a little, even though these people are all like extended family, I'm just gonna have to not show my face at all, stay in the damn state where my house is and hope none of them are ever invited over. Maybe I'll just go find myself a nice rock to hide under..